Oh hello there,
I went nuts on Monday. Not my regular nuts — not the teary, spiral-y, what-am-I-doing-with-my-life nuts. The other kind. The hyper-focused, jaw-set, get-out-of-my-own-way-and-fix-something kind.
I don’t do this often. I am, by nature, a world-class procrastinator when it comes to “chores.” I can intellectualize a mess into a metaphor before I actually wash the dish. I can sit beside a pile of laundry and have a full existential reckoning instead of folding it. That is my brand.
But Monday was different.
It wasn’t a mood swing. It wasn’t inspiration. It wasn’t even motivation.
It felt like a pull.
Not a shift — I don’t feel lighter or clearer or reborn. I feel tugged. Like something in my chest grabbed the front of my shirt and said, you cannot stay here. Not here as in this apartment. Here as in this version of stagnation. This low-grade waiting. This hovering.
And when I say “try harder,” I don’t mean hustle culture harder. I don’t mean grind. I don’t mean prove. I don’t mean wake up at 5 a.m. and optimize my morning routine.
I mean try in the way you try to locate meaning.
Try in the way you test the walls to see which one might be a door.
Try in the way you stop blaming circumstances and ask yourself, quietly, okay… what is actually within reach?
It’s less about productivity and more about alignment. Less about being impressive and more about being intentional. The dishes got done, sure. The emails got sent. The drawer got reorganized. But those weren’t the point. They were proof of movement.
And maybe that’s the real thing I’m chasing — not perfection, not success, not even clarity.
Just motion.
Because complacency has a way of dressing itself up as patience. And I think I’ve been patient long enough.
So Monday I went nuts.
The controlled kind. The purposeful kind. The kind where you decide that even if you don’t feel a miraculous internal shift, you’re going to act as if something inside you is worth listening to.
I don’t know where it leads yet.
But you should know by now, I can’t ignore the pull.
Love,
Stephanie and Bunny
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