My Mom Married A Cop

Artwork by Sarah Jane Lambert

When Renee Nicole Good was murdered by an ICE agent, I wasn’t surprised. But I was furious. And it’s taken me awhile to process it.

Then, we heard the audio. “Fucking bitch.” It’s taken me awhile to process this, too. Most women I know have been spoken to like this, usually quite often. I mostly get “pretentious bitch,” which I take as a compliment.

And men calling us bitches IS a compliment. Because it shows that they recognize us as powerful, a threat to their manhood (especially if it’s small.) Yes, they are the fucking bitches. As we see every day from Trump, every accusation is a confession.

But it’s also, in their mind, an excuse for violence. Sidney Hook defined violence as “the illegal employment of physical coercion for personal or group ends.” This definition works for our purposes here, but only a man would define violence by leaving out the emotional and cognitive applications of it.

Women (and non-binary people) experience widespread personal and systemic violence across all scopes - physical, sexual, emotional - but I believe that all of these acts stem from the same source: the fragility of a particular type of man.

Being threatened by a woman often makes these kinds of men want to destroy that threat. And that is what happened with Renee.

From what we’ve seen, she was polite and upbeat, refusing to engage in the emotional escalation, refusing to give Ross the power for which he was salivating.

The first word that came to mind for me as I pondered this murder was: misogyny.1 Then, Kate Manne wrote a piece about it that said everything that I was thinking. (God, I love her.)

Human perception suffers from many “isms,” as Audre Lorde called them. Ageism, racism, heterosexism. But the original ism, the Biblical ism - sexism - is at the root of all of them, especially the most important ism we’re facing right now - fascism. The majority of our country - both men and women - are sexists.

Sexism (misogyny) is deep; it’s in our culture, it’s in our worldview, and it has us. Every time we have a thought about a woman’s body, or a woman’s choices (or if you’re a woman yourself, your own body and choices) - a thought we’d never have about a man - we are being sexist. It’s programmed into us, through our media, our religions, our education, Disney movies, our social and political structures. But you can fight it, by recognizing your own thought patterns, and by actively resisting them, and then, by actively resisting sexism in the world around you.

We should all be like Renee and her wife, Becca - standing up to patriarchal structures of control, intimidation, and violence. Even to the edge of doom.2 It’s definitely one of the several things I’m consciously doing with my life. My history demands it.

You probably remember that I grew up in a very conservative household. My grandfather, who was basically my actual father, had a very traditional idea that women needed men. After all, he had saved my grandmother from public shame when her much-older boss had gotten her pregnant at only 19. My grandfather had married her, joined the Air Force, became a very important Intelligence Officer. Granny didn’t have to work and instead, raised three kids (which is harder than working), only one of them his, it turns out.3 No one knew about these scandals until after he’d died, and he left this earth believing that women need to be cared for by men.4

When I was 21 years old, my boyfriend and I decided that we wanted to move to Reno to open a business. My grandfather said that my boyfriend couldn’t take me out of state unless he married me. I needed to be cared for, committed to, apparently. So we got married, and we shouldn’t have, and we no longer are, thankfully. (He was a good man, but not the person for me.)

When I was 12 years old, my grandfather made an attempt to be sure my mom was cared for, too. She had left my father, who she’d caught shooting up heroin, when my sister and I were very young, and she’d brought us to Texas, where her parents could help raise us. A single mom of two young girls definitely needed saving, right? There was a local cop who mowed lawns around town, and that’s how my grandfather met him, set him up with my mother, and pressured them to get married.

This cop was one of the strangest people I have ever encountered. Facts of note:

• His huge German shepherd was named Biff, which tells us a lot, and Biff was terrifying. (I still can’t be around big dogs.)

• He ate raw eggs and dog biscuits for breakfast. (The cop, not the dog.)

• He spanked my 8-year-old sister, who he barely knew.

• There were regularly dead deer hanging all over the yard.

• He once walked in on me preparing for a shower, stark naked at 12 years old, and instead of closing the door and apologizing, he stood there with the door open, yelling at me about doing some chore, as I cowered, attempting to cover myself.

And here’s my favorite: While married to my mother, he pulled a woman over for “speeding.” He told her that if she didn’t sleep with him, he would plant cocaine on her. She refused, he arrested her, and she took him to court. He ended up losing his badge. A very, very rare instance of justice. (Obviously, my mom divorced him when all of that came to light.)

Cops are almost always the purveyors of violence. On the streets, in their own homes (no demographic abuses their families more), and in official capacities. Cops are prone to violence. They suffer from poor mental health. A certain type of person chooses this as a career, and they are often very power hungry. Robert Balch, in fact, wrote that they tend to have “authoritarian personalities.” And REMEMBER: The police are almost never in danger. In fact - it’s never been safer to be a cop! They are more powerful, better weaponized, immune to laws, and high as fuck on power. Yet, they react (they are entirely reaction) as though they are always in danger, and that keeps them even safer.

So imagine you wanted to be a cop, and you had all the violence and misogyny and small dick energy to do it, but you were too mentally unstable and out of shape and brainless to pass the screenings. Well, that makes you a perfect ICE agent! Here are the only requirements to sign up:

• Be a U.S. citizen.

• Possess a valid driver’s license.

• Be eligible to carry a firearm.

• Enter on duty prior to your 40th birthday.

• No previous experience in law enforcement is required.

I’m being particularly vitriolic right now. It’s probably not cool. But I know what these kinds of men are like. What they’ve done to me. What we watch them do to people of color, to women, to members of the LGBTQIA+ community. What they are now federally empowered to do, at their whim. And I’m mad as a hornet, as Granddaddy used to say.

And I hope you are too. I know there are a lot of things to be angry about right now. And more are coming. Don’t let any of it become normal. Take care of yourself, please take breaks from it, but don’t stop paying attention and actively resisting.

Also, I guess I’m back?

With love, Your Friendly Neighborhood Philosopher