in defense of religion

have that funny little feeling since this morning like i might have to crawl inside of an old shoe and die. when i feel this way i tend to reach for contact with something that i deem SAFE. for example, institutional recognition is SAFE. brands are SAFE. people who work with me, who work in offices at desks that rise up and down when they hold down a button, are SAFE.

life long thing. if something SAFE is willing to brush against me, then so help me god i will live another day. getting good grades and wearing clean clothes and brushing my hair one hundred times on each side. often i have to tell myself, that i am not in trouble. that i do not have any reason to run, hide. because if i wake up with that funny feeling, like i am not SAFE or like something inside of me is fundamentally cracked and snapped, then I will go out looking for SAFE. imagine that. I go out looking. i think some people do heroin for this reason. i did science fair and do pilates. i don’t even get high.

girls remember how things make them feel. sometimes people are nice in person and then their art work makes me feel like someone is touching me with wet hands under my shirt. or like i am being pinned down and yelled at for no reason. or like they are begging me to see them as something other than what they are. i am sure my artwork is not exempt from conditions. but i work all day and night to keep my spillage clean. and when people love me back they giggle and whisper it to me like little bells.

૮꒰ྀི⸝⸝> . <⸝⸝꒱ྀིა……….. they are young and tall. and they are vegetarian, but they ate lamb chops last night………

not everyone wants to or has to listen, i know. listening makes you love. and we have to be discerning about our love these days, don’t we? im not sure if anyone would be able to love me without some expectation of control. my picky eating and eclectic way of dressing. my proverbial sense of duty.

i have been extraordinary lucky or maybe ruined to have gotten deep immersion in at just the right time. those secret years gave me the faith and foundation that i function from the well of. it was a leap of faith but it was so easy. i never had money back then but i had so much time. not everyone has time and so i understand that not everyone can follow a distant arrow for years of their lives. although now that i am talking to myself the thought arises that you have time for whatever you have time for, and all you have is time.

this is not to say that i don’t have my bitchy moments. i try to chirp all day long, emphasis on try, but I really do, try to clear my cache, and try to do my stretches in the right sequence in order to then cry it and write it and meditate it and know myself know myself. know myself so well, operate from so deep in my body that it is scary to behold. and then also apologize easily and listen fully. and i am a human but i play a special character. and when it’s time to give 50k ppl a ping in their inbox i do my best to make it fresh and sweet.

anyway i could not take one step in this direction without religion. not one single step. i exist in an egg. i can’t look someone in the eye unless i love them. religion has led me like a lamb in my egg towards loving them. it is by definition a prescription for building a good and meaningful life. i have always been obedient. i also don’t think if I was left to my own devices that i could carve an honest path through spiritualism and monotheistic guidelines. i think the whole point is that you can’t pick and choose. you have to vow to be something entirely.

i can’t do anything by myself. i owe everything to others, and so i owe everything to everyone. i have enough humility to know that i can’t choose what to do and how to do it. maybe you can, but i think that is what is ruining us. is that we assume we are capable. well i assume i will get lost. and so i submit. and so i have the strength of angels behind me. i have a code of right and wrong that doesn’t change based on my convenience. due to religion. i have endless courage, and so much purpose that i forget that a lot of people are still out looking for theirs.

along my way a couple of men have noted how this instinct to serve actually would suit me better if it belonged to them. if i belonged to them. but to be honest the same men said they would hang my curtains. and here we are after these years with no curtains. which is a funny thing because i live high enough that no one can see in. i really have a lovely apartment too. they wanted the curtains. and didn’t get the curtains.

my grandma asked me recently why i don’t front my accomplishments. i tried to tell her it’s because i live in an egg. i have nothing to show. i want to be on my knees begging. at all times, i am on my knees begging. i just have read Andrea dworkin, and so I don’t even like typing those phrases out for lecherous eyes. and so that boundless devotion has to express itself a little broadly. through the science fairs and well mannered behavior and such.

maybe you are wondering what happens in the off chance that nothing SAFE is able to touch me. if you are wondering like this then you might be missing my point. as far as i know, my point is there is propensity for safety in every breath, and a million ancient techniques that will happily orient you back towards that. I can pray even if i’m a vegetable. i don’t need anything else. not really. i don’t even need you to accept me. i know better than to care about that. although i still would really like it if you did.

below the paywall is my testimony regarding the retreat i did two weeks ago in which i didn’t speak or eat or drink water for three days. a little extreme. an in depth analysis of the experience will be available later this week on patreon but below this point I am explaining the context and training that went into it.

things are getting real!

luv from ur sotce :*