You're Cooked: RIP to the Kings and the Senators

Happy Monday, hockey fans. We’ve reached the chaotic moment in the first round where virtually every series is at a completely different juncture.

The Hockey Gods have graced us with the promise of more Habs vs. Lightning as the best series of the first round is tied at 2-2. The Hockey Devils, however, have burdened us with a 2-2 Wild vs. Stars series that is equal parts masochistic and fun.

The Sabres have the Bruins on the brink of elimination after one of the worst playoff losses in franchise history. Are the Bruins bad or are the Sabres good? Yes. The Flyers have Sidney Crosby and the Penguins in the same position with the opportunity to close it out tonight, and the Ducks now have the Oilers on their toes at 3-1.

Two series ended in sweeps over the weekend, one brutally predictable and one brutally unexpected. You know what that means: It’s time to bring back “You’re Cooked.”

Why It’s Over

Let’s start with the most predictable happening of the first round: Colorado’s sweep of LA. It’s not often I predict a playoff sweep, but I thought long and hard about these Kings and these Avs before the series, and I just genuinely couldn’t see the Kings winning one (1) game.

The most aggravating things that were true about the Kings all season remained true throughout this series. Nothing was flagrantly wrong about them, but the offensive production just wasn’t where it needed to be. Shift-by-shift, period by period, these games were quite close for the most part with absolutely nothing to show for it.

The existential dread this team induces is so hard to watch. Like, what’s the point?

I honestly don’t want to overthink this one for that reason: The Los Angeles Kings play inoffensive, safe, ultimately pointless hockey. They’re good at keeping games close. They would win the “Keeping games close” Cup. It’s like this team was designed with the “Keeping games close Cup” in mind, which unfortunately doesn’t exist. Artemi Panarin exists and that sort of helped.

Three Stars of the Series

3. Gabriel Landeskog

Oh, we are so back. Nathan MacKinnon said “this is how it’s supposed to be” about having the captain back, and he had a solid series with two goals, four points, and a plus-four in four games. When we ask ourselves what’s been “missing” as this team has sort of bafflingly collapsed in playoff rounds the past few seasons, it feels like “the captain at full strength” is the answer.