Reinvention and what that means

Back in December, I was a hair’s-breadth away from closing Bay-Made. I had taken major steps to recover from my anxiety and depression, but I was still buried deep under years of burnout.

I found myself crying before work, Sundae the cat the only reason I wanted to go to the store. I was grumpy with customers, and felt hopeless. I dramatically texted my closest friends and family, telling them the news: I was going to close.

In reality, I just needed to get that out of my system, and as my brain loves to do, very quickly started thinking of logistics. I determined it would take nearly as much work, if not more, to close the store as it would to keep it open. I decided then that instead of closing up shop, I still wanted a place to sell my art, and I knew I didn’t want to full-time market vend again, either. Not only that, I would miss having a little shop in my own neighborhood. On Lakeshore, aside from Bay-Made, there’s nowhere else to buy a birthday card outside of Trader Joe’s or Walgreens.

Exhausted from keeping up with everything myself, I was realizing I needed to share the load. I made an instagram reel about my situation, asking for people interested in joining me as a collective—paying a small amount of rent and filling out a space of their own in the store to sell directly to customers. The response was lovely, and now our new iteration has ten vendors (including myself) as part of the collective, and we still have our awesome gift boxes for sale online and the rest of our best sellers in store.

I am so much more energized by having these other people involved. They are mostly people I have worked with before, and I’m thrilled with how things are turning out. I am hopeful that this rebirth of Bay-Made lasts for years to come.

Since 2023, it has been hard to confront the fact I couldn’t do something alone, that I couldn’t just will my way and force progress. I am simultaneously someone that loves doing things with others, while also feeling that because I am capable, I should be able to do everything myself. This is dangerous thinking for myself. Instead, I have been delegating as much as possible. Having nine other people to help with things has done a great deal for my psyche, especially as so much of it has required letting go of control. It has required me to think outside of what has been done before, and the suggestions of others have helped create a Bay-Made that is far better than any iteration before it. I am so proud of what I have done with the help of this collective. It has always been special, but now it exceeds anything it has been before. I am so grateful.

How else does one recover from burnout? I have started saying no more, or giving emphatic yeses instead of wishy-washy-noncommittal-California-maybes. Showing up for community even when I haven’t “felt” like it has been rewarding. I have also been baking a lot of focaccia, Basque cheesecakes, making fresh salads from my garden, getting my hands dirty in said garden, and watching as spring has awoken everything into a flurry of activity. I have been reading instead of doomscrolling, and am still playing Skyrim when I get the chance, all without guilt. I have also started taking some online classes on business, design, and writing, and signing up in advance for painting workshops with friends to have somethings to look forward to. Altogether it’s slow—I still have days where I barely feel like moving. However, I have found that honoring that need for rest has made me recover far faster than trying to muscle my way through it by being productive. Huh.

Well, Sundae now lives with me at home. I think she likes it. We have far more sunny windows to choose from, room to run around and drift corners by, and she is trying her best to become friends with the other two cats. She loves coming out to the garden with me so she can go live her best dirt-bag dreams and roll around in the soil and catmint and get absolutely filthy. Good for her.

Ryan Coogler’s Sinners - If you have not seen this, this is my favorite movie since 2022’s Everything Everywhere All At Once. I recommend seeing this one as blind as possible, but all one really needs to know is that it features the blues and vampires. The score and soundtrack are outstanding. I saw this in 70mm at The Grand Lake Theater, the movie palace that Oakland-born director Coogler went to as a kid. Tuesdays are discounted and are often preceded by an organist playing in the main theater, and our showing was packed and had great energy, even several weeks after opening.

Witch King by Martha Wells - What a refreshing fantasy! While I haven’t read Wells’ more popular sci-fi series Murderbot Diaries, this dip into the worlds of demons and witches through two timelines kept me rapt with clever foreshadowing and flashbacks. Looking forward to continuing this series.

Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky - I am not finished with this one yet, but what a wild concept so far. A genetically engineered intelligent virus is placed on a terraformed world that is supposed to make humans into gods for the primates that would inherit the new world by enhancing and speeding up their evolution. Except just as the experiment and cargo ship of primates is supposed to land, sabotage happens. Instead of monkeys inheriting this new world, the jumping spiders and other invertebrates that were placed as background on the planet have now risen to the evolutionary scale of human intelligence. What happens when the last vestige of humanity needs to land there?

Clockwork Boys by T Kingfisher - Oh, I don’t think Ursula Vernon can do any wrong. I loved this duology, which features a doomed party of explorers that are going to die anyway, so they may as well try to pull off some espionage. What could go wrong with a group containing a disgraced but still wholesome paladin, a forger, an assassin, and a scholar?

Lofi Girl Medieval Lofi Playlist - I’ve started a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign with some friends and neighbors for the first time in a few years, and this playlist has been getting me into the fantasy spirit while I plan encounters and edit maps. It is also oddly motivating while doing dishes and sauteeing onions, I have found.

This was a shorter post than usual, but I wanted to get something out before y’all forgot about me, or I forgot about substack entirely. Thanks again for reading!

xoxo Sarahjane