Productivity and the Sabbatical

It’s been three months since I quit my job and took a break from the workforce. It is truly a relief to not be working anymore.

However, stopping work brings with it, its own doubts and insecurities, particularly in relation to my productivity. While I mostly feeling confident in the decision, it can be hard when people question what I’m doing. Especially when there isn’t anything tangible to show for this period of time.

From the beginning of my unemployment, I’ve had a lot of questions from friends and family. Questions like, “When are you going to look for a new job”, “What have you been doing with your time”, “do you have any idea about what you want to do for work?”

These questions, while often well intentioned, are fuel to the flame of my own doubts. When I am feeling most uncertain, I can’t help but hear these questions as telling me I am wasting valuable time to be productive. And I ask myself why I still don’t have a clear idea of what I want to do in the future.

These thoughts have come and go, throughout my break. They were very prevalent about a month into my unemployment, when it felt like enough time had passed and in my head I should have done more. But I think I was also getting used to taking a break from work.

I was also trying to recover from burn out. When you’re dealing with burnout, you need the recovery time, the time and space to rest and feel better within yourself. This is especially important when you’ve been stuck in this phase for a long time. Burn out isn’t something that just heals itself as soon as you have a break.

It’s a slow as hell process and the outcome is almost completely invisible.

It’s hard for people to see these invisible successes in my life. The fact that I feel happier, less weighed down by the world. For me that is a huge accomplishment, regardless of anything else, because for a long time I was really unhappy and couldn’t see a way out of my job. Feeling more freedom, and joy in my life is so valuable. And I’m guessing if you asked my friends and family, they would agree that I am a more positive and happier person.

More recently though, I have had felt these doubts and insecurities creeping back up. Not all the time, but when I think about the fact its been three months, I can stress myself out. Stress myself out in the day to day, when I think I’ve spend too much time watching tv, or sleeping in. I worry that I am not spending enough time trying new things, and exploring both who I am and the world around me. I will say to myself, things like,“What are you doing with your life, why haven’t you got a better idea of what you want to do yet;” “Omg, you slept in so much, you are wasting the day;” or “It’s Friday, what have actually achieved this week? Those negatives thoughts can be hard to manage, and at times make me more stuck in the moment.

Part of me does feel like I could be doing more, but I think that might be the wrong way to think about it. I think I need to be more intentional and mindful with the time I have left on a full work break.

It’s okay to rest more, sleep more, and do nothing more.

These are valuable activities. Stopping things I clearly like and need is not the answer. I think it’s about reflecting on how I do them. I have the bad habit of trying to do multiple things at once, like watch TV and write an essay (not a good combination).

I need to prioritising activities that actually bring me joy. If I really want to write and build this substack, I need to make the time. And if I don’t, maybe that’s a sign of what I really want, or a reflection of my current headspace.

I’m a work in progress and that’s okay.