Dear Judah, I Don't Know What I'm Doing

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It was a hot day at the park and we were tired. Neither of us slept well. Both of us wanted Mama, but she was working and I was struggling. The little things felt bigger than they should have, while every moment asked for more patience than I seemed to have. Also, I forgot the snacks.

This is a parenting sin.

Never forget snacks.

“I don’t know what I am doing.”

That’s what I told you while trying to prevent tears, yours and mine.

A confession in the middle of the park while tears were welling in your eyes.

You didn’t seem surprised by my statement. You just looked at me with the kind of calm acceptance that children often have. I may not know what I am doing, but I do know that it is hard to be a human being. Whether you’re 2½ or 36.

I want to be one of those parents who is honest with his children. Not because honesty is easy, but because I hope it teaches you that strength isn’t found in pretending. It’s found in telling the truth and continuing to love anyway, especially when it is difficult.

Parenthood has a way of uncovering all the places where I thought I was more capable than I actually am. Before you arrived, I imagined I would instinctively know what to do. I knew I would make mistakes, but I assumed they’d be minor—not something truly horrific, like forgetting snacks on a hot day at the park when we probably should have stayed home, playing trains in the air conditioning while eating bluberries.

Instead, most days feel like I’m behind, like I forgot to read the right parenting book or listen to the right podcast. It’s a feeling I can’t seem to shake, no matter how hard I try or how much I grow. It feels like everyone else somehow knows the secret, and I’m still trying to find the table of contents. Life often feels like a constant process of learning, failing, apologizing, trying again, and, if you remember them, snacks. Maybe that’s true of parenting because it’s true of being human.

I may not know what I am doing, but I do know I love you. That much has never been uncertain or in question. My love for you isn’t built on having the right answers or days that go smoothly. It isn’t measured by fun trips to the park, moments without tears, or remembering the snacks. Love isn’t proven by perfection. It’s shown by returning again and again, even after we’ve missed the mark.

I may not know what I am doing, but I do know a God who loves you and is with you. Long before we became family, you belonged to Him. He is, as it says in the Scriptures, “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” Isn’t the beautiful? When my patience is wearing thin, His mercy is not. When we become tired and frustrated, He remains steady and kind. That’s the kind of God He is. I hope you grow up knowing that your life has always been held by hands much stronger than mine, hands that always know what they are doing.

Sure, I may not know what I am doing, but I am with you, figuring it out as I go, holding hope close as I take another step forward. Maybe that’s what being a father really is. Presence over perfection. Mercy over results. Showing up day after day with a love that comes from the Father.

I’m learning we can never go wrong with love. Showing up, even when you feel unprepared. Staying, even when you’d rather give up. Trusting that God continues to work through ordinary people who keep loving.

One day you may read this after you’ve grown older. Maybe you’ll have children of your own. Maybe you’ll simply find yourself in a season where you feel like everyone else received an instruction manual for living that somehow skipped you. If that day comes, I hope you remember this: the people who love you most probably feel that way too. We are all figuring it out as we go. We are all becoming.

So if you ever hear me say again, “I don’t know what I’m doing,” I hope you’ll also hear what I’m really saying:

“I’m here.
I love you.
And by the grace of God, we’ll figure this out together.
Also, I remembered the snacks.”

A page from my book, Getting Through What You’re Going Through.
Don’t have a copy? Now is a good day to get yours!

GTWYGT 🍊

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