You already know this, but it won’t stop me from saying it anyway: every workplace has at least one difficult person.
(If you read my first book, Making Work Work, you already know my more extensive thoughts on navigating difficult personalities at work.)
Maybe some of these common examples will sound familiar to you.
It could be the person who turns every meeting into a battle. Or, the one who can’t have a normal conversation without an irritating undercurrent of condescension. Or, the one who doesn’t respect basic text message boundaries, and the mere sight of the person’s name when it pops up on your phone makes you want to throw it across the room.
Here’s some good news, though. Thankfully, you don’t have to love this person, fix this person, or even understand why they’re the way they are (because Lord knows that I’m not trying to use my limited brain space for those activities).
But the truth remains that if you have to work with them (and I’ll assume that you do if you’re choosing to read this particular article), you do have to figure out how to deal with them without letting these folks slowly steal your peace, your power, and your performance.
Here are my favorite strategies to make that happen most consistently.
Hi, it’s Shola! Allow me to interrupt your reading to mention that the fastest way to grow this kindness movement is to kindly share this article with others. If you’ve found this article helpful, please share that helpfulness with others. It’s free and it only takes a second.
Before I get to how we should handle difficult colleagues, we need to start by figuring out which category of “difficult” we’re dealing with. And yes, I know there are a gazillion different types of difficult colleagues, but for the sake of simplicity, I believe that most can be separated into two categories.
Make sure to choose correctly, because the right move is wildly different depending on which bucket you place them in.
For example, these are the ones who think it’s cool to talk to you with a mouthful of potato chips, while spitting pieces of said potato chips all over you as he does so (side note: I know that’s a gross example, but I used to work with a dude who actually did this often 🤢). Or, it could be the coworker who tells the same Dad joke 31 times a week, without realizing that Dad jokes rarely get funnier with repetition. Or, on a less annoying note, it could be the teammate whose work style is the opposite of yours but who still gets the job done. For these people, the right move is almost always acceptance.
Again, you don’t have to enjoy them or invite them over to the crib on the weekend, and it’s always okay to ask another adult professional not to talk with a mouthful of food while he’s two feet in front of your face. Still though, in most cases, we just need to coexist with as much grace as we can. Think of it like a remixed workplace version of the Serenity Prayer. Burning psychological energy on every quirky human is exhausting and unwinnable.
Not to mention, we probably shouldn’t be out here on these streets getting all up in arms about other people’s quirks when I’m confident that there’s stuff that we do consistently that’s annoying to others too. Just sayin’.
Okay, now let’s discuss the people who cause actual damage. These are the ones who sabotage your work, undermine you in meetings, take credit for your ideas, spread inaccurate information, or bully others. For them, acceptance is NOT the right move because all that does is enable the harm to continue. The right move is action.
Here’s what fascinating, though—a problem that I’ve seen way too often is that we usually get this process backwards. We waste enormous energy trying to “fix” the harmless-but-annoying coworker while accepting the truly harmful one because we’re afraid of the conflict.
To keep this simple, kindly remember this Shola-ism: Acceptance for the annoying. Action for the harmful. Don’t mix them up.
I cannot say this loudly enough on this page—the single most important skill I have ever learned when dealing with other humans who cause harm is assertive communication. It’s the middle ground between two unhelpful extremes that I used to engage in more times than I’d like to publicly admit.
On one end, is passive communication. It’s the “smile and absorb it” mode where you say nothing, let resentment build, and wake up at 3am replaying your inaction on an endless loop.
On the other end, is aggressive communication. It’s the “snap and explode” mode where you let things build for months and then blow up like a lunatic, saying things you regret and handing the difficult person ammunition to play the victim.
Both are objectively terrible, and as I embarrassingly mentioned above, I used to bounce back-and-forth between those two options for years before I discovered assertive communication.
Assertive communication is the third way. It’s saying what needs to be said, clearly and respectfully, in the moment, before resentment has time to build.
It sounds like this:
<When being interrupted>: “I’d like to finish my thought before we move on.”
<When is credit is not given for your work>: “I noticed you took credit for the analysis I put together. I want to be sure that my efforts are credited, going forward.”
<When someone says something that’s clearly rude or unkind>: “That comment landed harder than I think you intended. Can we step back?”
The tone is calm, clear, specific, and final. Most importantly, it doesn’t apologize for itself or soften into uselessness.
I sincerely believe that the most difficult colleagues stay difficult mainly because their behavior has gone unchallenged for so long that they assume it’s okay.
But, it’s not okay, and the beauty of assertive communication is that it interrupts that faulty assumption.
In my experience, almost nobody escalates against you for calmly and kindly stating what you need.
However (and, on an additional positive note), the ones who do escalate are giving you very important information about who they really are.
The last strategy is a something I came up with way back during the pandemic, and it has saved me from countless overreactions. I lovingly call it my Six-and-Six Rule, and please feel free to steal it if it’s useful for you.
Any time you have a tense moment with a difficult colleague (or, anyone really), ask yourself this insanely empowering question:
Will this situation matter to me six months from now?
If your answer is “no”, do not give yourself any longer than six minutes to think about it.
Most petty stuff falls here: the off-hand comment, the eye roll, the slightly snippy email, and other things that are annoying, but not earth-shattering. During those six minutes, feel free to vent in any way that feels right for you. But once those six minutes are up, you need to put the situation in the rear view mirror and move on.
On the flip side, if your answer is “yes”, this is the real stuff (i.e., the kind that keeps showing up if you don’t address it). This is when the assertive communication strategy I mentioned earlier becomes non-negotiable, and when you might need to escalate to your manager or HR if it continues.
The Six-and-Six Rule is so simple, but it does an incredible amount of work because it separates the daily noise from the actual signal. I’ve used it probably a thousand times, and it has saved me from many career-wrecking emails I almost sent, many regrettable conversations I almost had, and many solid nights of sleep I almost lost.
Allow me to wrap this up, family.
Difficult colleagues are not something you can fully escape by changing jobs, because as mentioned earlier, they exist everywhere. They’ll show up in your next workplace and the one after that, and the sooner this universal truth is accepted, the better.
The good news is that your response to them is fully within your control. You don’t have to absorb these people’s bad behavior, fix them, or even outlast them. You just have to develop the skills to deal with them without letting them rent space in your head, your nervous system, or your peace for longer than necessary.
Simply sort them into the right category, become an assertive communicator, and apply the Six-and-Six Rule before you react. Do these things consistently, and the difficult colleagues in your life will lose most of their power over you.
Sure, you’ll still find them annoying (which is perfectly normal), but you won’t find them devastating.
That’s the goal, and it’s absolutely achievable. You’ve got this, fam. ❤️
Ubuntu,
Shola aka Brother Teresa
It’s free, it’s fast, and most of all, it tells me you value this work and that I should keep writing every week in pursuit of a kinder world. Just scroll down and kindly tap on the “❤️ LIKE” button below!
Are you dealing with (or, have you dealt with) a difficult colleague? If so, which of these strategies could change the way you handle them this week? Drop it in the comments!
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.