just because he is saved, doesn't mean that he will love you well

With my knees pulled under myself, I had settled into the elbow of the couch watching a sermon from Anthony Mitchell at 2819 Church. In the way he does, he clapped his hands together expressly, b-lining up and down the platform, explaining how Jesus affirmed singleness, and what’s more, the seriousness of marriage and how Jesus explained the new rules about divorce to his disciples.

What I heard next has given me pause since.

In Matthew 19, “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” The disciples responded, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”

I thought, if I am understanding what I’ve read correctly, these men who follow Jesus, love Him, and are willing to die for Him, cannot grapple with the seriousness of covenant. Mitchell explained that back in that zeitgeist, men were divorcing their wives for all kinds of things, even burning the meal.

What reason did they want for divorce? To leave for said burnt meal? The standard Christ set was to stick it out ‘til death with one another and to only be divorced due to sexual immorality, lest they become adulterers. What’s at the heart of wanting to split for the little things?

I considered this, and also the written fact that David is remembered as a man after God’s own heart, even after it was evident how troubling his views on women were, and furthermore, his actions with them and whoever got in his way. Yes, his repentance matters, but that does not encourage me to turn a blind eye from the fact that it happened.

I think that we as humans are a production of both nature and nurture. This is excellent and terrible. Because in the same way that we can learn to behave well, we can also learn to behave badly.

It is no secret or novel consideration that we live in a world where from culture to culture, boys and men have been socialized and taught that they are in a place set higher than a woman. This influences workplace cultures, pay gaps, the domestic sphere, and of course, dating culture.

And how we are socialized, of course, informs our beliefs. But we have to choose what we want to do with them.

So men, in these cases, need to decide if they want to take the good lessons on masculinity and seek justice, love mercy, and treat both women and men with equal respect, or if they want to lay hold of the mindset that they are the superior sex and pervert the role God has given to them.

Moreover, the body of Christ, the big-C-Church, needs to pay keen attention to how we play a role in the fostering of both burgeoning men and women. Some of us do this well and some of us do not.

It is critical to not present secular gender roles and slap the Bible on it. Christ-like masculinity and Christ-like femininity are their own things, and should not end up being taught as, “women, stay sweet, keep the home, make yourself small,” and “men, be domineering, make the money, what you say goes no matter what.” The Bible teaches gender roles based on love, because Christ Himself is love.

The leadership of the husband was never supposed to be weaponized, and the submissiveness of the wife was never meant to be used as a means to hinder what God has placed in His daughters.

We know that in the same way there are believing men who pervert their leadership in the home and also are unkind and belittling to women, there are very wonderful men who walk in godliness, strength, and love. Obviously, the same goes for the female sex as well, but please, for the sake of this post, leave room for nuance.

I am addressing women concerning men in this piece not because the truth is not applicable to men concerning women, but simply because I have seen more women end up in crushing marriages because they married a man solely for his belief in Christ, than I have seen men suffering for it. Both realities matter, but I have chosen my audience for this moment.

With the aforementioned reality, alongside hearing anecdotes and living in them as well, I came to this realization:

A saved man does not necessitate a good husband.

It’s a truth that I wish I knew at nineteen. I remember thinking all it took was a man who could speak in tongues, prophesy, hold some kind of ministry office, anything that showed he cared about God at all.

I would pray earnestly for such a man, and I have no recollection of ever just praying for a man who bore good fruit and lived with integrity and the fear of the Lord.

Christ died to save sinners and to take us all on a transformation into Christlikeness. And with this comes a sanctification that’s a process. There are some beliefs that people grow out of as they walk with Christ, but there are some that never grow out of, likely due to a lack of surrender and sufficient stubbornness.

Back to this socialization/nurturing bit. Because of this reality, dear woman, when dating, please look very closely when you are on these dates and read your text messages with clear eyes.

A man can be saved to the uttermost and not respect you. A man can be blood-bought and not yet know how to treat you the way Christ intends. You have the tools of the Word to test his character, to know him by his fruit, and to pray for God to illuminate any blind spots you may have (because the boy is cute and sweet, yes?).

Ask intentional questions that are practical. Don’t get caught up in a swirl about wondering if he feels like your husband. Get caught up with asking and listening to what his thoughts are about women, what their place is in the world, how he treats the ones in his life — how he treats you. Just because he can pray in tongues does not mean he will love you well in English.

With love,
Rebecca