What your Rich B*tch Bracelet says about you

Worthy of our attention this week: Ice ice baby. In the jewelry universe, no sliver of skin boasts as much lore per square cm as the wrist. Earrings frame the face, the necklace adorns the neckline, the ring seals the deal. The bracelet, however, offers no such retreat. The medium is the message; the stack is the attack. Every gesture is a campaign: punctating a point, summoning the check, saluting a toast. It glints. It clinks. Never still, always making its case. After all, where else are we supposed to wear our hearts but on under our sleeves?

So it’s no surprise, then, that the #1 most-knocked-off piece of jewelry in the world is a (love) bracelet. In fact, the fakes got so good that Cartier had to halt its own authentication processes for fear of false negatives. Baudrillard would've had a field day…

There’s a scene in season 2 of Your Friends and Neighbors that says it all. When Elena, a housekeeper to Westmont’s well-heeled, is offered a love bracelet of her own, she grimaces and dismisses it as being “very basic rich bitch.” If that doesn’t sum it up.

So, as homage to Elena, the duster of Westmont mansions, here are 10 rich b*tch bracelets and what they say about their owners…

1. Cartier Love Bracelet ($7,950)…ah, the designer (golden) handcuffs that have everyone willingly cuffed. If you have one love bracelet, it’s probably real but you pay the price of unoriginality. If you have more than one, it’s giving AliExpress. You explain to TSA, again, that no, it does not come off without a screwdriver. And yes, you’ve tried. This surely can’t be your first rodeo cmon. Meanwhile, Cartier stopped authenticating these in 2023, signaling the house can no longer reliably tell its own children apart, and the only thing your bracelet certifies at this point is that you wanted one.