Fat Elvis Made Me the Man I Am Today

I’m not a fan of the black-and-white Elvis from the Ed Sullivan Show. For all the controversy he created at the time, that guy was seriously repressed. Thankfully, he soon transformed from an innocent, God-fearing country boy into a pill-popping bipolar master of gluttony and brought America along for the ride.

I was an Elvis impersonator in Saint Mark’s Episcopal School’s First Annual Talent Show. I was in fifth grade and performed “Heartbreak Hotel,” his first #1 hit. Though the crowd enjoyed the show, I knew I was a sham. I had impersonated the young Elvis because I thought that was what people wanted. But Fat Elvis was who I always idealized.

So when eighth grade came around, I had a shot at redemption. The costume store offered a huge selection of Elvis jumpsuits, and I darted for the most obnoxious of all. It was purple and gold, gaudy but beautiful in its over-the-top way. Unfortunately, I was only 13 and lacked two mandatories for any serious ’70s-era Elvis impersonator: chest hair and a beer belly.

The next day before show time, I rubbed glue on my chest and slapped on a gob of costume hair. I then stuffed a huge pillow into my jumpsuit and instantly gained 40 pounds. While I was waiting backstage, I decided to add one more twist to my show. I had a long white scarf draped around my neck, and I decided to throw it to Rachel from seventh grade when the moment was right.

The curtains opened, I stepped on stage, and the crowd went wild. In the spirit of Fat Elvis, I held nothing back. I had shaken my hips in my performance three years before, but this time the gyrations were taken to another level. The crowd was on its feet with one notable exception. Headmaster Colee sat with his arms crossed in the center of the front row with beady little eyes and a bright red face.

Carried away by the moment and channeling the spirit of my hero, I forgot to throw the scarf to the young lady in the fourth row. The song came to a close, and I stood before 500 parents, students, and faculty. I was an obese, sweaty symbol of ideals abandoned. I was ready for high school.