"Gentle" Parenting Shouldn't Be So Rigid You Constantly Feel Like Shit

I recently saw a mom on Reels say she broke up with Gentle Parenting and at first I was confused because she’s very intentional, loving, playful and seems to fall into the “gentle” category pretty well by my estimation.

See, I have never seen “gentle parenting” as a call to a specific prescriptive set of actions. But she described “gentle parenting” as a set of shackles on her shoulders, a constant judgement declaring she wasn’t good enough because she shifted her tone ever so slightly or didn’t feel smiley and playful every second of they day. That DOES sound awful. I’d want to break up too.

Every parent and every child are different and unique. Basic safety, respect, and dignity should be the norm for all children in all households. (For all adults too.) But the range of unique expressions that all add up to “good enough” is HUGE!!

If you hate what social media has done to “gentle parenting” then don’t gentle parent. You can consciously parent, respectfully parent, authentically parent, positive parent, playfully parent, responsively parent, intentionally parent, actively parent, naturally parent, intuitively parent, authoritatively parent, connectedly parent - and probably 50 more things - that all wind up being “good enough.”

In the beginning of my career, this same thing happened with Attachment Parenting. Dr. Sears wrote a book with his suggestions for fostering secure attachment including breastfeeding and baby wearing. I spoke to dozens of moms as the admin for a fairly large breast feeding support group who were devastated and panicked when they couldn’t breastfeed or when their kid hated to be baby-worn. And each time I assured them: Your child attaches to YOU! They don’t actually need to breastfeed to develop secure attachment. They need you to respond to their cries for food with something that gives them nutrients to grow. It fills their belly and teaches them the world is basically a safe place and I can get my needs met.

Your baby most definitely does not need to be worn in a carrier to attach to you. Can you do that? Absolutely, if it works for you and baby it can be a wonderful way to get stuff done, free your hands, and provide warmth and connection your baby loves. But so can sitting in a chair holding your baby. So can curling up in a C position next to them. So can Dad, grandma, auntie, or friends if you just need a moment to breathe.

You can gentle parent in a loving, respectful, healthy, involved, well-rounded way of course. L.R. Knost describes that perfectly in her book The Gentle Parent. If you’re loving gentle parenting - keep going!

I’m not one for fear mongering or perfection. Never have been. My questioning-rebel brain (a la Gretchin Rubin) calls BS on a LOT of the internet. And I’ve seen too many posts that suggest that there’s a perfect way to gentle parent. So I don’t use that term anymore.

I focus on Respect which is the foundation of how I treat all humans. And obviously the acronym I created S.U.R.E. which is Self-honoring, unique, respectful, and empathic.

You focus on YOUR values. And if ANY person or approach makes you constantly judge yourself and feel like shit when another part of you knows you’re doing your very best to meet your child’s needs both physically and emotionally - then break up with that source.

If you know if your gut that your triggers are causing you to harm your kids emotionally or physically, the bravest thing you can do is seek help to integrate the past and learn the regulation and reparenting you need to parent in the way that is aligned for you. Coaching should be shame-free. It should empower you and make you think of solutions that inspire you to grow and expand in your ideal way.

Shame is a de-motivator. It makes you feel less capable and less present. It’s never been the most effective way to help parents in this crazy world. You have the right to refuse the shame folks lob at you. You have a right to cultivate the home that feels best to you and your unique family. You have the right to decide that you don’t need someone you’ve never met on an IG account making you feel like garbage. Delete, block, and remove - that’s your autonomy in action.

You also have the right to choose content that inspires, gives you ideas you feel empowered to incorporate, shows you how to love your most precious people just a little more when the world is on fire and your plate is overfilled. Trust your body to tell you the difference.

And tell me below a way that you’re a “good enough” mom! Reclaim that power.