we’re probably the most lonely generation in the last few decades. but we’ve never been able to connect with one another more. apps for dating, social media, mutual friends, meetups. we’re always just one click away from another human being and, yet, somehow, true intimacy seems out of reach. not because we don’t have an opportunity to get to know one another but because somewhere along the way we forgot how to let ourselves be known.
we all crave being seen. we all crave that someone who knows everything about us. but as soon as someone gets close enough to really know us, we instinctively step back. we open up to the world in bits and pieces, carefully choosing what’s okay to reveal. somewhere along the line “the less you know the better” quietly became our motto. we mistake self-protection for connection.
i do not think that the issue was caused by dating apps. i think the apps merely revealed this issue for what it really was. they have taken a certain pre-existing phenomenon and have built a whole system on it. attraction takes place within seconds now. compatibility is reduced to a set of six pictures and three questions. we get to know people by taking quicker decisions than we have ever done before. dating apps did not teach us how to quit, they just made it easier to do so.
they have also altered our perception of other people. another profile is just a swipe away. there is another person just waiting to start a conversation. every match is constantly reminding us that there might be someone even better, more attractive, more compatible or even more interesting behind the next swipe. all of this endless choice seems very liberating until we realize that it actually makes every decision seem temporary. eventually, people start seeming like mere possibilities.
after some time, all of these interactions start to become oddly artificial. a person says something nice about your picture and you can’t help but ask yourself if it was really meant for you or whether it’s something they’ve written to five other people that day. someone responds with a joke to your prompt and instead of finding it amusing, you start thinking about how many other people have been having conversations using that same joke. there is no question of dishonesty here; it’s just that everything doesn’t seem to be personal anymore. after having too many conversations that seem to dissipate into thin air, you are not only tired of dating applications, but you are tired of people in general.
and it is odd that dating apps are not even the real cause of this issue. sometimes i ask myself what we would use them for so often if there were still places where people could casually meet each other. how can you meet someone without any places for it while there is not any sort of balance between work and life at all? you get home tired. you have dinner. you spend one hour scrolling through apps because your brain does not have enough strength to think about something else. and then you fall asleep because tomorrow starts at 6:30 am and everything will repeat again. somehow we missed the places where relationships were created accidentally. there is no need to stay after classes since there are no classes anymore. there is no chance to just hang out for the whole afternoon since every minute is dedicated to working.
i also believe that we have managed to alter the way we look at each other as individuals. we all talk about recognizing our own worth but how many times do we actually take a moment to figure out what it really is. somehow in the process, worth turned into something we compared ourselves to others rather than discovering within ourselves. there will always be someone funnier, smarter, more attractive, someone who seems to be doing better in his/her career. someone who travels more, someone whose life seems just a little more exciting based on six selected photographs.
this is how the grass is always greener. it has become far too easy to replace someone rather than understand them. tough talks seem redundant in light of how quick it is to walk away. commitment somehow becomes less about loving one person and more about abandoning all other options. we look for the right person not knowing that we are looking for an escape from intimacy. because perfection makes you look; intimacy makes you stay.
that’s also why i’ve grown to hate the expression “you don’t owe them anything.” clearly you do not owe anybody else a relationship. you do not owe them anything at all, including attraction. but somehow, somewhere along the line, that belief gradually turned into an acceptable way of ceasing to treat people like human beings. honesty became unnecessary since disappearing was the easy option. the concept of ghosting slowly ceased to be impolite and became just a regular part of life. eventually, the person on the other end of the screen stops being a real person with insecurities similar to yours.
dating isn’t a playing chess, but sometimes it feels like everyone believes that it is. don’t double-text. don’t respond immediately. don’t be too interested. don’t let them know you like them first. wait a few hours before responding. don’t appear desperate. we have managed to convince ourselves that emotional distance is more appealing than honesty. we pretend that we like what we don’t. we act like we’re busy when we’re not. we selectively choose what parts of ourselves to share because it means that someone else can refuse to accept the real us.
the awkward thing is that i have done this as well. i have taken time before responding to avoid being perceived as too eager. i have altered my messages since they sounded too eager. i have pretended to be too busy when in truth i am not since someplace along the way i picked up on the idea that emotional distance was more desirable than emotional openness. i was not attempting to manipulate anyone. i was not trying to play games. i was trying to avoid getting hurt. yet in doing so, i was ensuring that the other person would never truly get to know me.
none of these rules really do anything to make dating easier. what they do is make it seem safer. they minimise the risk of embarrassment. they minimise the risk of rejection. but they also minimise the risk of being understood. maybe that’s the deal we’ve made with each other without ever speaking a word. we’ve learned to protect ourselves from getting hurt in a way that ensures that no one will ever matter.
i do not think that people are any less hungry for love today. in fact, i would say that we hunger for it more than ever. it’s just that we’ve become experts at protecting our vulnerability rather than exposing it. we hone our profile pages. we know what kinds of messages get responses. we know what kind of pictures do well. we know how to be fascinating without being too fascinating. in the process of not wanting to get hurt and not wanting to scare someone off, we lost sight of the fact that intimacy is never achieved through perfection. it is always achieved through vulnerability.
there has never been a version of love that isn’t risky. there has never been a kind of relationship that isn’t vulnerable to rejection. there has never been any assurance that the person you love will return your feelings. all of those things have been true. what’s changed is that somehow we’ve structured modern romance to dodge those truths rather than embrace them. in our desire not to be rejected, we’ve shielded ourselves from connection.
maybe that’s part of why so many of us feel alone in spite of talking to more people than ever before.
we haven’t forgotten how to connect.
we’ve forgotten how to allow ourselves to be known.
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