Rediscovering the Magic: Navigating Christmas in Adulthood

We’re finally in December, and walking into the Christmas period. It has me reflecting on the holidays. Christmas has probably always been my favourite time of the year. I have always had the Christmas spirit, even into adulthood. But these past few years it’s been feeling different. I don’t know if it’s settling into adult life, the shine is off, and banality sets in. Last year, burnout had me in a chokehold, I didn’t have room to breath. This year, I well and truly have the time to reflect. I’m feeling the space of an ocean and time away from my family in New Zealand, the years that have grown me into an adult. I can’t help wondering what does Christmas mean to me, in adulthood, with all the independence in the world, and happy childhood memories feeling like an echo.

When I think of Christmas, I think about the rituals of my childhood, the anticipation and the build up. Especially, when we got to travel every second year for Christmas’s with my Dad’s family. We all lived in different cities, so it made it that much more exciting. While we were close as a family, it was an infrequent experience to be all together in one house for a week. I lived for the infectious, excitable energy of the family unit. We would play games of cops and robbers - running through different gardens and fields, destroying plants along the way. There was a rich, formal Christmas lunch, and an absolute shit-fight for the most coveted food item - my Grandma’s mini mince pies (actual mince, not the sweet kind). There’s a consistency to the feeling of being with same people each year, dynamics don’t really change, and you build upon them each year.

One of my favourite memories is being 11 and spending essentially three days in my uncle’s pool, with my sister and cousin. We were in and out of the pool at least 3 times a day. Every time we got out and showered, we’d feel like going straight back in. We raced each other in made up games, did handstands in the pool, and generally just had a blast. Fast forward three days, and my cousin got sun stroke, and I had an ear infection and waterlogged ears. Sometimes it’s painful to have a good time!

These sort of memories transport me back, and fill me with nostalgic, bittersweet happiness. Time moves quickly, and suddenly, you and your cousins are growing up, there’s girlfriends, budgets, and new life factors that change the landscape of your family. Suddenly, you feel these rituals end, it creeps up on you like a blink of the eye. Maybe it is a good thing, it means we are growing up, and have the chance to explore a life outside what we are forced to do. But it doesn’t change that tinge of sadness at leaving something good behind.

I miss the expectation of Christmas events, the wait til early December to put up the Christmas tree, the excel spreadsheet organisation of Christmas cards, the anguishing over what gifts to give hard-to-please relatives. Those rituals reminded me of all the years that had been before, the connection I have to both people and the objects that represent Christmas to me. It was more special because they only happened once a year.

Christmas feels very different living away from home. I’m always unconsciously excited for Christmas, but now it isn’t automatically special. There aren’t all these rituals and people to make it different to every other day of the year. How do you make Christmas special, where do you find your own rituals, and Christmas celebration in a foreign landscape? It’s much easier as a single person to avoid everything. There isn’t an obligation or tie to anyone that forces you to do new things. You can make excuses, let the year creep up on you, let plans fall by the way side. That definitely happened last year, but I was also dealing with a lot. To actually make the effort is hard, but I think every time I do, it is also rewarding and nourishing. Nothing new is going to exist on its own, so I’ve got to make the effort for myself.

The loss of some of these rituals and continuity in my life, makes me see why some people find religion alluring. I imagine getting an inbuilt sense of community, and reliance on people is comforting. Especially when you’re in a vulnerable position, and lacking community in your own life. Knowing you have a place to go, an invisible tie to a specific group of people is special. Whilst I wouldn’t personally choose to join a religion, I can see why people who are lost, would seek refuge in that comfort.

For me, this year, I am trying to start small, start with some attainable new things to get me in the Christmas spirit, find things that actually make me happy. Here are a few of my ideas:

• I’m hosting a friends Christmas in my new home.

• I’m finally buying a flat Christmas tree of Facebook Marketplace (god bless), and will be low budget decorating it.

• I’m going to start my Christmas decoration collection with one nice, sentimental item, that can remind me of this year.

• I’m working out my own 12 days of Christmas, and will indulge myself with little things each day.

Hopefully this starts a new well of positive feelings, and enjoyment in my favourite time of the year.

I would love to know what rituals are important to you, whether it be for Christmas, or another important event or milestone in your life.

Thanks for reading,

Sian x