There is a tricky part of learning to live softly that almost all of us experience. I’ve seen this pattern so often in myself, in the people I’ve guided over the years, and in friends and family that it became a cornerstone of the first foundation in Living Softly: Mobilize.
To be mobilized is to be moveable without necessarily moving. It’s the ability to be moved by your breath, by yourself, and by others. Being mobilized isn’t about feminine versus masculine or yin versus yang. It’s a constant choice between becoming stiff, tense, and breakable or becoming aware of what’s happening within you and around you, making you more capable of responding with care.
Sounds great. It is great. But then something interesting happens. Even when we are “doing it,” we often become uncomfortable with the space where rigidity used to live. We miss the familiar feeling of gripping onto something.
Stress is a chemical addiction. It’s not a matter of will power, it’s a matter of recognizing the tension when it takes hold of us, and continually choosing a better way. That’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
The more we practice rigidity in both easy and challenging moments, the better we become at maintaining a baseline state of holding extra tension. Even when we experience what it feels like to be moveable, we might stay there for only a moment before slipping right back into gripping, clenching, and tensing. Oddly enough, that can feel better because it’s what we’ve practiced.
The well-meaning advice, “Do what feels good,” (I used this as a filler phrase in my yoga teaching for years until I found a better way, as a response to the rigidity and abuse in yoga) is wonderful when what feels good is actually good for us. With a softness practice, something incredible begins to happen. We slowly build the muscle memory of mobilizing. Instead of automatically holding extra tension, we begin noticing it. Rather than treating tension as proof that we’re working hard enough or doing a good job, we learn to let it go. We look for places where we’re holding extra effort physically, mentally, and emotionally, and soften.
We become far more capable when we practice doing more with less tension. It isn’t always easy. It’s easy to dismiss. But it’s worth it.
This practice has changed my life immeasurably. I was able to be present for my dad near the end of his life. Present for my mom as she lives with dementia. Present for my daughter, my husband, and, just as importantly, for myself.
The whole world will tell us, if we listen, that life is hard and unfair. From a softness perspective, we don’t have time for that. We do what we can do without a panic. We look for places where we’re holding extra effort and drop every bit of it like it’s toxic.
I have this practice pretty well established in movement. I have the benefit of decades of dedication and a lifetime of body awareness from dance before that. But in regular life, when I’m just doing stuff, that’s where I put my effort.
Caring for my parents. I’ve got that. Caring for my daughter. I love that. Listening to my husband talk excitedly about something he learned in one of the Neil deGrasse Tyson books I bought him for Christmas. Easy. Writing a book about all of this, leading trainings, and teaching daily classes. Fun.
But when it came time to ask my husband to take my author photo instead of falling into my usual habit of flying to New York, calling my favorite hair and makeup friends, and hiring one of my favorite photographers to create a picture I know would turn out beautifully, I cracked.
It’s silly, right? My ego got involved. My vanity got involved.
I wanted everything to be right. I wanted everything to be perfect. I had a deadline to get this photo to my publisher, and meanwhile I had this strange idea to hand my husband our camera, drive out to a country road near our house, and hope for the best.
My face wearing only tinted moisturizer and a little blush. (p.s. I love Iris and Romeo for natural and subtle makeup and awesome spf and I’m not sponsored, just a good tip!)
We had to fit the photo shoot around our daughter’s gymnastics schedule, so we went out after dropping her off. The light was too harsh, but we kept trying anyway. We came home and looked through the photos. Mike thought they looked great. I thought they looked terrible.
I could barely keep my eyes open in most of them, and I somehow managed to look annoyed in nearly every shot. I told him we had to try again at sunset. He agreed, but I started getting angry. Angry at the photos. Angry that I couldn’t figure this out. Angry at him.
trying not to look annoyed in harsh sunlight from our first round :)
I was embarrassing myself for myself. I started thinking about booking a ticket to New York and calling my friends. Meanwhile, everywhere I looked online, people in the wellness world, a community I love but also hope to grow beyond, were posting gorgeous new author photos. Beautiful studios. Perfect lighting. Professional styling. Hair and makeup. Talented photographers.
You know when you notice something once and suddenly your algorithm decides to show it to you everywhere? Everywhere I looked, another beautiful author photo. And I was quietly losing it over our little DIY photo shoot on a country road in rural Illinois.
Eventually we both calmed down. Mike had enough of the whole thing and headed to the basement for a workout on the rowing machine. I wandered out to the flower box where the sunflowers I planted from seed this spring are now over four feet tall and just beginning to bloom.
I took a breath. I noticed the tension. I let it go.
That evening, after picking up our daughter from gymnastics, we pulled over on a quiet country road just before sunset. We stepped out of the car and took a few photos. When we got home and opened the raw files, they were beautiful. Simple. Honest. Completely usable.
There I was in tinted moisturizer and a little blush, wearing my favorite hand-knit sweater that I bought from a local maker in Iceland while we were there leading a retreat last summer, leaning against a fence.
Here is a little behind the scenes from last night. I’ll be asking for help soon to choose the pic that feels best.
The funny part is that the photo will only be about three inches wide inside the book jacket. My face isn’t even on the cover. The point of this book has never been to showcase me. It’s about helping us break free from No Pain, No Gain and discovering what becomes possible when we do more with less tension. I want readers to see themselves in these pages, not me.
This little crack in my softness practice ended up becoming exactly what I needed. Softness isn’t about never tightening up. It’s about noticing when tension takes over and having enough practice to come back to softness again and again.
That’s the practice I’m after. Not perfection.
Just enough awareness to notice when I’ve wandered back into unnecessary tension, and enough trust to soften again.
I hope that’s what this book offers. Not another impossible standard to live up to, another quick fix or a new program to follow, or someone who thinks they have things figured out preaching away, but a way to remember that we can always come back to ourselves. Sometimes all it takes is a breath, a country road at sunset, and someone who loves you enough to keep taking pictures until you finally see what was there all along.
spontaneous photo shoot with Daisy, because she wanted to be part of it!
Download the Strala Yoga app today and start feeling better with a new class every day.
Every day, a new practice is waiting for you.
Monday: Weights with Ease
Tuesday: Tai Chi
Wednesday: LIVE Gentle Yoga
Thursday: Weights with Ease
Friday: LIVE Energize Yoga
Saturday: Tai Chi Flow
Sunday: Restorative
Get comfortable, move in a way that feels supportive, notice how you feel, and let all the benefits soak in. We’re here together, one breath at a time.
Effingham Illinois. Join us on Saturdays (when I’m in town) for an easy going Energize Yoga class. I’m so excited to be a part of this midwestern, artsy community. If you’re making a trip out of it, send me a note and I’ll send you all the good spots to visit! RSVP your space
Kansas City, MO. July 25-26. I’m so excited to offer our weekend intensive a little closer to home for so many in our community. Join us at Maya Yoga, July 25-26 for the Strala Weekend 20+Hour Intensive. RSVP your space here.
Amsterdam, Netherlands. September 19-20. It’s a homecoming for sure to Amsterdam. We’ve been a couple times a year for many years and this will be my first time back since the pandemic. It will be so good to see everyone. Amsterdam is a great city with great people to visit if you want to make a trip out of it! RSVP your space here.
Weekend of Softness, Metzingen, Germany, Sept 26-27. I’m joining longtime Strala Guide and partner studio owner Anna Rampf, to celebrate our community in a weekend of softness and connection. You’ll love Metzingen, it’s so nice. RSVP here.
Om Show London, October 16, 17 & 18. I’m so excited to be back leading classes and workshops at the Om Show this fall. RSVP here.
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