One of the consequences of Punitive Parenting Culture is a world full of adults who jump to defend themselves rather than listen when someone says their behavior harmed them. Especially in the form of, “I didn’t mean to,” or “Well, I did my best,” or “That wasn’t my intent.”
Harm does not require INTENT. Intent to harm would be an additional aggravating factor, but harm can happen with or without intent, and that harm must be addressed. When you’re so focused on “not getting in trouble” because, growing up, you learned that taking accountability was dangerous, you miss the wide range of responsibility you have outside of just intent. The responsibility to take the others’ perspective, the responsibility to learn better, the responsibility to question your thoughts and beliefs if they keep leading to harm, the responsibility to repair and change harmful behavior - all of that exists regardless of intent.
Impact matters more than intent.
“That wasn’t my intent” is not a “get out of jail free” card. It’s usually irrelevant, actually. It confuses the issue at hand and distracts from the problem that needs to be solved. The interesting thing is that if you TRULY didn’t intend any harm, then as soon as you become aware harm happened anyway, your intent to do no harm *should* motivate you to learn, adjust, and change for the better. However, if you allow your brain to shift your focus to you instead of the person you harmed, you’ll get lost in defending yourself and leave all of the healing up to the person you hurt, which causes further harm.
I see this in marriages and in parenting relationships with adult children. When the adult child tells their parent, “You hurt me in this way,” the healthy parent says, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Can you tell me about your experience? I want to understand.” Or some other like-minded invitation for examination and exploration. This tells the child their perspective is important and the parent is willing to bear their weight in the healing process.
The unhealthy parent responds with, “That wasn’t my intent,” or “We can’t all be perfect, ya know,” kind of bypassing statements that shut down further communication and shove the responsibility for healing back onto the child. This only protects the parent, the person who caused the harm in the first place.
Now, it may be hard to hear criticism, especially if your Inner Child holds wounds around accountability, perfection, shame, failure, and more. AND that internal struggle is for you to manage separately with your own therapist or support team. When someone brings up harm you’ve caused, that moment is reserved for them. For them to share, for you to listen, for you to offer repair, and for you to get clear on what changed behavior feels restorative to them. This is how parents heal their relationships with their adult children. No amount of avoidance, shaming, guilt-tripping, manipulation, or denial will heal the relationship. In fact, the more a person engages with these “safer” feeling options, the further they push their adult child away.
So, if you ever hear your child say, “This harmed me,” consider holding space for their experience first. Listen first. If you get flooded and need a break, return once you’re calm to truly hear their experience. Then focus on how you can show up differently. The “I’m sorry” is just the declaration that you plan to change; the consistent change in behavior is the real apology.
No posts
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.