Rectum? Damn Near Killed-um!

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The end of each year marks a time for accounting. We review the last twelve months of cultural milestones and learn the top ten movies of the year, the top thirty TV shows, the twenty best podcasts, the best books, the most popular albums.

I pay attention to none of these.

The day after Christmas, the New York Post published my favorite annual list with the headline “The Government’s Keeping Track of What People Get Stuck in Their Butts — These Were the Worst Items Last Year.”

The “worst items,” they say. What if I want to know the “best items” to stick in my butt? Where’s that list? What are those specs? I’m not getting that from the New York Post. I guess I’ll have to re-up my subscription to Consumer Reports.

Consumer Reports has categories for Appliances, Babies and Kids, Cars, Electronics, Home and Garden. Aside from Babies and Kids, these are all things you can stick up your butt. And when I include Cars, I’m assuming the Matchbox variety.

The headline writer at the right-wing Post has a way of making it all sound so ominous. “The Government’s Keeping Track…,” as if this is yet another intrusion by the deep state on the “inalienable Rights” enumerated by Thomas Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence: “life, liberty, and the freedom to stick stuff up our asses.”

We all have our own way to pursue happiness.

Fortunately, the government entity is not the FBI but the Consumer Product Safety Commission, which supposedly keeps its database anonymous. That sigh of relief you hear is from every politician and government official who ever got on the wrong side of the Trump administration. As for those forever obsessed with the whereabouts of Hunter Biden’s laptop, there’s one place I bet you haven’t looked.

While I appreciate the Consumer Product Safety Commission’s mission, I can’t help thinking this database is used mainly for entertainment at the office Christmas party.

“People! Open the liquor cabinet! I got the list!”

What is the Consumer Product Safety Commission going to do with this information? Are they going to recall that power strip with the sharp edges or that “natural antler chandelier” *or that leaf vacuum. We need to protect those inquisitive adults with too much time (and lube) on their hands. People at loose ends, so to speak.

When I was a kid, I remember sticking a navy bean up my nose.· That’s what little kids do. They stick things up their noses. It seems at some point in human development, a light switches on. “Hmm. I wonder how this would feel up my butt?” This may be a sign that one has graduated from childhood into adulthood, a rite of passage, if you will.

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I’m not going to go through the entire list. You can click on the link for that. But here are some notable selections:

Screws and nails – I’m imagining a carpenter who’s run out of space to hold them between his lips.

Baseball – Clearly out of the strike zone. “Down and away.” Brings new meaning to the term “foul ball.” Insert your joke here:_________________________________.

Egg – Just “playin’ chicken.” And as the saying goes, “If you want to make an omelet, you’re going to have to shove a couple of eggs up your ass.”

Sandal – Not clear if a foot was still in it.

Two Pencils – Or is it one #2 pencil? Either way, please tell me it went in eraser first.

Lubricant Bottle – That has to be an honest mistake. “I didn’t mean the actual bottle!”

Dental Pick – You know what they say: “Only floss the asshole you want to keep.”

Wine Stopper – Those are some floral notes I want no part of.

Corn Cob Holder – It came out completely intact, much like the corn kernels themselves.

Flashlight – What they used to find the corn cob holder.

Plastic coat hanger with outside of hanger cut off so he could drive to ER – Who wants to bet that 99% of these ER patients are men?

Corn Cob Style Pipe – An unfortunate accident during my Off-Off Broadway performance of “An Evening with Mark Twain” where I made up my butt to look like Hal Holbrook.

There seems to be a corn theme developing here. Maybe it’s just corn trying to find its way home.

Broken Piece of Butt Plug and Tweezers — Finally! Something designed for the butt! Although, a double whammy where they also find an object meant to remove the original object, such as the aforementioned tweezers or pliers or salad tongs. This is why a gift card from Sur La Table or Ace Hardware might be a nice Secret Santa present for that friend or relative fond of ass play. The double whammy is a clear economic indicator. American healthcare is so ridiculously expensive, people feel they have to go DIY. Thank God for YouTube and Reddit.

Ironically, not on this year’s list of items: a Double Whammy.

Doorknob – Who among us has not backed into a doorknob? Reminds me of that Disney classic, set during World War II, Bedknobs and Broomsticks… or Objects Found in a Nazi’s Ass.

I know by now, many of you are asking, “Hey Skro, what might we expect prominent people to have up their butts?”

I’m glad you asked, because I’ve compiled a short list of current public servants and what I think might be found up their butts. Feel free to add your own in the comments below.

Stephen Miller: bedknobs and broomsticks.

Donald Trump: J.D. Vance’s head.

Chuck Schumer: his own head.

RFK Jr: a mouse. After he said to his falcon: “You gonna eat that or not?”

Kash Patel: the Epstein Files. After Pam Bondi turned to him and said, “Quick, stick these up your ass!” This could also explain the bulging eyes.

Pete Hegseth: a green Army man. Come to think of it, that would be a good nickname for him: Pete “Green Army Man” Hegseth.

Lindsey Graham: a penis

Kristi Noem: one lightly chewed dog bone. Sad.

House Speaker Mike Johnson: a Trump bible autographed by the Orange Julius Caesar himself.

One of my father’s favorite jokes was about the guy in the diner who orders a meal and when the waiter brings him his soup notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup. The guy lets it pass. The waiter serves him his main course; he notices the waiter has his thumb in the mashed potatoes. The guy still doesn’t say anything. At the end of the meal, when the waiter brings him his coffee, he sees the waiter has his thumb in the coffee. That’s it, “Hold on. You bring me my soup; you’ve got your thumb in my soup. You bring me my main course; you’ve got your thumb in my mashed potatoes. Now you bring me my coffee, you’ve got your thumb in my coffee. What the hell’s going on here?”

The waiter says, “I’m sorry, sir. I have an infection in my thumb, and the doctor says I have to keep it warm.”

The guy says, “Well why don’t you stick it up your ass?”

The waiter says, “Oh, I do. When I go back in the kitchen.”

That joke still makes me giggle like a naughty eight-year-old. I can’t explain why, except that somewhere deep inside of me still lives a naughty eight-year-old.

Someone once asked my good friend and great standup comedian, Dom Irrera, “What’s so funny about up-the-butt?”

Dom said, “I can’t tell ya, but I can show ya.”

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* I shit you not.

· My mother, a former operating room nurse, plucked it out with some tweezers.