The High School Commencement Address

Good evening, graduating class of 2026. You’re almost there; all there is left is to insert your nearly invisible, noise-cancelling earbuds, punch up your favorite playlist and fix your eyes on me the way you fixed them on your World History teacher as he attempted to regale you with stories from the life and times of Oliver Cromwell. In this case, there won’t be a test.

The learned people at ChatGPT informed me that high school graduates are hungry for pearls of wisdom from wandering sages who graduated high school back in the times of typewriters, telephone booths and affordable college tuition.

I live to serve. So...

Pearl One: Don’t trust artificial intelligence.

Pearl Two: At some point you will likely hear, if you haven’t already, “You can be anything you want to be...” Maybe yes, maybe no. It really depends on what you want to be. Remember, you have to eat.

Pearl Three: Ditto for, “The older you get, the smarter your parents were...” Nope. They were just as smart as they were when they said it, and what may have been true for them, may or may not be true for you.

Pearl Four: Ditto-ditto for, “You’re about to discover that these teenage years were the best years of your life...” Tell whoever said it, you will do all you can to make sure that’s not true.

Pearl Five: Love does not always win over hate. It looks to be about 50-50. May you live your life determined to tilt the scale in favor of the L column.

Pearl Six: You can compare apples to oranges. They are the same in that they’re both fruit. They’re the same in that they are both round. They are different in that we normally eat the peel of one and not the other. They are different in how they taste. The person who laid that tired old cliche on you, was simply avoiding your original question.

Pearl Seven: When the answer to your request for advice, making a tough life decision is, “What would Jesus do?” tell ‘em He’d do whatever He wants. He’s Jesus.

Pearl Eight: When someone tells you “A penny saved is a penny earned,” ask what that means, and report back to me. I don’t get it.

Pearl Nine: Intentionally omitting significant details in order to get someone to believe the opposite of what is true, is the same as lying. Exactly the same. Advertisers have done it forever. When “Four out of five dentists recommended (Trident) sugarless gum for those who chew gum,” you want the names of those dentists, and what you want more than that is the name of that fourth dentist and what she recommends, ‘cause she’s the only one who’s not on the take.

Addendum to Pearl Nine: Politicians run circles around advertisers on this one. I hate to pile on, but when the leader of the free world, no matter who he is, gets caught on camera during a meeting with his eyes closed for more than a minute, after which his “people” issue a statement saying he was blinking, well, I’m not saying they’re “lying when the truth would serve them better,” as my mother used to say (I wonder why she felt the need to say that?), but I recommend before taking that at face value, you Google The Guiness Book of World Records, and find the record for the longest blink. If that blink is shorter than a White House briefing...well... When any politician looks straight into the camera and tells you you’re way better off than you really are, do these three things: Go from the grocery store where you just decided you’re giving up coffee, to the gas station where you can watch the dollars fly up like cherries shooting past on a slot machine, to the nearest ATM where you can watch dollars go down at that same speed.

Pearl Ten: Believe in science. Science tells you what it knows, what it believes because of certain evidence, and what it doesn’t know.

Pearl Eleven: Believe in history, but be careful where you go to get it. The best historians are like the best scientists; they tell you what they know, what they believe because of all available evidence, and what is conjecture.

Addendum to Pearl Eleven: Whatever book you go to for your spiritual beliefs is not a history book. It may create for you a moral compass, help you find peace, influence your life decisions, but it ain’t history.

Pearl Twelve: There is very little major conflict among human beings that doesn’t include racism. Our species has unfortunately evolved being attracted to others - feeling safer with others - who look like us. Racism can be loud or subtle, even unintended; but it’s always dangerous. When someone tells you they’re “color blind” when it comes to race, stand three feet away and hold up three fingers. If they come up with three, well let’s just say they’re blowin’ smoke. The only true “color blind” people are blind people.

Addendum to Pearl Twelve: If you claim you are not racist, but vote for people who clearly are, you’re a racist. This is one of those If-you’re-not-a-part-of-the-solution-you’re-part-of-the-problem deals.

Pearl Thirteen: Ditto Anti-, gender, sexual orientation, trans, homeless, mentally ill, physically disabled...and whatever I might be forgetting. You can’t vote for ‘em and you can’t sit idly by unless you want to be part of the hate.

So there you have it; a thirteen bead pearl necklace! If you rush to the nearest pawn shop to have it appraised, you will discover that 13 is indeed, an unlucky number.

Okay, you’ve heard the address, get out there and Commence!