Welcome to another issue of The Shit List, the premium newsletter from the writers of Shit Towns of Australia and Shit Holidays. This week we review theme parks, rank the top 10 shittest theme parks and share some fan mail from our write-up on truckers.
Theme parks are fun for the whole family — if your idea of fun is projectile vomiting a torrent of liquified candy floss and hotdogs from the front seat of a rollercoaster, sliding around in other people’s piss at a water park, taking a photo with an undocumented immigrant sweating to death inside a cartoon character costume, or watching a bewildered whale flapping about in a paddling pool.
Most theme park rides started out as mobile deathtraps that allowed carnies to bilk simpletons out of their hard-earned money for the brief pleasure of narrowly being crushed to death in a poorly maintained ferris wheel. Now they are all either multi-million-dollar contraptions designed to violently dislodge your spinal cord, or ‘family rides’ that barely move and have all the excitement of a trip on a local train (minus the substance abuse and public wanking). Based on time spent, the most popular ride at every theme park is ‘queueing for hours in lengthy lines before passing out from heatstroke’.
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