Heaven Knows I Deserve This Man.

The walks we took had no destination. Just two tired minds trying to breathe. We said they were to clear our heads, but it was mostly mine. I was always overwhelmed, always overworked, always carrying too much inside my head. You used to say there was nothing an evening walk could not fix. Somehow, you were right. Something about the breeze, the blue-black darkness, your fingers locked in mine. My hands were always cold. You noticed early. After that, you never let go. Not once. Your hand wrapped around mine like quiet warmth. You held on until we returned to our different houses.We even named our walks. Blow out sessions. Just you, me, and the wind doing its quiet work.

The gravel crunching beneath our feet, the distant traffic, streetlights glowing like tired stars. You said you loved how the streetlights reflected on my shiny forehead. You would lean closer, studying it like something fascinating, then kiss the exact spot where the light settled. “I’m recharging your glowy battery,” you would say. More forehead kisses meant more glow. And there was always suya. That suya seller close to the transformer at Maryland. I always offered to buy, as usual. You never let me. Every single time. You would shake your head like it was obvious, like it was already decided. I talked endlessly. That was my release. My yapping, as you called it. You listened like it was your favorite thing in the world. You said you could hear me talk all day and never get tired.

You once asked about my first kiss. I thought it was such a strange question, but I love details, so I told you everything. How the thought of contact made my stomach turn. How I kept my lips pressed shut even when he tried to push further with his tongue. How the idea of his saliva mixing with mine made my skin crawl. I only let his lips touch mine. Barely. Then I pulled away.

I have always been so aware of my body. I hated closeness, hated contact, hated the thought of other people’s fluids but with you, things were different. I let you hug me when I was sweaty. I let you hold me longer than anyone else ever had. I let your hand slide gently around my waist when you kissed me. Somehow, I did not mind. I did not mind your saliva mixing with mine. With you, I never cared. With you, germs did not exist. I wanted to melt into you. To be absorbed. To be consumed fully by you. Loving you was the first thing that ever swallowed me whole. I could not think past you. Could not see beyond you. Everything in my head, my chest, my quiet spaces carried your presence.

You told me I was pretty. I always insisted I looked ugly in the afternoon. You kept calling me pretty until the word stopped feeling like a lie. Until I believed it.You showed me what love felt like without effort. Without begging. Without asking to be treated gently. You just knew.

You knew the most random facts. We were constantly trying to outsmart each other. You loved self-help books. I lived somewhere between politics, history and fiction. A crazy mix, honestly. But somehow, we made sense.

You loved me deeply and fully to the bones. And it hurt so badly to lose you. To let you go. Now I am back to reality, to my senses. My books and exams are staring at me with cold eyes. Life moving like it always does. Still, I miss you, my imaginationship. I can't wait to see you again after exams.