Your mistress has come to you with a concern. She’s upset about something you’ve done or maybe she’s just having a bad day. Your first instinct is to do…what?
Chances are your first instinct is to try and fix the problem or explain what happened as a way of justifying your choices or covering your butt.
It’s the last thing she wants you to do.
It will just upset her and tell her that you aren’t doing the one thing that really matters:
Listening to her.
She doesn’t need you to fix some thing (unless she tells you to).
She doesn’t need your excuses, defensiveness or over-explaining.
What she needs is for you to listen to what she's sharing and fully take it in with a single, simple acknowledgement on your part.
“Yes, mistress, I hear you.”
That’s it. That’s all she needs to hear in the moment.
And that may not be what you want to read, but it is absolutely essential for you to understand you’ll have that moment when you are seen and heard, when she is ready for you.
In a Female Led Relationship, you orient yourself to her, and that includes paying attention to her needs and desires, but it also includes paying attention to her moods. It involves recognizing that what she needs most from you isn’t for you to step in and fix everything or cover your butt.
She needs you to listen her.
Welcome to sovereignty through submission, leadership through service. This is the Substack for submissive men who value presence over performance and the dominant women who love them:
At some point this question comes alive in you. You’re used to being the center of attention, to having the relationship orient around you.
But in a female led relationship, the relationship doesn’t orient around you.
I mentioned above that she needs you to listen to her. But there’s something else she also needs.
She needs you to take in what she shares and really receive it.
That doesn’t mean you shut off your reactions, thoughts or emotions, but what it does mean is that you don’t make all of those things more important than her. If you need to be listened to in the moment, you’ve made the relationship about you, instead of connecting with her.
There’s a time and a place for your voice, but in the moment, when she is sharing something vital with you, you need to stay oriented toward her. She is the center. You orbit her. If this is hard for you, think of it as an opportunity to discover another layer of submission to her.
Let go of trying to defend or justify yourself. Let go of trying to protect yourself. Take in what she shares and consider it. She is giving you the opportunity to receive her wisdom and insight. Allow it, because it will give you something to work with, within yourself and in the relationship.
You want to submit to her.
You want to surrender control and be led by her.
But she pulls back and gets cold and withdrawn.
Find out why and what to do in The Sovereign Submission Relationship Guide
She spoke her piece and you listened.
You took in what she shared and sat with it.
There comes a moment where she invites you to check in. Maybe it’s the end of the day, or an hour or two after she first spoke to you, or maybe it’s the next morning, but whenever it is…this is the moment you can speak and be seen.
You might be tempted to stay silent, resentful, toward her authority. That’s a power game, but it’s once that cheapens the dynamic and tells her that you aren’t ready for her.
You might think that if you say what you think she wants you’ll get a “good boy” or “atta boy,” and a a pat on the head of approval, but that’s just people pleasing behavior that will make you less in her eyes and cause you to respect yourself less.
What you really need to bring to her is the truth. Yes, this is a female led relationship, and for it to truly work, you need to bring her your true feelings, thoughts and experiences.
There is space for all of it and she wants it, because she can’t truly trust you in this relationship until you give yourself to her and that includes all the feelings, thoughts and insecurities you want to keep from her. Keeping them from her just puts a wall up in the relationship that keeps you from each other.
So when she invites you to share, what she is really inviting is your honest awareness and reflection of whatever she brought to you. She is also inviting you to show her that you can take responsibility for your feelings, thoughts and experiences, without putting all of them on her.
She needs to know you can do the emotional labor and truly show up in the relationship. Her leadership isn’t an abdication of your sovereignty. It is a call for you to be the king that can kneel to her because you are wise enough to recognize her leadership and strong enough to be a steward of your own experiences.
When you come to her with your emotions and thoughts and experiences she doesn’t want to be overwhelmed by them. She wants to know that you’ve mastered yourself enough to share what comes up in a way that speaks to the heart of your awareness around her leadership and also takes ownership of your experience.
What you share is an offering to her leadership and a trust in her as the leader of the relationship.
That means what you share needs to be honest, real and relational. She wants the depth of your emotions, brought to her with the sovereign awareness that knows how to kneel to her and offer the truth without trying to people please her.
If you’re a man who hasn’t fully learned how to connect and express his emotions, wants and needs, it can really overwhelming to bring all of that to her.
A lot of men are disconnected from their emotions, numbing them because they don’t know how to handle the immensity of the experience, let alone bring it to someone else.
In the Sovereign Code Cohort, one of the skills you’ll learn is how to connect with your emotions, desires, and needs through your body so that you can fully feel them and bring them to her with conscious awareness and clarity.
The Cohort start August 20th. Join us and transform your relationship with her by stepping into your sovereignty, so you kneel to her with presence.
This is a cohort for men who desire or are in Female Led Relationships, but feel like something isn’t lining up.
You show more devotion and she pulls back.
You’re ready to show your service and she rebuffs you.
You say you want her leadership, but something within you resists.
You can try to solve this on your own or you can get the support you need, from men who are on the same journey as you.
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