I’ll Be Your Mirror, Your Flamethrower, Your Cup of Ayahuasca

In college, my best friend was almost 20 years older than me. We worked at a bookstore together and I decided we needed to be friends. She obliged because we actually had a lot in common. She was uncommonly kind and patient with me even though I was so annoying. She would occasionally tell me that I was a little prickly, a tough nut to crack. I didn’t care. I was in my early twenties and thought I knew everything.

I went through an unfortunate period in my life where I’d get a little tipsy and say, “You know what your problem is?” I would proceed to tell them, whether or not they were interested.

Years later, my mom told me that my grandma, her mom, Lucy, and I left a patch of scorched earth or charred flesh everywhere we went. I remember being speechless when she said it because really, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? She wasn’t upset when she said it. She just said it as matter of factly as “the sky is blue.” I told the one friend who’d both met my mom and fully saw me — ugly bits included. Her response? “Could she be any more dramatic? What the hell does that mean?”

I hadn’t thought about it in years though. I was going through old notes in my notes app and one read “Your love is like a flamethrower.” I remembered exactly who said it and why. I wrote it down because I never wanted to forget. I had been advocating for someone I cared for deeply in a crisis situation and a lot of people saw a side of me they hadn’t before. The person who said it and I are no longer friends - because months after the flamethrower remark, I reminded them that some choices they were making didn’t reflect the human they had indicated they wanted to be to me.

It’s been awhile but I’ve had friends call me self righteous. I’ve also had friends tell me I tend to lecture, that they feel judged. And again, its been awhile but I’ve had a few conflicts with friends that were unable to be repaired. I’ve worked hard to repair situations with others and have.

I am now very aware of when I’m heading down a path with a friend that we may not be able to come back from. I think about my relationship to the person. I think about whether they will understand that I am coming from a place of love, coming from a place where I know they would want to do better than they are, that if I am judging them, its by their standards. I wonder if they know I want them to do the same for me. I consider if I have the bandwidth to deliver this message tenderly, with every ounce of kindness I can muster so that they don’t feel like I’ve dropped a flaming pile of shit in their lap. I think about the James Baldwin quote, “If I love you, I have to make you see the things you do not see,” and ultimately, “The longer I live, the more deeply I learn that love — whether we call it friendship or family or romance — is the work of mirroring and magnifying each other's light."

I recently had a conflict with a dear friend. She told me not to judge her. I wasn’t. I hadn’t actually said anything except that I hadn’t judged her but maybe she was projecting. We both tender spots on the other but we talked it all out and realized we’ve both come a long way. She later posted a tweet to her stories that read “Maybe you’re not someone’s cup of tea because you’re ayahuasca. To be with you they need to confront themselves and they’re not ready for that.” “Oh,” I replied. She laughed.

I don’t know if that’s it exactly. I do know that I take the idea of mirroring one another’s light very seriously. A partner once told me the clarity with which I saw them with was disconcerting, mortifying ordeal and all that. I do know that it’s more information, something else for me to think about. Ayahuasca can do damage if you’re not prepared and I don’t want to do damage. I’ve done enough.