A Year of Being 30

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Last year, I feared turning thirty, so much so that I wrote a whole article about it! I had felt the pressure to have done something impressive and lamented my belief that I hadn’t. My belief wasn’t exactly grounded in reality, but it was hard all the same.

Today, the day before my 31st birthday, I am looking back over the past year and realising that God knew all of those fears. He saw that anxiety about turning 30 and has spent the past year answering prayer after prayer. It’s remarkable how God knows the longings of our hearts and responds with love and grace, even when those longings are a bit misguided.

This time last year, I wanted to be someone. I hadn’t publicly announced my pregnancy yet, but I was already so unwell because of it. And as much as I deeply love my children and would do pregnancy all over again to have them, I was frustrated that my whole life was consumed by sickness.

Even before the sickness kicked in, I wasn’t satisfied in my work. I’d bounced around a bunch from job to job, and while I knew that wasn’t ideal, life had taken over and my work had become less of a priority. I can see now that each of those jobs was the right thing for that time, but I approached my 30th birthday with a ton of regret. As a teenager and young adult, I had dreams of what my life would look like, and I felt like the door to get there was closing, and closing fast.

How wrong I was!

Over the past year, that door has swung back open, wider than ever before. There’s too much to share, and some of it is still a work in progress, but it’s all so good.

In June, I started a new job. I applied thinking there was zero chance I would get it, that I wasn’t qualified enough to take on such a big role. I felt God push me to hit ‘submit’ (despite my initial fighting against it) and felt his presence throughout the application process. I left the interview believing that, even if it wasn’t this job, I was competent enough to surpass my expectations.

My former self, who was bold enough to travel across the globe at 18 to fulfil a dream of studying in the US, came back for a moment. And I realised that I had allowed the words of others to shrink me. All the people who doubted, all the jobs I didn’t get, all the twists and turns life had thrown at me had made me behave in a way that wasn’t authentic to who I am. That’s not the fault of any particular person or place, but is just what happened. I had felt and acted small, retreating away from self-confidence because I thought that made me a better person, and because I had come to believe that God couldn’t use me in the ways I had wanted him to.

But since starting this new job, I haven’t felt small at all. I’ve seen myself shine in ways I haven’t in years. My self-confidence has come back and I go to work each day feeling confident that I can actually do the tasks in front of me. It is a big job, bigger than any I would’ve picked for myself, but God had a plan. And the plan was good.

I don’t have regrets anymore about where I’ve been. They were all good in their own right, and I can see how they each led me to this point. But this is the right place for me in this season, and it’s a wonderful feeling.

I leave my year of being thirty not just feeling like someone, but like the person God made me to be.

And it’s not just been in my work life. My personal life has flourished too, and God has been so, so faithful. I’ve found parenting two kids easier than one (believe it or not!), and we’ve had people come into our lives that have been such a blessing. We moved from Cambridge to Rugby in October. I was a bit anxious about the move, but God knew the wonderful things he had for us here. He saw the various longings of my heart and fulfilled them, without me even articulating all of them. Never have I felt the words from Psalm 139 more than this moment. I can see how God knows me intimately, and it has played out in so many different ways.

And so I feel freer than I ever have to live into God’s promises.

That doesn’t mean the last year has been sunshine and roses. There’s been a lot of struggle and heartbreak along the way. Some of those things were expected, and others came at me like a freight train. It would be wrong of me to imply that it’s all been amazing. However, I leave my year of being 30 full of hope and full of anticipation for what 31 might bring.

I had worried that God would give up on me as I turned 30 without a big accomplishment to my name. Maybe I wasn’t a “30 under 30” candidate, but God’s starting a new season as I turn 31… and it’s a beautiful one.

I hope this was helpful, or at least provoked some interesting thoughts. Please feel free to send it along to someone and encourage them today. If you want to connect with me in other ways, you can follow me on Instagram.

With much love and gratitude,
Stephanie