To Matthew

I remember when I was served divorce papers it made me believe every part of me was wrong. I lost interest in everything I loved and wanted to do. I began to believe whoever, whatever I was — was bad. It made me see the patterns I had learned from my parents and mad at all that I wanted to change. I lost the ability to love myself as I believe all that I had known of love became tainted and wrong. It wasn’t until I met a girl who I thought was the love of my life that I began to love those pieces of myself I left behind. It was as if she gave me permission to. It took me two years to realize I never needed permission to be myself to begin with; To own who I am. To give myself closure where I never been given. Even if I was given the opportunity to have her if I never sought to find validation, safety, worth, and love in myself the patterns of old would repeat. Who she fell in love with was who you were in the beginning not who you became. You have to find who you were and who you want to become to discover who you are now and only then do I believe love will find you again.

You know what you did wrong. It is now your choice to do what is right despite who doubt your ability to do so. All you can do is accept what you feel, be patient with yourself, own the consequences of who you were, and move forward with who you want to become.

You are always becoming whether you choose to rise or collapse, you will become that. Fear that you will hurt the ones you love again is the very reason why you will keep rising. Growth isn’t linear and you’ll often find some days worse and some days better. Neither matter as long as you are on average rising. You have not been made worse for all that you’ve done wrong. You’ve been given the opportunity to make what was wrong right not just for yourself, but for everyone who meet you next. You’ve not been made weaker for being wounded.

We’re here for you even if you feel no one in your life right is now is. You got this dude.

Remember that at end of all of this darkness is a light. You just have to keep looking towards it.