Wrestling in the Dark

I am thrilled that you stopped by Serenity in Suffering! I hope you’ll stay awhile and find refreshment for your weary heart. My vision moved me to create a place where anyone could find Peace and Purpose in the Storms of life; a safe place to rest, find hope, encouragement, inspiration, and tools for personal growth in times of trial.

Winter for me often feels like wrestling in the dark. Shorter days, longer nights, dreary weather, all conspire to steal my vitality. Though recent years have brought growth in my mindset towards this lonely season, I still struggle with the harsh reality of little sunlight and bone chilling temperatures.

With the seasonal challenges to my mental health, this year also finds me in the midst of a bleak wilderness season filled with relational issues, major health crises for my husband, and a bout of depression as I continue working with my personal therapist.

God chose about a year ago to position me in a wilderness which much of the time feels more akin to isolation. My job of 14 years came to an unexpected end, as did our long-standing church affiliation and friendships dwindled. My community shrank to a small cadre of long-distance relationships and occasional meet ups.

Like most of us in North America this time of year yearning for spring’s bright arrival, I keep a relentless vigil for the path leading out of the wilderness.

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Reading in Genesis 32:24-32, the story of Jacob wrestling with a “man” who comes to him in the night, a few remarkable insights came to me.

This incident happened as Jacob made his way back to his home in Haran, after fleeing from Laban. Jacob knew he would encounter Esau and feared the confrontation. He sent messengers and a gift to appease him, while sending his wives and children, as well as all his possessions on ahead in case the meeting proved tense.

Remaining alone at night, he prayed for God’s help, after which a man wrestled with him all night. Though some translations mention his opponent was an angel, we know he wrestled with God.

So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

Genesis 32:24-26-NIV

What astonishes me in this account is that Jacob wrestled until daybreak and the man was unable to overcome him. Jacob had more strength than he knew to face the trials of his life, encountering God in the solitude of the dark wilderness revealed this truth.

Jacob wrestled alone, at night, in the wilderness…with God.

And he found there a place of transformation and blessing. The anguish of that night changed his life forever, evidenced outwardly by his limp, but inwardly by his increased trust and knowledge of God.

The story brought clarity to the many times I wrestled alone in the dark wilderness with God. All the sleepless nights, and early anguished mornings spent struggling for answers, for hope and a way forward.

Though uncertain of my wilderness journey’s end being in sight, I know God met me in those moments in the wrestling and changed me there.

I am reminded of Henri Nouwen's words when he wrote about the Desert Fathers and Mothers. He noted that solitude is “the place of conversion, the place where the old self dies and the new self is born.”

Jacob found hope and confidence for moving forward into the destiny God had promised him. And while my story continues to unfold even in the wilderness, I find hope and joy in ordinary places and simple pleasures.

Let me invite you into a few of my favorite things infusing my life with hope and joy right now which also led to a remarkable discovery.