It’s wild that I’m about to admit this publicly in this week’s article, but here goes. For the first 30+ years of my life, I had no idea what a boundary was.
Okay…that’s a slight exaggeration. I knew what one was in theory, but I had zero idea how to actually apply boundaries to my life in any meaningful way.
I was the guy who said “yes” when I was too afraid to say “no”, the guy who showed up for people who never showed up for me, and the guy who consistently overcommitted, overextended, and over-explained my way through life. And on the rare occasions I actually did manage to set some kind of limit, I’d spend the next three days drowning in guilt and rehearsing apologies to people who probably didn’t care either way.
And then afterward, I wondered why I felt burned out emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
I am, in the kindest way I can describe it, a recovering people-pleaser. If you can relate, then this article on boundaries landed on your screen at the ideal time.
But before we talk about boundaries, we need to do some pre-work about our priorities.
Priorities, by definition, are the activities that you’ve decided deserve the most of your time, energy, and attention.
When was the last time you got honest about your top five priorities in life? Not what your boss wants them to be, not what your in-laws think they should be, and definitely not what society thinks they should be. I’m talking about what you think they should be.
As the saying goes, if everything is a priority, then nothing is a priority.
Unfortunately (and I’m speaking from deep personal experience on this), when you don’t have clear priorities, you become reactive and let other people’s urgent stuff trample all over your important stuff.
I learned this the hard way working for a boss who treated my evenings, weekends, and family time as her personal property. The breaking point came when I had to call my daughter to tell her I wasn’t going to make it to help her with a school project I’d promised to help with. As I heard my baby girl’s disappointed little voice, something cracked open in me. That was the night I sat down and actually wrote out my real, conscious, deliberate priorities.
More specifically, I decided I was willing to set aside my people-pleasing persona and defend these priorities like my life depended on it…because, in a sense, it did. The short story is that when I started taking my priorities seriously, it changed everything for me.
So before we get to this boundary stuff, kindly get a pen and write down your top five life priorities. Real talk, this may be harder than it sounds. I know people who are more familiar with the cast of their favorite Real Housewives show than they are with their life’s priorities, and there’s way too much at stake for us to ever become one of those folks.
That’s why we’re starting here, because boundaries are designed to protect our priorities, which means, we can’t have boundaries without priorities (hopefully that makes sense).
So, first things first—once you’ve got your priority list figured out, let’s do this.
Most people think of boundaries as a single category: “Stuff I will and won’t let people do to me.”
Man…I wish it was that simple. That’s a start, but it’s incomplete. There are actually three types you need to develop, and most of us are weak in at least one.
Boundary #1 | Time boundaries: These are limits on how, when, and for whom your time gets spent. “I don’t take work calls after 7pm.” Or “Sundays are family days, so I’m not available for that meeting.”
Boundary #2 | Emotional boundaries: These are limits on what emotional weight you’re willing to absorb. “I love you, but I can’t be your therapist right now.” These matter especially if you’re a highly-sensitive person like me, because you can take on the moods of an entire room without realizing it.
Boundary #3 | Digital boundaries: These are limits on how technology and other people’s content get to access your nervous system. “I don’t check my phone an hour before bed and an hour after waking up.” Or “I muted that group chat.” Think about this y’all—we’re the first generation in the history of forever who’s being asked to manage people’s unlimited access to us. Even worse, we’re the first generation who has to manage our unlimited access to other people’s outrage and half-baked opinions on social media.
Those are the boundaries, my friend. Kindly pick your weakest category and start there.
Once we’ve got that locked-in, now it’s time for the hard part.
Setting a boundary is one thing. Enforcing one, especially with someone used to you not having one, is a whole different beast. I use a framework I created that I call L.I.N.E., and hopefully it’s helpful for you.
L — Listen: This is the step that many people skip. If someone is asking you to do something that may violate your boundaries, now is NOT the time to get defensive or respond with passive-aggressive sighs. Just listen fully and stay calm, so you’re prepared for the next step of this process. If the “staying calm” part is a challenge for you, read this.
I — Inspect: Once you understand exactly what’s being asked of you, this is where you determine whether it violates one of the boundaries you placed around your established priorities. This step requires that you already know what those boundaries are, which is why the priority discovery work we did earlier is so important.
N — No: If you’ve determined that your boundary has been violated, it’s time to say no. But here’s the key: you need to say no with confidence, and without over-explaining or apologizing for having boundaries. Your “no” doesn’t need to be elaborate, in fact, the simpler, the better. For example: “I won’t be able to do that.” Or “That doesn’t work for me.” Or “I’m not available then.”
E — Enforce: This is where most people fall apart. Each time you cave, you teach the other person that the boundary doesn’t exist. Each time you hold, you train them that it does.
Please remember this, you don’t have to be harsh to be firm. You can be warm, loving, and absolutely immovable at the same time. As I love to say, “warmth in the heart, and steel in the spine”.
(Side note: If you want a much deeper dive on the L.I.N.E. Framework, including examples of how to apply it, I highly recommend checking out my book, Making Work Work.)
Okay my friend, enough of the technical stuff. Let’s get into the most important part of this article—why we actually need boundaries in the first place.
Hi, it’s Shola! Allow me to interrupt your reading to mention that the fastest way to grow this kindness movement is to kindly share this article with others. If you’ve found this article helpful, please share that helpfulness with others. It’s free and it only takes a second.
Now I’m at the part that actually matters in this boundary conversation, and it’s what finally made boundaries feel good to me instead of feeling like I was a jerk for enforcing them.
Boundaries are a gift to the people in your life. (Yep, you read that right).
Without boundaries, the version of you who shows up to your relationships is exhausted, resentful, distracted, and probably a few seconds away from an epic meltdown. As we both know, that version can’t be fully present for the people you love. Not to mention, that version can’t do the things that make life worth living, like listening well, laughing well, or loving well.
On the other hand, with boundaries, the version of you that shows up is rested, intentional, and actually available.
When you’re with your kids, you’re with your kids. When you’re at work, you’re at work, and when you’re done, you’re done. The people who genuinely love you do not need infinite access to you, they need the best version of you. And the best version of you is not the one being run into the ground saying “yes” to everyone and everything.
Remember this, the “no” you say to one thing is the “yes” you give to something else that matters more.
So if you’ve struggled with boundaries your whole life, here’s where I’ll leave you. You don’t have to fix everything this week. You don’t have to send the big confrontation email or make every difficult declaration all at once. You just have to start.
Pick one priority you’ve been betraying.
Pick one boundary that’s most overdue.
Use the L.I.N.E. Framework to hold the line with warmth in your heart and with steel in your spine.
You don’t have to earn your right to protect what matters most to you. You already had it. ❤️
Ubuntu,
Shola aka Brother Teresa
It’s free, it’s fast, and most of all, it tells me you value this work and that I should keep writing every week in pursuit of a kinder world. Just tap on the “❤️ LIKE” button below!
What’s the one boundary you’ve been needing to set for way too long, and what’s been stopping you? Drop it in the comments, and let’s encourage each other to finally do the thing.
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