7 steps to a successful argument

Many years ago, a woman I know who’d been married for decades said she and her husband never once had an argument. She viewed this as a point of pride.

I remember thinking at the time that I can see why, to her, this meant something good. This is not a person who’s comfortable digging deep to get to the root of a problem; she’d rather pretend things are fine when they aren’t. Of course she and her husband never fought! What’s there to fight about when you’re constantly avoiding the elephant in the room?

Every healthy relationship has conflict. There is no way around it because life itself is full of conflict. Ergo, the act of living an entire lifetime with another person will invariably involve conflict.

Unfortunately, many people view conflict as a bad thing. They don’t want to face the pain and discomfort of dealing with it, so they avoid conflict at all costs.

But these folks are making their problems worse. Conflict avoided is conflict amplified: The problems don’t go away—they get bigger. By the time they’re forced to address them, it’s like a bomb went off.

It is true that relationship conflict isn’t fun, but there’s another component to it that goes unrecognized. Diving into a problem, or disagreement, is an ideal opportunity to connect with your person. To know and understand him or her better. To get closer. To feel safe (assuming you’re with a safe person).

If you’re avoiding hard conversations, it is likely because the subject at hand feels like a lightning rod. But that’s actually a signal to address it right away.

The harder it is to address something in your relationship, the more important it is that you do so.

If even one person in a relationship is reluctant to speak his or her mind, or to get to the root of a problem, true intimacy is impossible. In any marriage or long-term relationship, you need someone you can contend with—as Jordan Peterson laid out so eloquently below.

It is the couples who embrace conflict, who walk through the fire together and come to a resolution no matter how many times they have to try, that come out stronger on the other side.

To be sure, dealing with conflict is not easy—especially when emotions are high, as they often are. But putting some very specific parameters in place can go a long way to making an argument or disagreement work for you and not against you.

To that end, below are 7 steps to a successful argument:

1. Put the conversation on the calendar. Make it a date rather than an emotional reaction because you’re all-of-the-sudden upset.

2. Make sure neither person is in a rush to go somewhere; you need the benefit of time.

3. Remove all distractions: no phones, no TV, no kids.

4. Do not attempt a conversation if either person has had alcohol. Choose a new date and time.

5. Do not attempt a conversation if either person is sleep deprived. Choose a new date and time.

6. No screaming or yelling. It doesn’t make the other person hear you better.

7. Pause, breathe, and count to ten if things get heated. And then start over.

It has taken my husband and me many years to learn how to have a successful argument. We’re far from perfect, but our efforts are relentless. He and I learned the steps above the hard way, as neither one of us had good models in this department. We’re also very passionate and opinionated people, so it’s not unusual for our conversations to get heated.

The trick of any good argument is to never let the heat be directed toward the other person. It must be directed solely toward the issue itself. That’s why the steps above are so important; it’s too easy for conflict to become destructive otherwise.

Applying these 7 steps during relationship conflict can be an absolute game changer. As someone who literally argues for a living, I promise if I can adhere to them, you can, too.

I admit I’m a bit unusual in that arguing comes naturally to me. I don’t find it intimidating or difficult; I find it invigorating. I like expressing myself and want others to do the same. I don’t care if they agree with me or not; I just want to know what others think so we can wrestle with concepts and ideas.

Of course, the goal in a formal debate is to win the argument—and that is not the goal (or it shouldn’t be) in an argument with one’s spouse. The goal is clarity and closeness—and, ultimately, resolution.

I don’t think we talk openly enough about relationship conflict and conflict resolution, which seems crazy to me since it’s unavoidable. Everyone has problems. Literally, everyone. I think there’s this idea floating around that good relationships are free of conflict or problems. That is absolute hogwash.

I truly believe the ability to argue successfully is a skill anyone can learn—and must learn if they want any relationship (not just romantic ones) to thrive.

It is my hope the 7 steps above get you off to a new start.