A publicist recently pitched me a potential podcast guest. Other than how accidentally alliterative that last sentence was, that’s not unusual. But the pitch itself most certainly was.
A female clinical psychologist wanted on my show to inform us as men why we deserve to be lonely.
She wasn’t simply about rehashing the “loneliness epidemic”, mind you. As unserious as it sounds, she hoped to lecture us all on why we as men are so awful that we brought being alone upon ourselves. For good measure, the publicist was quick to point out “it’s not women’s job to fix men”, although there was a hint her client would have a few words on how to “do better” anyway.
And how did she arrive at her conclusion that the entire male gender needs a PSA like this? Well, of course, she cited a reality TV show where all the men are either mama’s boys or d-bags.
I struggled to show enough maturity not to respond, but wisdom thankfully prevailed. Nevertheless, I got a follow-up message a few days later wondering how I could possibly not want to publish a show like this with a guest like that.
Having worked with good, decent men for over 20 years now, helping “pile on” where we happen to be struggling would be off-brand. I’m not here for Gillette commercial vibes.
But meanwhile, men are lonely, and the struggle is real. Nevertheless, a “clinical psychologist” ought to know shaming and lecturing isn’t only a tone-deaf approach, it’s not going to solve anything.
The quest to be a better man who gets better women calls for practical steps to succeed where too many other men will continue to find themselves alone.
For sure, both men and women have their own respective set of image problems nowadays, most of which are unfortunately leveraged on social media by irate MOTOS (Members Of The Other Sex).
So for sure, there’s plenty of noise out there about how and why we all deserve to be alone, and possibly should even prefer it that way.
We don’t have to buy into that buzzkill as a default setting. We can fight back.
Realistically speaking, it makes no sense to blindly accept responsibility for sucking, regardless of whether or not it’s really fallout from other men sucking. I mean, if we need to be accountable on a few fronts, so be it. But it’s better to avoid getting ensnared by trap of whatever causes other poor bastards to “deserve” loneliness to begin with.
The difference there between committing to excellence vs. accepting the need to somehow dig out of a hole we aren’t actually in is profound. Conceptually, it rhymes with improving your game when you’re at the top of it. It’s a combination of discipline, motivation to deserve what we want, and the clarity to recognize the need for our efforts to begin with.
Want to “do better” than some guy who was perfectly cast as a reality-show stooge? I’ll save you more of the mainstream gaslighting routine. Indeed, here are ten badass mindsets you can use today to rise above the noise, be the “big four” man women love, and finally trade the “pandemic of loneliness” for a social calendar full of interesting women:
1) Dress For Respect
Occasionally, someone brave will blurt out in public how cool it would be if people dressed as if they actually respect themselves. The airline passenger in pajamas has become a metaphor for the entire current zeitgeist.
I realize a frumpy chick in sweats at the grocery store can catch your eye. If she’s hot, she’s hot. But for women, attraction really does work differently. Your attire and grooming are direct indicators of your ability to lead, have a plan, and affect excellence. In short, masculine providers and protectors aren’t slobs.
If you find that premise off-putting, I get it. But consider how it also fully exonerates us for not having won the “genetic lottery”. Glass half-full.
2) Understand And Practice Critical Thinking
It happened over time. But the proverbial frog has been boiled.
Regardless of how we got here, we exist in a world where even Ivy League institutions expect us to believe and do as we’re told. Kids are now given what to think instead of taught how to think. The sources of such directives don’t always have benevolent motives. It’s typically about power and money.
With the rise of Secular Humanism, the void left in many souls has been filled by politics. The party line has become so dogmatic that any deviation from it is perceived as a threat. With such intolerance for dissent, free speech is stifled at best, but flat-out cognitive dissonance seems inevitable.
This general phenomenon is fueled by a barrage of carefully worded headlines on thinly-veiled partisan outlets, with explanatory content protected behind paywalls.
Behold…the intended thought control is out there in broad daylight.
The byproduct is most people nowadays think “critical thinking” is about criticizing everything.
The simple, but perhaps not so easy solution here is to stop desperately wanting to believe what “our side” says. Get news from opposing outlets and hold all of it up to the light. If you don’t have time to research an issue, it’s actually okay to free yourself from having an under-informed opinion on it.
Instead, read up on logical fallacies and feel the jaw-dropping realization of how the Dunning-Kruger effect drives most social policy nowadays.
See all sides instead of being one-dimensional. Consider someone who disagrees with you as not necessarily “The Enemy”, but rather, um...someone who simply has a different point of view.
3) Recognize Gray Areas In Life
This follows logically (go figure) from the point above. In a world where everything seems guided by political dogmatism, just about any premise thereby becomes either 100% correct or 100% wrong. The all-or-nothing fallacy is simultaneously one of the most basic and also one of the most prevalent of all logical fallacies these days. It deserves its own distinct bullet point.
Several years ago I severely disrupted a Facebook argument between partisan purists by simply stating, “You know, both presidents can theoretically be incompetent jerks.”
Not only is an overly simplistic black/white thought process usually categorically invalid, it also is a strong indication of a man being a blind follower instead of a visionary leader.
Following one’s tribe is “safe” in the short term, but inherently dangerous in the long-term. Questioning everything may feel perilous in the short-term, but it invariably leads to better long-term decision making. You already know the more sexually attractive mindset between the two.
4) Value IRL Relationships
For millennia we didn’t have radio and television, let alone the Internet and social media. People hung out together, as we’re designed to. Nowadays we’re hurtling toward a Bizarro World where electronic relationships are ALL we have. It’s chilling to consider how AI is impacting that after just a few short years.
Yet we wonder why we’re lonely. Try real interaction with real humans. You were born for this.
5) Actually Like Women
Men and women were quite literally designed--even biologically--to be in partnership with each other. Question why the trend has been to divide men and women. Practice critical thinking skills talked about above and you’ll likely arrive at the same terrifying answer as I did. Who and what benefits from fewer marriages, fewer new babies and fewer nuclear families? Occam’s Razor is your friend here, yet so many of us have allowed ourselves to be propagandized into loneliness.
6) Refuse To Let Trolls Steal Your Power
Haters gonna hate. Believe it or not, you don’t actually have to respond to them. Your “respect” isn’t at stake as much as you think, except in rare cases where someone is truly attempting to defame your good reputation. In that regard, bringing false criminal allegations counts. Calling you a “moron” because you don’t think Jaylen Brown got fouled by Stephon Castle the other night doesn’t.
When you let people troll you easily and often, what you’re really doing is letting the grade school bully get the desired rise out of you. Yes, those people are all over social media, and they’re either immature or suffering from BPD. Have you ever noticed you don’t feel better when you hit back, just more stressed? Try giving them the gift of silence. You’ll experience a weird new sense of power. Not only will you like your new attitude, so will high-quality women.
7) Recognize What Condition The “Doomscrolling” Masses Are In
By now, you’ve sensed a theme here of how new media is at the core of the “pandemic of loneliness”. The sad truth is too many people have been sucked in with without even knowing how or why. But if they’re honest, they’re neither happier nor more fulfilled by their social media addiction.
Once you fully realize this and see the current state of our social lives for what it is, something liberating will happen. You’ll start seeing the big picture and start feeling compassion for those who have been ginned up into a vortex of division and stress. From there, you can invite real-world conversation instead of simply knee-jerking another 280-character snark. The next thing you know, you’ll be making more friends than enemies again. Since you’re basically a decent person, that’s how it always should have been.
8) Stay Focused On What Matters
“7 Habits” author Stephen Covey famously said, “The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.” That battle cry against distraction is more poignant than ever in today’s world. Now, the truth is you can have several top priorities in life spinning at the same time. But I solemnly promise you that putting someone on Facebook in their place because they dared to think differently about voter ID than you do really isn’t one of them.
Recently, I’ve noticed how many people devote considerable time to spouting off about current events that have next to no impact on their lives or on the lives of people they love. Passionate about the “greater good” of all humanity? Great, but don’t let your kids get neglected over it. Moreover, if you’re truly passionate about a cause, show me how that passion burned before it became the top news story this week, and prove your mettle by keeping it top of mind even after the media news cycle runs its course.
True purpose and ambition win with women. Letting your “priorities” get shaken up weekly by the media, not so much.
9) Reclaim Your Sense Of Humor
All of this cortisol-laden sturm und drang brought about by ersatz media-driven “socializing” weighs heavy over time. Consider how so many people nowadays take both themselves and every little occurrence so seriously. When bombarded by a historically unprecedented barrage of mostly adversarial infotainment on the daily, this is no real surprise.
Constant all-or-nothing social media threads lead to a perpetual fight-or-flight state. It’s hard to keep things “light” under those circumstances.
Nevertheless, easily offended people still suck as much as they always have. Ultimately, they even suck to people who agree with them.
You don’t have to be a comedian to have a sense of humor. All you really have to do is sense humor. We can reset and see the lighter side if we want to, and it’s a fantastic stress relief. Lower the volume, lower the cortisol, and raise your sense of well-being.
Meanwhile, girls just want to have fun. Lead toward that end, for a change, and watch women follow adoringly. They probably never stopped to realize how worked up they’d really gotten over time.
10) The Clincher: Know Thyself
There’s good character, bad character and that often overlooked state of having no character. The latter happens when we’ve somehow never gotten around to considering what we truly believe, what truly matters to us and, well...who the hell we really are.
When you do what it takes to figure those pieces out, you emerge with a fully developed core belief system. You can explain your “what” and you can defend your “why”. It makes sense that a woman who aligns with your character will be a better partner for you. It also makes sense that she’ll be looking for a “big four” man like you. Deserve what you want.
You may have noticed a theme here. None of the ten areas of focus I listed are particularly difficult or complicated. Every man can practice every one of them, starting today.
And yes, isn’t it interesting how all of them hark back to “old school” thinking? I’ve been shouting from the rooftops that “old school” is the “new school”. That’s how radical this concept really is.
Did I leave any important mindset tweaks out? Let me know in the comments. You’ll probably be right.
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