A few weeks ago, I shared a reel on Instagram responding to a conversation between two Christian content creators. They argued that gentle parenting and biblical parenting are incompatible—more specifically, they seemed to be saying that substitutionary atonement (or penal substitutionary atonement) stands in opposition to gentle parenting.
I don’t even think that’s true. In fact, I think you can practice a gentle or gentler/authoritative approach to parenting and align your parenting style with biblical values. I think you can specifically believe in PSA and be a gentle parent.
But before diving in, I’ll give some context because I’ve noticed I have a few new friends since I last posted with any kind of consistent rhythm.
Who I Am
I’m Sunita. I’m a late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD mom of neurodivergent kids. I also didn’t grow up in the church. I was raised Hindu and sort of meandered my way into becoming a Christian in my early twenties. Those two realities—late identified neurodivergence and adult conversion—definitely shape the way I approach both my faith and my approach to parenting.
What Gentle Parenting Actually Is
When I talk about gentle parenting, I don’t mean permissiveness or disengagement. Gentle parenting is part of a broader family of approaches that for the purpose of my writing include conscious parenting, responsive parenting, and more broadly authoritative parenting (as opposed to authoritarian parenting).
At its core, when I use this term, I am referring to a style of parenting that combines clear boundaries with empathy, respect, and connection. It prioritizes guiding rather than controlling, disciplining in ways that preserve dignity and don’t emphasize punishment, and cultivating trust so that correction and redirection leads to growth rather than fear.
Alright. Let’s move on.
The Cross in Christian Imagination
Throughout history, Christians have used multiple images to describe what Jesus accomplished on the cross: victory over sin and death, reconciliation, ransom, healing, moral example, and more.
Penal substitutionary atonement (PSA) is one of these lenses. It teaches that Jesus bore the penalty of sin in our place so that we could be forgiven and reconciled to God. It’s not the only biblical way to understand the cross, but it remains one that many believers hold. When I was a new Christian, I assumed it was the way to understand what happened on the cross.
And here’s the thing: this doesn’t necessarily mean God delights in punishment. It means God himself, in Christ, absorbed judgment out of love. The cross reveals both God’s holiness and his deep love for humanity—a justice that restores rather than destroys.
Goodness Before Brokenness
It’s also worth remembering that the Bible doesn’t start with sin. It starts with goodness. Over and over in Genesis 1, God calls creation “good.” When he makes humanity in his image, he calls it “very good.”
We can acknowledge that sin is real without erasing the dignity or goodness of being God’s image-bearers. Which means we don’t have to start our parenting journeys by focusing on or insisting that are children are “bad by default.” They aren’t. They are beloved creations who, like us, wrestle with sin and need guidance and grace.
Gentle Parenting and Penal Substitutionary Atonement
I wrote earlier that I don’t think PSA and gentle parenting actually stand in opposition to one another. I want to clarify what I mean by that.
Some assume that if God’s forgiveness required judgment, then parents should mirror that by punishing children harshly. But that misses the point of the atonement.
Because Christ already bore judgment, our role isn’t to reenact it on our children—it’s to walk with them in truth and grace. We can name sin honestly without crushing their dignity.
Scripture gives this vision clearly:
“As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him” (Ps. 103:13).
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).
Gentle parenting is not being overly permissive or disengaged. It is correction and discipline carried out in ways that preserve dignity, honor goodness, and point toward restoration.
Gentle Parenting and Other Views of Atonement
I don’t want to only limit this post to PSA, either. Because Christians have never limited themselves to one way of describing what Jesus accomplished on the cross. The richness of Scripture gives us multiple images—and every single one has implications for how we parent with gentleness.
Christus Victor (Victory Over Sin and Death)
This view emphasizes Jesus’ triumph over the powers of sin, death, and evil. Applied to parenting, it reminds us that our children are not our enemies, and their misbehavior isn’t a “battle” against us.
If we must persist in these battle images, then consider that perhaps the true enemy is the brokenness of this world. Parenting with gentleness means joining Christ’s victory—helping our kids resist shame, fear, and despair, not crushing them under it.
Ransom and Redemption
This view highlights Jesus freeing us from bondage. For children—especially neurodivergent ones—harsh, rigid discipline often increases feelings of captivity and helplessness.
When considered in this context, a gentle approach to parenting mirrors Christ’s redeeming work by creating safe, connected spaces where kids experience freedom to grow in love, trust, and responsibility.
Healing and Restoration
Another image is Jesus as the one who heals and makes whole.
Parenting through harshness tends to wound, while parenting through gentleness, with a movement toward repair, offers healing.
Gentle correction, calm presence, and patient discipline can actually restore rather than fracture the parent-child bond. I think many trauma-informed approaches would lend themselves nicely to this view.
Moral Example (Christ as Model of Love)
This view emphasizes that Jesus shows us how to live. And how does he invite us?
With gentleness: “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart” (Matt. 11:29). If Jesus leads us with gentleness, then parenting in his way will do the same.
Why Gentleness Matters for Neurodivergent Kids
Last year, I wrote for Christianity Today about how gentle parenting is not just biblical, it’s effective, particularly for kids who experience the world differently—kids who often face sensory overload, emotional dysregulation, and heightened anxiety.
Harshness or rigid discipline often deepens shame and alienation. Gentleness, by contrast—expressed through empathy, structure, calm, and connection—creates safety and trust.
This isn’t indulgent or anti-gospel parenting. It’s faithful, gospel-shaped parenting modeling and reflecting God’s patient, redemptive love to the littlest neighbors among us as they grow into adults.
It’s parenting that recognizes each child’s God-given wiring and image-bearing worth.
Well. I haven’t done this section in awhile. Everything has felt like it’s been imploding. All of our emotions are big and complex. And I don’t think there’s one right way to navigate them.
A few months ago (maybe during Lent?), I’d shared a few books on grief. I’m sure there are many others, but these are still among the ones that come to mind first: Finding Meaning by David Kessler (and also his book with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, called On Grief & Grieving); A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis; Being Mortal by Atul Gawande; The Long Goodbye by Meghan O’Rourke; The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion; Modern Loss by Rebecca Soffer and Gabrielle Birkner
Some updates:
In the midst of a tricky season, I’ve had the opportunity to chat with many kind friends on their podcasts these last few months, with more to come. I’m doing my best to keep the list of links updated here.
I also had a chance to review Sandra Peoples’ latest book for Christianity Today back in July. You can read the review here.
The replay of the PDA workshop I led this summer is now available on my website, and more writing workshops and other resources to come soon.
Some recommendations:
I watched the first season of High Potential this summer, and the second season just started (don’t spoil it, I haven’t watched it yet.), but it’s been a nice mental escape while folding laundry or decompressing at the end of the day. I think it’s on ABC.
I haven’t had capacity to do much reading lately besides the Dog Man books with my kid (which we LOVE), but I’m slowly moving through Maggie Smith’s Dear Writer, and it’s been kind of like a hug and a pep talk every time I pick it up.
I was excited to see that the Mountain Goats announced a new album and confused-excited that the first single features backing vocals from Lin-Manuel Miranda, but I’m into it.
And on an entirely unrelated note, I’m also excited about a book coming out next month by Marissa Franks Burt and Kelsey Kramer McGinnis (The Myth of Good Christian Parenting). They’ve done some incredible work unpacking how we think and talk and teach about parenting in the church. I first connected with them because I wanted to know if they’d encountered any teaching specifically about neurodivergence or disability in their research, and quite frankly, they hadn’t. I think their book is needed, especially right now, and I’m looking forward to reading it.
Ok. That’s all I’ve got for now. Until next time, friends. 👋
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