On Approach

2018.08.13. So, this happened in the whee hours of the morning.

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I’m having a Nirvana moment where just like I feel radiant. I can’t stop smiling, and it’s just everything I think about just makes me smile. Seeing [the ex], even with [Daughter0] and [Daughter1] makes me smile. I’m just... Uh, I just don’t want this feeling to stop. And even that makes me smile.

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I, I’m just keep grinning and smiling ‘cause no one can do anything to me as bad as what I did to myself. And it’s just funny because I’ve already done it. And that takes away anyone’s power to hurt me. [sniffs] It either is or isn’t, will or won’t. Everything else, it’s, it’s noise. [sniffs] [laughs]

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And now I’m laughing because I was just thinking about how Grandma always thought I would be a priest or something [laughs], which I just find funny because I’m not a priest, but I think I certainly could be [laughs]. And I just keep smiling more and more.

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My heart is indeed full [chuckles] and just brimming over.

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And now I’m seriously nuts and cracking myself up because I’m saying I’m thinking that I want to meet the Dalai Lama and look in his eyes and see if I see that spark reflected back at me. See? I’m insane.

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You know what it is? I’m not, I’m not absorbing anyone’s negative energy. It’s just I’m Teflon. It’s not coming on. And it is extremely liberating. Again, still really, really happy and nuts.

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My head feels quiet even though I’m talking to myself nonstop. Every thought is singular. I still have tinnitus. The universe is still ringing in my ears. And I can focus. And I can withdraw my focus and take a broader view. Good Lord.

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And if I am insane, uh, please don’t try to heal me because I like it here. I’m just kidding. Oh my. [laughs] Hopefully I’ll be wi-- able to wipe this grin off my face at some point.

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I’m not responsible, and it’s liberating in a good way. I’m not accepting responsibility for everything being wrong. I can see exactly the times when I intentionally did wrong. Any other time, I’ve never, ever meant anyone harm. But I don’t feel guilty. It’s just what happened. And now I’m where I am, which is Looneyville. [sniffs] Yeah.

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And interestingly, my pulse is just hanging out at 80, which is very odd because over the last few days or weeks, I’ve established that my resting heart rate is like fifty-eight and my sleeping heart rate is fifty-three [chuckles]. So why it should be at eighty when I’m just laying here [sighs] is, I don’t know. Maybe I’m having an aneurysm [chuckles]. And if so, it’s okay. In case I decide to let go, it’s okay. I’m not going to let go. But I could or I couldn’t. It’s just binary, which is so much simpler.

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It really is just that it really doesn’t fucking matter. Anything, any of it, unless I decide that it matters. So the only one that can harm me is me, and I’m not harming me anymore. I’m done. I’m free. [sniffs] I am so happy. [laughs] Oh. I feel insane and I’m loving it, every moment. [laughs]

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I think that’s my mantra, is that I’m the only one that can get in my way. Other than that, it doesn’t matter. I mean, obviously, don’t be a dick to people [chuckles] because why make their lives difficult? You’re not respon-- I’m not responsible for them, so it doesn’t matter to me. It’s very odd. Good Lord. All right, I’m gonna try to rest for a little while.

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I guess the point is I have absolutely no right to intentionally inflict harm on anyone or anything, or at least on anything that can give permission. And so the antithesis of that is that no one can do anything to me without my permission. That’s it. That’s where I end, and the rest of the world goes on. You can come in my space, doesn’t matter. Still not getting in unless I say you can get in. I’m sorry. I am nuts. [laughs]

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Every moment right now, and I don’t know, hopefully forever, I’m just an observer. It-- something will or won’t happen. I want one thing to happen, but again, it either will or it won’t. One- once I put it out there that I want something, the universe either will or won’t give it to me. And so when I say, “What matters to me is that I can’t let people hurt me anymore,” I can do that because I, I’ve decided that. It’s done. If I need it, the universe will give it to me. Whatever I don’t have, I don’t need. And there are just certain people right now that I’d really like to be around [chuckles] because my heart is literally bursting. I feel like I understand Sharon and Michael now, that they could not stop smiling and giggling, and they had a secret. And that’s the secret, there are no secrets. You just have to genuinely ask. I don’t know why I made it so hard on myself, because that’s the only person that did it was me. No one can do anything to me without my permission. But they can, and it doesn’t matter because it either will or won’t happen. [chuckles] And I know I’m going in circles, but it is a circle because a circle doesn’t start, it doesn’t end. It just is or it isn’t. I feel like a broken record, but I, I, I don’t know what other words to use. [sighs] Man. I don’t know what I’d feel like if this went away. [chuckles] And I’m kind of interested to see what it would feel like if this went away. I’m, I’m not going to let it go away [chuckles] ‘cause I’m not that interested in it, ‘cause I know the hell that I did to myself already. Jesus Christ, it’s so simple. It’s like the most genius thing ever because it is literally so simple. It either does or it doesn’t. In every moment, every moment, every moment, every moment, it happens or it doesn’t. I’m not invested anymore. I’m not the actor. I’m not the participant. I’m the observer, and it is all subjective. And it’s a damn good thing it is all subjective, because if it were objective, it would mean that I was actually being hurt. And I mean, I am hurt because I hurt myself, but I did this to my body. I allowed it to happen. I am responsible for me. And realizing that, I can fix me. Again, everything else is just noise until I let it in. Well, I mean, it’s not noise anymore. It’s quiet. I can block the noise out. I can let it in. I can turn it on. I can turn it off. And it’s not The Matrix, but it’s weird. Nothing fucking matters. It’s just good. And even the bad is good [chuckles] because it doesn’t matter. It either happens or it doesn’t happen. That’s it. And again, I know what I want to happen, [chuckles] but if it doesn’t happen, then you know what? It didn’t happen. And you go on, and you go on, and you go on. And every decision you make, every instant-You know what you want. But if the universe doesn’t give it to you, you didn’t need it. Because the only stuff I need, the universe gives me. That’s it. It’s just that simple. It’s like the guy with the fiberglass. What’s the easiest way to take fiberglass out of your arm? And people say soak it and, uh, rub salve on it and do this and do that. And I finally read the greatest, easiest method of removing fiberglass from your arm. Obviously, don’t get it in your arm. But barring that, the easiest way is to take tape, put it on your arm, let it set, and the, the, the fricking pieces of fiberglass stick to the tape. And you lift up the tape, and the fiberglass comes out of your arm. And it’s just genius because it’s so simple. The universe is so simple. It is magic. I am right. And even if I’m wrong, it doesn’t fucking matter. I don’t care. It’s not something I’m invested in. I don’t care if I’m actually here or not. I wanna be here. But if I wasn’t, I’d just be somewhere else. I put myself here. No one else did anything that I did not allow them to do to me. I either allowed them or I didn’t. And it works in every instance, even if it’s a triangle or some other polygon or flat land. [laughs] Because I am wherever I wanna be, I’m going to feel however I wanna feel. And I’m done feeling bad. It just-- I decide not to feel bad. It’s that simple. It isn’t, but it is. [laughs] Because I’ve decided that it is. And so that’s my reality. And so any time I have hurt, I have anger, I have fear, it’s because I’ve allowed it to manifest in me. Because truly, at the end of the day, it doesn’t fucking matter. We’re here to try things. We’re here to experience things. We’re here to have a party, [laughs] like it’s nineteen ninety-nine, only it’s taken a while for me to realize it and get up to speed with the rest of the world. [laughs] At least that’s how I feel, is that I’m, I’m just normal now. And to me, that feels special, to not be an outcast who had a problem, who had an issue. It’s just, I’m just me. That’s it. And that’s enough. And I’m choked up, and I’m crying because I’m so happy. [laughs] Oh, everything’s gonna be okay. I know it. And even if it isn’t, that’s okay because that teaches me, too, and it makes me stronger. When it works, it makes me stronger. When it doesn’t work, it makes me stronger because I gain the experience and then the knowledge. If I need a fact, I know it. Otherwise, I d- I don’t retain it. Doesn’t matter to me. Doesn’t fucking matter. I could not be bothered. [laughs] I just wanna know what I wanna know. So anything I want to learn is open to me. Anything I want to do, anywhere I want to go, anything I want to be. And I don’t wanna be a fucking lawyer. [laughs] And I’m just full of joy and laughing. I’ve done it. I’ve gone and... What? Eaten a bit of crazy pie. [laughs] And again, heart rate seventy-nine. And I can feel my voice going up and down and my heart getting excited and radiating and growing and contracting and just pulsing. Well, it’s just hanging out around eighty. Doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t. Don’t care. Unless I want to, I don’t care. That’s it. [laughs]

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You know what it is, and I’m still awake. It’s, it’s, it’s just so elegant and simple. And I can’t stop saying it. And even if I stop saying it, it won’t matter. That’s it. Every experience, every action, every interaction, on some level I’ve allowed it. And when I accept total, complete, utter responsibility for myself, there’s no room for me to take responsibility for anyone else. That’s it. I can’t. The only one I can be responsible for is me. Other than that, I really don’t have the energy. I need, I require, in order to exist, to take care of me. And if I’m not healthy, I’m not doing my job. And my job is to experience life. And that’s it, just to see what happens. It’s just a journey. Every step, it either will or won’t happen. Again, I know what I’d like to happen. But since I’m not responsible for making it happen, it doesn’t matter. It’s completely out of my control. Gone. Zero negative energy. Unless I allow it. That’s it. That’s it. And if it happens, it happens because I allowed it. And it just doesn’t matter. It’s fucking brilliant. I just decide it doesn’t matter. That’s it. It’s not my weight anymore. It’s not anyone’s weight. I’m not giving it to anyone. I’m just not accepting it. Whoever has it, I feel bad for them. Because that weight is just Oh my God, it’s horrendous. But it doesn’t matter. That’s it. It just doesn’t. Because I choose that it doesn’t matter anymore. It can’t hurt me. Unless I allow it. Anything that happens. Doesn’t matter. Some weird teched out warrior from the future come back and smash through the wall and rip me to shreds. Doesn’t matter. Anything can happen. Literally anything can happen. Because it just doesn’t matter. Then it, since it doesn’t matter what happens, I can just see what happens. It’s brilliant. I love it. Doesn’t matter. I think I should probably get some rest though. So I’m going to try this again after I take a sip of water. Wish me luck.

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So I guess [Tom] really was a teacher because, I mean, he understood that it didn’t matter. He just did what he wanted. Didn’t care. Unless he allowed it. Um, on the one hand, I think I’m different because I know that he hurt people. I don’t think he did it intentionally. I mean, whether he did it intentionally or not, it doesn’t matter. It happened. Or it didn’t. It doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t. So thank you, [Tom]. I’ll either get a Jeep or I won’t. I had a Jeep. I don’t need another Jeep. I had one. It doesn’t matter. Just what am I going to do next? Anything I want. Even if I want to do nothing. Because it doesn’t matter. All right. Going to take a nap.

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