it is the twenty second of january. I burnt my hand just a moment ago which for whatever reason has made it feel like the right time to write this.
I been thinking a lot about the state of things. I think of what makes my life feel rich and whole, and I’ve determined that my life will only ever feel as full as the cups I pour into. it exists in the amount of myself that I give to others. to me, it’s very telling when I encounter somebody who might think otherwise. what do you mean I should put myself first above all else? isn’t that terribly egocentric and, therefore, wrong in its very nature?
I for one love the exhaustion that comes with giving or being present for somebody besides myself. happily, I would drain all my energy to whatever it is my loved one cares about, even if it means I have no energy left in me for myself by the end of it.
oh, how I love when I am distracted by loving someone, when I’m engulfed so entirely by that feeling that I don’t have the capacity to do other things. how lucky am I to have someone I could feel so passionately for? what a joy to have found that in my little life. it makes no sense how I could experience that feeling toward another person, be it a friend or family, and still somehow decide that my own personal wants deserve a place above it.
in reality, I still do a lot for myself in the typical way. I have more hobbies than any one person can juggle and yet none of them feed me the way feeding other people does. I would rather preempt what my mother’s evening activities will be to discern whether she’ll need me home to do the housework first. I would rather spend my lunch break buying treats to reward the young people I work with. I would rather spread love, spread joy, spread goodness.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since we welcomed in the new year. maybe it’s the reason why I’ve always struggled with self-improvement. on the surface, it only benefits me. but maybe I’ll find a way.
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