Calling Spades

I was having trouble focusing. My monkey mind was swinging from branch to branch when it got snagged on a word in the homily:

“Control….”

Yes, I like the sound of that. What did the priest just say about control?…

“Fear seeks control.”

AHA!! So THAT’S where the need for control comes from! Fear. Of course. This explains the compulsion to clean and why it feels so productive when in reality it is often more like shoveling the driveway while it’s still snowing.

This seems like progress, like I might be able to trace my way back and actually get someplace. Where is the fear coming from? What is it that am I afraid of? Surely pulling this thread is easier than emptying out my pantry and reordering it.

The list went on: “greed seeks security…”.

Yeowch. That hurts. I don’t like to think of greed as high on the list of deadly sins in my life, but boy is the need for security familiar, especially as I approach retirement. The idea of “daily bread” gives me genuine pearl clutching anxiety. I need decades of bread, Lord! A lifetime in fact. At least, the rest of my life... How often do I check the state of our retirement accounts?

“…Vanity seeks admiration… lust seeks gratification…anger seeks vengeance…pride seeks recognition…”

Vain, lustful, greedy, proud… It’s not a pretty picture. Certainly not one I like reflected back at me. It’s a brave priest that preaches about sin these days, conjuring up SNL Church Lady skits of my formative years. God forbid we talk about sin. How judgmental.

Yet I feel the consequences of sin in my life—the constant seeking, and not for God who promises us to be found, but for worldly recognition, admiration and control that does not satisfy. Oh the insatiable scrolling in search of gratification. Spoiler alert: it’s called infinite scrolling! There literally is no end to it. Neither doomscrolling or bloom scrolling will get us to gratification.

Oh the stolen peace, the wasted time and gifts.

Thank you, Fr. Andrew. For stilling my soul to see the stains so that I can ask God for his help cleaning them away, freeing me from disordered desires and unhealthy attachments.

Lord help me ignore the distractions, avoid the temptations and break the bad habits. Help me to seek you alone and find there more than my cup can hold.