Silicon Valley Lotharios

There are many amusing stereotypical personalities in Silly Con valley. Steve Sailer coined the phrase “Silicon Valley Adventuress“ for the very obvious type of women who try various kinds of shakedowns on tech firms and their executives. There’s the more obvious “Divorce Tick” kind of woman; someone who marries a clueless but rich nerdoid and relieves him of his extra wealth. These are often hilarious to watch at work, even when it’s pointed at you: the divorce ticks often talk these nerds into open relationships. Dude always thinks it means hot threesomes with her friends; generally the way that works out she gets sex whenever she wants from the pool boy or whatever, and he gets bupkiss because he’s a ridiculous nerd with a hot wife who cheats on him. Divorce happens with mathematical certainty when she’s maximized her profits. The free market and regulatory capture can be an awesome thing to watch at work. It’s a shame nobody has written a novel on the sorts of people who populate the place: it’s filled with all manner of amusing characters. I’ve written about the blonde grifter and insecure Indian guy with a sports car before: you’ll literally meet dozens of those if you spend any time there. There needs to be a Flaubert of Silicon Valley Divorce Ticks and Adventuresses and grouchy Harpeet with Becky in the Porsche. The TV show by Mike Judge captures the vibe and some of the superficial personalities, but it’s only skin deep: the actual place, like anything made of actual people is much more weird.

One of the varieties of Silicon Valley character is the post-money Lothario. While people have written about the Adventuresses and to a lesser extent, Divorce Ticks, nobody to my knowledge has written about the post-money Lothario. He should be considered as delicately amusing, as he’s generally even more of a boob than the garden variety sociopaths and their victims mentioned above.

Nerds are as sexually ambitious as anyone else. Nerds suck at being charismatic though; otherwise they’d get jobs talking people out of their money instead of actually trying to create value by doing tedious engineering work. At some point, usually around middle age, the successful ones end up making enough money to be competitive with chads. Some of them get married and live happily ever after. Some of them get married and some divorce tick removes half of their money, and they live less happily ever after. Others decide to become womanizers in their middle age. This isn’t a new phenomenon; it’s as old as time. It’s at least as old as the 1500s where Cranach the elder was making hilarious paintings of the phenomenon.

Beyond the fact that this sort of thing is ridiculous, I don’t have anything against it. Young women have to make their way in the world, and old nerds need love too (feel free to send digits, ladies).

What boggles my mind is one of two situations. One is the situation in which the man makes the woman his protege. This is ridiculous because sucking an old guy’s crusty dick is not actually good training for entrepreneurial work, no matter how smart and helpful the old dude is. Sure you can get him to invest in your startup: you still have to make it work by yourself, and if you’re the type of person to suck a dick for a venture investment, you’re probably no good at actually executing a profitable business. Women who do this are highly unlikely to actually act the role of the protege or Ganymede or whatever. Your average women being what they are, probably thinks her benefactor is ridiculous and a fool. He actually is, though he’s probably giving her decent advice, and she should probably listen. Men involved in this sort of relationship may be hard headed captains of industry, but when the blood flows to their nether regions, they go soft about the cerebral cortex and don’t realize the girl is probably just an ambitious sperm spittoon.

This is an annoying phenomenon for actually productive people as many startups, mid-trajectory ventures and most of all, old companies often have to deal with the fallout. It really, really sucks when you end up with some kind of lame prostitute as your boss in your management chain. I’ve never experienced this, as it’s rare I work for anybody who isn’t me, but you can see it when it happens. Anyone who has worked in such a firm has encountered this whether they realize it or not. It even happened at the national labs. Some of these “couples” go beyond this and the women attempt to start their own companies. Most famous example of this is, of course, Eric Schmidt. I feel bad picking on him as he’s a friend of several of my friends, but it’s not like nobody knows about it. That’s what you get for making too much money; plenty of other retards have behaved in this way but aren’t as rich and famous and subject to scrutiny, he will have to suffice for visual aid. Such investments are inevitably disastrous of course. Maybe it doesn’t matter if they can afford it, but I think it ends up bothering them, because these fools for love think they were doing a good deed, rather than overpaying a prostitute.

The other annoying one is the full on playboy nerd. Schmidt kind of did this too, or at least was fairly active in his romantic adventures in the past. To be clear I’m not picking on him, Larry Ellison was even more notorious for it (generally speaking, Larry is the only interesting silicon valley member of club billionaire: no h8 -also thanks in advance for fixing Star Trek muh nig nog), though since Larry is adept at buying media organizations, people don’t talk about it as much in the funny papers. Anyway both these guys have cut a wide and not entirely disreputable swathe through local adventuress vaginas. That’s just nature, naturing, life in balance. It’s the dudes who go all grody on it. I had a series of booty calls while I was still in grad school to these very fancy loft apartments. Apparently the girls I was smashing had the keys to these places from Silicon Valley Lotharios, and were part of their harems. As a poor grad student I was all in favor of free hookers who thought I was more interesting than the guy with the fancy house, and appreciated their hospitality, high thread count sheets and fine taste in alcoholic beverages. The stories I heard was that these dudes were off porking prostitutes, so it was OK to drink his booze and pork his allegedly not-prostitute (according to them) women in his house. Later on, I (more or less) aged out of being That Guy, and ended up knowing similar characters whose lives and fortunes were dedicated to playing space invaders with different kinds of women, pretty much as avocation, hobby and meaning of life. You ever meet a 50 year old who is really into coke or weed or mushrooms or whatever? Kind of pathetic, right? Same difference; hoes are also a vice.

I guess I was lucky in some ways, in that I always did reasonably well with ladies. Even went through a chad phase where I was avidly pursued, due to absurdly modest local fame, requiring little effort on my part. Despite my advanced state of disintegration into my constituent elementary particles, I still occasionally get the hairy eyeball from comely and fertile ones. As such, these sorts of degenerate “bro I had a threesome with a blue haired asian and a redhead” antics aren’t impressive to me at all, or my idea of the good life. It’s just lame shit I did before I could afford more interesting hobbies, like telescopes or having machine tools in my spare bedroom. Doing such things at my age, which a lot of these guys continue to do, seems downright tedious. It’s just not a good use of my time, and I’m not as wealthy or accomplished as a lot of these assholes, so from a time value of money point of view I don’t know WTF they are thinking. I don’t know how they can do it, in the same sense I don’t know how a heroin junkie can stick the spike in their arm as their meaning for life.

Look we all love the poosy, it’s great. Women fucking you because you’re a rich asshole is not the same thing as young love, or being popular because you’re an actual charismatic chad rather than some chode who gets in the newspaper for being awfully rich. Being a balding, flabby dot com deci-to-centi millionaire who spends most of his time arranging threesomes with Stanford educated sl00ts you met on a website for “arrangements” is just lame shit. Join the liftwaffe, lift weights, become freeking hyooge, learn ancient greek, become a great martial artist, start right wing death squads: you’ll probably have a better romantic life than buying stanford educated prostitutes, or spending half your time managing your polycule. End sermon; I know you faggots won’t change, and I won’t stop making fun of you.

If you want to live some kind of baller lifestyle that nobody will fault you for, look to mafiosos or wealthy Russians for your model of the good life. Having a “goomah” who was a gymnast or ballerina or something is based. Porking a bunch of money grubbing sluts who are too lazy to be a good wife or goomah to a rich guy or whatever is just lame.

Related: marriage advice from the likes of me (never married, therefore winning at life) on Man’s World.