Top 5 Badly Chosen Business Names (2013 Roast)

This May 2013 classic was revived to remind us that some business names are so bad they’re actually perfect. Back then, we ranked the top five companies that either didn’t notice the dirty double entendre or actively engaged it at full throttle — from Johnson Controls and The Beaver Companies to Analtech, S.T.D. Contractors, and the world famous Big Dick’s Halfway Inn.

Thirteen years later, these names still hold up as pure accidental (or intentional) comedy gold. The internet never runs out of new examples, but this original list remains one of the cleanest dirty rankings we’ve ever published.

Read the original untouched 2013 roast below (the full top-five ranking and the gentle roasting of each company). Then vote: Which name is the worst (or best)?

Written by Ian C (original post here)

One of the first rules when starting a business is to have a catchy name. A name that will stick in people’s minds as a means of free advertising. A name which will pass by word of mouth so that everyone will know who you are and what you do.

The following businesses followed the first rule, but failed to keep reading to rule 2 which states “Don’t give your business a name which causes people to laugh out loud and share it on satirical news blogs as a backup post for having nothing better to write about.”

Johnson Controls is a global diversified technology and industrial leader serving customers in more than 150 countries. They do not make remote control penises, sorry ladies.

Since 1976, The Beaver Companies have been taking care of your asphalt needs. That is if you need your asphalt. Why would anybody need their Beaver Sealing anyway?

Since 1961 Analtech has been manufacturing quality thin layer chromatography plates, providing friendly and expert technical assistance and helping customers solve real problems with real solutions. I still have no idea about what they do, and what it has to do with their name.

These guys are simply builders. They do sheds, home improvement projects, wood and masonry work. In essence, these guys are the ultimate handymen, however I am guessing that brothers Simon, Tom and David are since regretting the order in which they were born.

These people knew what they were doing. There is no way this business name happened by accident.

“Hey Dick, how is the diet? By the way, have you thought of a name for that inn you built which is halfway through the Ozarks?”

“Yeah, how does ‘Richard’s Diner’ sound?”

Let these business be a lesson to you. The next time you start a business, when you think of a name, sleep on it and then ask friends you can trust and then sleep on it again. I wonder what Bill Gates was thinking about when he named his business? ‘Micro’ and ‘Soft’ are both highly ranked on the Do Not Use list of business buzzwords.

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2026 Reality Check: The Bad Names Keep Coming

• All five companies on the original list still exist (or existed under those names long enough to become internet lore).

• New poorly chosen business names continue to surface every year and go viral for the exact same reasons.

• “Big Dick’s Halfway Inn” remains the gold standard of intentional dirty naming.

• The advice still stands: sleep on the name, ask friends, and sleep on it again.

Aged like fine asphalt sealing? Or like a company name that should have been run past a 13 year old boy first?

Reviving dirty business names weekly. Follow @slapthepenguin on X for more roasts and daily nonsense. Comment: What’s the worst real business name you’ve ever seen?