Kristi Noem Has Reached Her Final Form: BRONZE BARBIE

Y’all... there I was, minding my own damn business, when Ice Barbie appeared on my screen standing next to a bronze statue of herself and a horse. I mean to tell you, she was grinning from ear to ear. And I remember sitting there thinking, “Oh dear God. It’s the return of Ice Barbie. Who summoned this reboot?”

I’ll tell you who summoned it... South Dakota. Apparently they have this thing there called the Trail of Governors where they put up bronze statues of their former governors, and this year it was Kristi’s turn. And y’all, when I realized they had actually put this b*tch in bronze with a horse, I thought, oh hell, they’ve done it. Ice Barbie has reached her final form.

And y’all, the roast started writing itself. I mean, with the material she gave, how could it not? Because there she was, standing there in all her glory, just smiling at this bronze version of herself. Seriously, she acted like this was the greatest thing she had ever seen. And I just kept looking at her thinking… girl, you are standing there admiring yourself in bronze while you are still very much alive. Now, I am not quite sure what the proper etiquette is for attending the unveiling of your own statue, but apparently grinning like hell next to yourself is the option she chose.

And let's talk about this so called Trail of Governors for a minute. Because when I saw that my mind immediately went, “The what now?” South Dakota read the room.

I mean it, what the actual hell are y’all doing naming a tribute to former governors the Trail of Governors? Seriously, tell me… I’ll wait. Because the similarity between that and the Trail of Tears is a bit on the nose. But y’all, this is South Dakota we’re talking about, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Still, how this never came up in the brainstorming meeting is beyond me. There has to have been at least one person who heard the words “Trail of Governors” and said, “You know what, maybe we ought to kick that name around one more time.” Governor’s Walk was right there. But nope. Trail of Governors it is.

So I did the roast, and I must say, it was hilarious. How could it not be when South Dakota had basically dropped Bronze Barbie right in my lap? And do you want to know what the funniest part of all of this was? The fact that they had finally made a version of Ice Barbie that could survive the weather. They literally made this b*tch weatherproof. Which around here meant one thing, we had found our next musical. And just like that Bronze Barbie was born.

So my wife, being the creative genius that she is, took my roast and turned it into this song. Then she started putting the video together, and let me tell you this: my wife hid quite a few Easter eggs in there. So when you watch, make sure you pay attention to what is happening around Bronze Barbie too. Some of it is right there in front of you, and some of it is just happening in the background while you’re listening to the song.

So when one of those Easter eggs walks across your screen and you think to yourself, “Wait a damn minute. Did I just see what I think I saw?” Yes. You probably did.

For instance, take the dogs. There is a scene where Kristi is walking by a bunch of dogs, and when they see her, they start cowering. And if you know the story of Cricket, then you already know exactly why my wife did that. Kristi Noem wrote in her own book about shooting and killing her 14-month-old dog, Cricket. Why did she do this? Because she deemed the dog to be untrainable and dangerous. And my wife, being the pet lover that she is, did not forget that story when she made this video. So all those poor dogs you see Ice Barbie coming into contact with who are scared, that part is an homage to poor Cricket. Rest in peace, Cricket.

And then there are the men dressed as women, because yes, y’all really did see that. We put them in there because of all the cross-dressing references involving Kristi Noem’s husband. And if ya want the truth, those are the scenes that probably had me laughing the most. You just see these men walking around South Dakota in dresses while everything else is happening. Nobody stops and tells you what you’re looking at. They’re just there. And if you know what that reference is about, you’re going to see them and go, “Oh my God. She did not.” Yes, she did.

Then Mount Rushmore shows up, and I’m sitting there watching this thing and thinking, of course Mount Rushmore is in Bronze Barbie, because how many times have we seen Kristi use Mount Rushmore over the years? We even had Cowgirl Ice Barbie riding around on horseback at Mount Rushmore during her DHS days.

The bit with the previous governors straight up took me out. All you have to do is look at their faces because they look horrified while Kristi is still smiling like she is having the best damn day of her life. I mean, these are the governors from the Trail of Governors that Bronze Barbie has now joined. And that could not go unnoticed.

So y’all, when you watch this one, keep your eyes open because we put all kinds of little things in there, and I know I haven’t told you everything because I don’t even want to tell you everything. I want y’all to find some of this stuff yourselves. Watch the dogs. Look for the men in dresses. Keep an eye out for Mount Rushmore. Look at everybody’s faces while Bronze Barbie is wandering through this whole ridiculous world smiling like she doesn’t have a care in the world.

So Porch family, here she is… in her final form!

The Southern Punk Project proudly presents...

BRONZE BARBIE.

Because apparently Ice Barbie wasn’t finished with us.

And lord have mercy… they just made that bitch weatherproof.

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