Everyday Covert Narcissism

I’m not a psychiatrist, so what you’re about to read isn’t about diagnosing Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have, however, been a personal coach for over 19 years, which means I’ve learned how to recognize certain states of mind and conduct my practice accordingly.

As such, you might find the following rant more relatable and perhaps even more refreshing than the typical garden variety whitepaper lifted from the DSM. That’s my goal in writing it.

“Narcissism” has basically become a household word these days. This happened fairly quickly. Consider how about a dozen years ago nobody had even heard the term “gaslighting” before.

Following suit, I’ve found myself researching the subject quite a lot lately.

As it turns out, studies demonstrate that narcissism has a genetic component. I discovered such studies right around the same time I had been learning about familial “scapegoating” in greater detail than I ever had. Voila, one thing led to another and I found myself revisiting the topic of "covert narcissism".

Covert narcissism is also sometimes known as "vulnerable narcissism". The gist is that unlike more, well, overt narcissism, someone so affected doesn't demonstrate the stereotypical narcissistic traits of arrogance, apparent lack of regard for anyone else's needs and/or Machiavellian tendencies.

Instead of coming off as having a superiority complex, their manipulative weapon of choice is the opposite: an apparent inferiority complex.

But don't be fooled, a narcissist of any sub-category is all about themselves. And wow, it can be sneaky to detect at first because of how diametrically opposite it is to blatant Veruca Saltesque selfishness.

As perverse as this all sounds (and it is), I encounter more people who fit the covert narcissism pattern nowadays than ever before lately.

So how do folks end up turning out this way? Well, check it out this train of thought. First, knowing that narcissism has genetic roots, it stands to reason that and that narcissists in the family are inflicting their craft upon other narcissists in their family. Second, given how narcissists in families are known to scapegoat one or a select few family members as "black sheep", such a pattern of unfair offloading of blame is quite possibly onto other genetic narcissists. Third, given the pattern of being scapegoated and/or otherwise subject to abusive behavior by overt narcissists, it stands to reason that the genetically narcissistic victims of such abuse would literally revel in the ramifications of their negative familial experiences to the point of selfish obsession.

Basically, it's wholly possible--if not probable--that the number of covert narcissists might approach the number of overt ones.

Yeah, you've encountered them yourself, haven't you? Maybe (like me) you're a decent enough person to have actually fallen for it a time or three. Your first thought might be of so-called "energy vampire" types. You know, they're the ones who happily take all of your time exhausting you with their problems and drama. While that would be an astute and valid observation, the signs go way above and beyond that.

First off, a covert narcissist's overall vibe is typically such a bummer it would make both Schleprock and Eeyore jealous. In fact, they often carry a similar "beaten down" tone to their voice. You might recognize it as that "homeless" aura, right? "I got hurt real, real bad man. God bless you if you can just help me out this one time, even if it's just a little."

Next, covert narcissists are all about reminding you of their victimhood. They'll go out of their way to explain in detail how nothing is their fault. Way back when I used to work with teens, one "energy vampire" type explained how he had been cursed by some witch doctor or something: "Your name is Daemon, and everyone you love will die." How am I supposed to argue with that?

Covert narcissists will also appeal to your sense of sympathy with needy requests, often combined with thanks in advance. The envelope will likely get pushed as you continue to oblige them. It starts off with simple, annoying "homeless mentality". "Man...can I borrow your car for the afternoon? Mine is broken down and I gotta be somewhere or else." Before you know it, the requests are more like, "Hey, my ride got repossessed. Can you lend me $14,507?"

That inevitably brings up the next sign of a covert narcissist: guilt trips when you set even the most reasonable boundaries. In the aforementioned repo example, pushing back against such a breathtaking request might be met with, "Wow. I thought you were my friend. I even cooked dinner for you last week."

I'll sometimes encounter ever-so-slightly more subtle examples of this phenomenon in my coaching practice. Back when I was still more of a "Mr. Nice Guy" coach than I was willing to admit, I found myself actually feeling bad about setting preposterously obvious boundaries like, "Look man, as your coach this is a professional relationship. When you text me at 1:15am on a Sunday morning it's kind of unreasonable to expect a response in under five minutes, or else it's, 'Look, I understand if you don't think I'm worth answering anymore. I thought you believed in me.'"

The last bit deserves its own mention. Indeed, whenever covert narcissists ask for help, if the response involves any semblance of "tough love", expect passive-aggressive pushback. "Look, if you think I'm completely worthless, you can just leave me alone and I won't bother you anymore." And of course, most decent people who aren't maniacs would never capitulate to such a request that would make them appear heartless. But even if you did--and reasonably so, I might add--make no mistake: they'll keep bothering you.

Covert narcissists will swear they won't bring up and drone on about a negative recurring theme and/or abusive family member anymore, apologize profusely, then keep doing it.

They'll ask for help, coaching, advice, or even mentorship. Then they'll do the exact opposite that is recommended, typically with the result of exacerbating the pattern of bad results. Then, of course, they'll hit you with, "Why aren't you helping me?"

Then there's what's arguably the most insanely irritating covert narcissistic sign of all: committing histrionic stunts that demand your attention. Another time when I was working with kids long ago, we were at a wilderness camp in the Adirondacks when one openly proclaimed, "I don't belong here...I have to GO so you aren't bothered with me anymore." He then left camp wandering alone into the nighttime wilderness. There's no way that kid wouldn't have succeeded at getting all of our attention. It turns out the kid was 18 and we couldn't legally detain him from leaving. Right or wrong, the Sheriff's department said it could have landed us a "kidnapping" charge, ironically enough. Kudos to the kid. He was all we thought about until he turned up safe somewhere a couple of days later.

Given even the relatively few traits I've mentioned, it stands to reason that covert narcissists would be super ticked off about their upbringing and want to re-litigate it whenever they can to whomever will listen. But what really drives me nuts is when overt and convert narcissists continue to perpetuate the cycle under the same roof for years, or even decades.

Indeed, you have narcissist mommies who selfishly want to keep their little boys at home well into their adulthood. Then you have narcissist little boys who stay at home with their mommies well into adulthood, feeling victimized by it...but unwilling to do anything about it either other than complain and keep getting their bills paid, their beds made and their Cheetos for free.

Then, these guys come to me asking me to help them "make women go out with them". You can imagine how they push back when I tell them what the problem is.

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