"I didn't anticipate not wanting to work after I had a baby."

There are countless married mothers in America today who desperately want to stay home with their babies but feel they cannot. They are stuck, and their mental health is suffering. So are their marriages.

We blame this conundrum strictly on economics, but how we landed here as a nation, with so many married mothers feeling unable to stay home, goes much deeper.

It wasn’t that long ago that our country’s values were decidedly different. We were essentially family focused, not money focused. It was understood that marriage and family is designed to be at the center of life, not at the periphery. Work was a means to an end, not an end unto itself. It wasn’t a litmus test for a person’s identity but was viewed as the necessary engine that makes life spin.

All of that has changed. We are now a country that promotes individual autonomy and career success above all else because attachment is too risky. Rampant divorce made it clear to a generation of men and women that marriages are flimsy at best. But a career? Now that we can control.

This massive shift in values is why parents raise their children, their daughters in particular, to think of marriage and children as an afterthought—something to think about or to worry about or to even talk about later. If at all. This is the real reason married mothers have landed in the boat they’re now in.

Most women still get married and have children, despite putting it off. And when they have a baby, they are not going to want to return to work right away. Not until they feel they have the bandwidth to do so—which can take years, depending on how many children they have.

While no woman in any era can be prepared for the mental and physical drain of new motherhood, what’s different today is that women had no inkling of how demanding motherhood is and how much they would want to be with their babies once they held them in their arms.

Why did no one warn them, they think. Why does no one ever talk about what happens? Did my mother not feel this way when she had me? What’s going on?

Because of this oversight, this complete disregard for how children change everything, women made plans for a different kind of life—one that didn’t factor husbands and babies into the equation. One that included massive student debt as well because, well, why not since women will always be in the workforce and can easily pay it off?

Then women get married and have a baby, and all most of them want to do is focus on their babies and on their new, far more meaningful life.

How retro! How normal.

Question is, now what?

Before we get to this, if you’re a wife and mother reading this I would first suggest apologizing to your husband. I know that sounds weird, but hear me out.

It is very important that your husband understands you had no idea you were going to feel the way you do. If he’s a good man, and a mature man, he will want you to be happy and would love nothing more than to create the ability for you to stay home.

I have found in my coaching practice that most husbands aren’t resistant to the idea so much as they are worried about how to make it work financially when decisions have been made under the assumption both spouses would always be in the workforce.

So it’s important to begin by explaining to your husband that your values have changed now that you’re a mother. Tell him how you feel and what you’ve learned. Point him to Erica Komisar’s work so he can learn about the importance of the early years. Most importantly, tell him you’re willing to live on less in order to make it happen.

That last part is key. One of the reasons husbands are reticent to be the sole provider is because they assume their wives won’t be able to reduce their standard of living. And husbands are right to be worried because it is indeed crucial for a couple to be able to do this if they did not make preparations ahead of time for living on one income.

With all of that said, here are 6 financial moves you and your husband can make that may allow you to stay home with your baby:

1. Create a budget and stick to it. It really is that simple. Not easy—but simple. Most people are scattered when it comes to their money. It goes in; it goes out. But with a detailed budget, unless your husband’s salary is particularly low (although that can be changed), any life can be created.

2. Eat the majority of your meals at home. When I was a kid, we ate almost all of our meals at home. My two kids would say the same thing about their childhood. Today I’m convinced one of the major factors re the topic of affordability involves food. This is a large part of where a couple’s money goes, and that is often because no one’s home anymore to cook. As a result, most of the food people eat is take-out or restaurant food—and that is a very expensive way to live. If you want to stay home, you’re going to need to learn how to cook. And grocery shop. And budget for food. It may feel daunting to you, but until recently it was called normal.

3. If you bought a home you can’t afford on one income, sell it and rent for a season. There’s nothing wrong with renting for awhile in exchange for being able to stay home. Anyplace can be made into a home, and your children don’t care where they live if Mom is there. Your friends and family might have an opinion about it, but they don’t get a vote.

4. Sell your car(s), and get a used one instead. You don’t need a fancy car when you have littles; you just need a safe and reliable one. Unless you own your car outright, sell whatever you have and buy a used Toyota or Honda. Your babies don’t need an SUV.

5. Pay the minimum on your loans for the next few years. The loans can wait. Your babies can’t.

6. Ask your husband to pick up extra shifts at work or get a side gig. So many people have side gigs these days; it’s never been easier to do. But here’s the kicker: You’ll have to accept that your husband won’t be around much to help you at home if you need more money in order to make this work. You can’t have it both ways.

Of course, all of the above assumes a wife and mother is not the sole breadwinner in her home. That will require more ingenuity. It also assumes the man she married has similar values. If he doesn’t, they’re both going to need marriage counseling or coaching before they do anything else. It is crucial to be on the same page in order for this to work.

At the end of the day, a married mother’s ability to stay home with her baby is less about economics and more about accepting the trade-offs that come with this decision. Contrary to popular belief, most families with mothers at home are not wealthy. They simply live differently than the way mothers on social media do.

And that’s another thing: Turn off social media! Or at least drastically limit it. It will be extremely difficult to stay focused on your goal if you’re constantly seeing other women living what looks to be bigger or better or easier lives. All of that is a mirage. It’s showing you an image, not a reality. Worry about yourself.

I’m sorry your parents and the culture failed you when it comes to marriage and motherhood; I know this has made life much more difficult. But we can’t change that.

You can, however, change your life. I worked with a wife and mother from South Africa once who completely turned her life around so she could be home more—and she was originally the primary breadwinner! She and her husband separated on two different occasions before ultimately figuring it all out. (Not recommending that, just sharing.) So I know it can be done.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.