Let me set the biblical order straight: marriage isn’t egalitarian, and it isn’t quite what the complementarians describe either — it’s patriarchy. The husband is head of the wife, as Christ is head of the church (Ephesians 5:23). But there is a dangerous patriarchy being preached today, and we need to name it: a patriarchy of position rather than a patriarchy of responsibility.
Being head of your marriage is not a position to be obtained. It is a responsibility to be fulfilled. I fear for the men who treat headship as a throne to sit on — tyrants on a fake throne — instead of waking up every morning in the fear of God, knowing they will stand and give an account for how they led their marriage. Husbands, you will come before the judgment seat and answer for the banner you placed over your wife.
The Banner Over Her Must Be Love
Song of Solomon 2:4 says, “His banner over me was love.” Not just: he had a banner. Not just: the banner was over her. The banner was love. Many men stop one point short. They build something; they even establish headship. But then comes the question that exposes everything: What does your wife see when she looks up? Because if it isn’t love, then you are one of two things — a cruel tyrant or an absent loser.
Does loving headship mean you always do what your wife wants? No. But it means you truly consider her point of view. It means you weigh her safety and well-being in your decisions. It means you seek God about what He would have you do. I know men who would never take advice from anyone — wife or otherwise — before making a decision. Those men are reckless fools. Don’t be a reckless fool.
Here’s the standard: when you make a decision, your wife should have every confidence that it wasn’t made selfishly or half-baked. Then she can stand with you in that decision, for success or failure, because she knows you pleased God in how you made it — and bearing the consequence together is part of the covenant. For better, for worse.
I have looked like a fool before men I greatly respect because I would not give them an answer on the spot — even when I was fairly sure I knew where God was leading — because I knew that if I pulled the trigger right then, Sarah would look at that decision and think, “That wasn’t loving. He didn’t even ask my opinion.” It is better to say “I’m not ready to decide” in front of men you admire than to plant an unloving banner over your wife.
Can She Point to the Evidence?
How does a wife see that the banner is love? Not from a plaque on the wall. From a history of decisions.
A history of sacrifice. Can she point to a time you suffered for her sake — gave up something you wanted, for her? Before Sarah and I were engaged, her father answered my request for her hand with the worst possible word: “Wait.” Then again: “Wait.” Over more than a year, I waited — with a ring I’d been saving for since high school, money I’d committed to the Lord and refused to touch. Sarah watched all of that. She knew, before she ever wore the ring, that I would sacrifice to meet the proper conditions for her. That’s how we started.
A history of guarding her safety. Men, you are built to take risks; it’s called testosterone. Women are built toward safety — and that’s good; you need both in one house. The question is not whether you take necessary risks. The question is: when you do, can your wife honestly say you made provision for her safety? Can she point to a time you courageously led her through difficulty and she felt protected the whole way through? That’s when she looks up and says, “He loves me.”
A history of seeking her betterment. Sometimes that even means telling your wife no. But she should never have to wonder whether your no — or your yes — was for her good or for your convenience.
A history of adorning her. Christ washes the church and presents her to Himself glorious, without spot or wrinkle. He wants His bride adorned. Do you? Is your history one of praising your wife in public — or standing on her shoulders to get ahead? I’ve heard husbands badmouth their wives so relentlessly that I’ve wanted to ask: “If she’s really that bad, why would I listen to the fool who married her?” Think through the logic, men. Every insult you aim at your wife lands on your own judgment. Praise your wives. Cherish your wives. And open your billfold on purpose sometimes — send her to buy the new outfit, not because she asked, but because you told her to. She won’t just come home with clothes. She’ll come home knowing her husband loves her, and that changes everything about it.
You Have the Marriage You Want
Now the hard word. In all the marriage counseling I have done, when things have gone wrong — even when both spouses are clearly sinning — there is one thing I have found almost without exception: the man is absent from leading his marriage in godliness. I honestly struggle to think of a single case where that wasn’t true.
So men, I’m firm on this: you have the marriage you want. You are leading your marriage — you just might not be taking it anywhere. If your family is not going in the right direction, look in the mirror and examine the banner you’ve made. Sowing and reaping is a law: sow nothing, reap nothing; sow bad seed, reap bad fruit. That’s harsh, but it’s true. If you want a better marriage, lead better. Your wife is likely looking at you right now thinking, “I’d love a better marriage — maybe you should get to leading.”
Headship is real. The authority is legitimate — delegated by God Himself. But it was never given for your comfort. It was given so that one day your wife could look up at what flies over her life and read, without squinting: love.
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