Day 33: The Trapped Sun Chaser?

And just like that, a month has whizzed on by.

When I initially left my main focus was just trying to recenter myself then I’d go from there. As I’d lived in the UK for a good 24 years, I figured it would be a few months but I’ve found myself far sooner.

I don’t exactly know how to explain what “finding myself” looks like as I can assure you everything is still fucked and chaotic - especially on the work front. But mentally I’ve reconnected with the optimistic calm I recall having for a long time till maybe when my grandmother passed away. I recall having a certain level of confidence based in knowing my parents were there for me in their very unique ways and at least I could show them what I was up to…at least then someone would be proud of me.

Then all of that proceeded to fall apart. Looking back with an eye of scrutiny it truly started affecting me in 2011 and found momentum in 2014, went turbo in 2019 and added a sprinkle of napalm in 2020…even the underbelly of 2021 was laced with cyanide and what even the fuck was 2023 if not a rogue boomerang across the face?!

To quote Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2 -

“High Speed - Low Drag!”

The “Grin and bear it” grind became my norm. I haphazardly leaned into any door light enough to let me in. Sure, it afforded me insane opportunities over time but they were circumstantial to who I was folding into being for the sake of everyone else rather than myself:

Personal Fitness Trainer? - I just like moving and the feeling of accomplishment I get when I lift something I couldn’t weeks or months before. I should tell you the story of the first time I went to the gym and how much I hated it.

Audio Editor? - I’m an instrumentalist and musician with severe PTSD thanks to my 1st Form music teacher at primary school telling me I had to be a starving artist before I’d even remotely be able to make a living from it - in Kenya, I might add…where I saw a dead street kid on the road on the way to school that morning. Yeh - fuck that.

Event Security Manager? - Honestly circumstantial from University where I was a Venue Entertainment Manager (Sound Engineer) and when work setting up the Student Union nightclub was done, I’d hang out by the front door with the door supervisors. Turns out I’m pretty good at talking to people and my constant background in martial arts meant I had no problem helping eject people.

DJ? - OK. You got me. This one? This one is ALL me. 100% self-indulgent. I’ve always loved music (there’s a picture of me buck ass nekkid with my mother’s Sony Walkman being grasped with both my hands and the headphones glued to my ears with a facial expression I can only describe as divine ecstasy and discovery in equal measure. Apparently, I was listening to Prince - Supercalafragalystisexy which is crazy considering he cancelled the 1987 release and yet my mum somehow had it on bootleg. But I digress.

If you want to have your mind exponentially expanded by the luscious layers this song delivers, have a listen!

Prince - Superfunkycalifragisexy

DJing is my caveat to the “starving artist” problem with embracing my musicality as a musician. I pursued it quite aggressively, and for the most part, I’ve always been paid to play from the start. Again, a story for another day. All this to say that of all the things I do that “pay” - DJing gives me the most joy.

Yes, I know - So pursue it professionally? I did, I started getting flown out across Europe to do private launch party events and fashion week after parties…then I freaked out because I was falling into “starving artist” territory even though I was being paid, flown out, put in 4* hotels and had my own chauffeur. Fear of success is a thing, you know.

Anyway - I’m in a super quiet hostel on the east coast of Tenerife. I’ve been here for coming up to two weeks now and I’ll likely extend it for another week as my next locations likely won’t allow for this level of quiet, and peace of mind whilst I try to get some kind of income rolling in. It has all the charm of an 80’s college fraternity house turned summer camp accommodation. Dodgy shower rooms included.

This is exactly what going to boarding school from the age of 12 prepared me for…that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I’ve got a top bunk in a women-only room and even when it was a full 6 people it wasn’t too bad. Sure there was a snorer and people who didn’t know how. to get into and out of their bunks, but they weren’t rip-roaringly drunk or fucked up in any way and that’s all I ask for (and at least knowing I don’t have to worry about my shit getting stolen.

Work-wise I’m my own worst enemy. I’d much rather chew on a wasp nest than show up online in any kind of premeditated style that the almighty “algorithm” likes, as a result, my bank account is staring at me HARD as are those hippy-looking mountains in the distance.

This is where that calm comes in by the way. I am stressed out for sure, but not in a crippling way. More in a: “OK this is bad but I can’t force myself to do shit I’ve done before and literally doesn’t work for me for whatever reason. What else is there? Let’s look into things I like doing and lean into that”

Active door leaning rather than haphazardly falling into cracked open doors. I think that’s the concept I’m leaning into.

Also - Yes. I’m missing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training like crazy.

I absolutely want to go back to Adeje so I can train with Judith and Asta and the guys at Surfightclub, but all accommodation over there has doubled as the pensioners exodus the UK for this delightful warmth.

I’ve got a rough plan for Gran Canaria even after looking at the nightmare reviews of hostels, but that won’t happen until I know I can financially cover at least 2 weeks of existing. Then we move.

This is the chaos you’re here for, no?