VA Found Dead in Capitol Hill Parking Lot in Apparent Suicide

This is a hilarious but also all too true satiric post from from Duffel Blog. Please read and share. I highly recommend Duffel Blog to all my readers.

By Bad Lawyer, July 10, 2026

WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected.

According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuseby successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies.

In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans.

“This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’”

Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades.

“First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.”

Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly.

The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation.

Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access.