Weakness

I had an influx of concern after my last post describing the feeling of grief. Friends that were hurt because of language I chose (I have since updated it to match what I meant), others concerned about my belief in heaven, others just worried for the heaviness that encompassed me. This is the thing though, I want to be so honest about the path that I am journeying on. And while I tend to have an “I can do this” attitude, it takes a lot of effort to believe that I can do it before I even try. And right now there are so many things that make me feel like I’m not good enough for this part of the journey, mainly because I cannot see what the next step is.

But there are a few things that are keeping me moving on:

Prayers of beloved friends. Words of kindness from them texted to me at “just the right time.” Weekly phone calls where woes are held with me and divine intervention happens. Intercession from those who loved Ken as well and who can imagine the hole left in my life. I often think of Ecclesiastes 4:12, but look at the surrounding verses and not only does it hold the benefit of being partnered and friended, but also the hardship of being alone.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labour.
For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.
Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?
And if one can overpower him wo is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.

The dearest friends and dearest family who have surrounded me over the past couple of years have been faithful in prayer, in love, in physical, spiritual, and financial support. I would always be in despair without them. And God provides blessings that I haven’t even had the opportunity to imagine I require. In August a friend needed a place to crash for a couple of days after the home she moved into turned out to be an unsafe situation. Not only has she helped keep the house tidy and drive the kids around, but she has provided divine intercession when grief is overwhelming and precious companionship in the evenings when I am “done in” and need some distraction and conversation.

I’ve also been down on myself for continuing to struggle with limiting my wine intake. You probably guessed that since I haven’t updated you all on this journey. The habit, born in celebration while I create a meal for my family at the end of the day, which I really, truly feel was something God blessed me with, turned into a disorder. And I know I’m not the only one who went from one glass to almost a bottle a night during Covid. Ken was here to call me out. To hold the bottle. To remind me of all the reasons not to indulge. But the numbing over the last year is partially why my last post was so depressing. I’ve been trying NOT to feel all that grief ALL the time. During the day I have distractions, but in the evening the loss feels so overwhelming.

So in January I did some special bloodwork through a company called “Seek” that does research on women with alcohol use concerns and discovered what things alcohol was affecting in my body. The research includes what happens not only if I stop drinking, but also what happens as I reduce the amount of wine I am drinking. So, I thought I’d share with you my current scores and then share with you what I’m trying to decrease my intake.

The Seek test came back with the following scores, but also recommendations for supplements, sleep, exercise, and what decreasing would mean for each topic as well as if I am going to drink something, what would be the least detrimental (healthiest?) choice. I’m going to include just one of the facts that were included with each modification suggestion. These are directly from the Seek website:

https://www.seekhealthtest.com.

Brain — 49/100
One month off drinking per year can reduce brain inflammation and boost healthy brain cell growth! Cutting back by just one drink per day can reduce brain age by up to two years!

Gut — 47/100
Drinking on an empty stomach can lead to leaky gut, and binge drinking messes up your gut microbiome. Modifications? No hard liquor or white wine. Eat more fibre.

Heart — 51/100
Women who consume 8+ alcohol drinks per week are 51% more likely to be diagnosed with heart disease. Avoid high carb drinks, hard liquor, and sugary wines. Merlot has procyanidin to help prevent cholesterol build up in arteries. Women who consume 3+ drinks per day are 68% more likely to develop heart disease than those who drink moderately.

Sleep — 51/100
It takes four hours for the body to metabolize alcohol. When the liver finishes the process it causes you to wake up! Modification? Stop drinking by 7pm so you can go to sleep at 11pm! Drink non-alcoholic wines after your cutoff time. Alcohol and sugar have similar metabolism so no sugar after 7pm too! Women who drink heavily and change their habits can improve sleep quality by nearly 40%!

Mental Health — 53/100
Drinking most days depletes dopamine which makes us more likely to crave alcohol. It also increases the drunchies (eating highly processed foods). Women who stop drinking are able to reach the same peak levels of mental health as women who never drank. (Granted my MH was not great long before I ever started drinking, but more on that in a bit).

Skin — 65/100
Alternate water with wine to stay hydrated. Skip artificial ingredients - drink European wines which have more transparent ingredients.

Breast Cancer — 54/100
Ethanol is a carcinogen. High stress and high alcohol use are the two leading causes of breast cancer in women. Big reach - cut back to three drinks per week. Replace one night of drinking with restorative or yin yoga. Walk 20 minutes a day.

Liver — 62/100
Women who consume more than seven drinks a week are at an increased risk for liver conditions. Drink green tea and sweat every day. It takes women half the time as men to develop liver disease. Women who change their drinking habits can reduce liver-related mortality rate by 160% in comparison to men who drink the same amount! For reference, my Gamma GT is elevated at 48 (less than 44 is considered normal). With my daughter’s AutoImmune Hepatitis diagnosis, and my positive AHA and ANA, this is a major factor in my reasons to get healthier.

Menopause — 68/100
Red wine triggers hot flashes. On days that you will be drinking, have green tea or matcha instead of coffee. Drinking less than 2 drinks a day can increase bone density.

I was hoping that taking this test would give me the motivation to decrease my drinking, and it did, but willpower and willingness are not the same thing and my willpower is weak. When the evening comes after a long day, and the grief starts to settle in my eyes and create a heaviness in my chest it’s so easy to medicate the aching back with a couple of glasses of wine. “Try again tomorrow” is my on-going mantra.

Each morning I’m ashamed for giving in, again. For the last 592 days I’ve been tracking the number of drinks I’ve had each day. The app, Sunnyside, helps me plan my drinks for the week and then the program reminds me when it’s time to switch to water - and if I really want that next drink, a live coach will come on and listen to my struggle and help me find an option that will work. I think it’s the morning check in (when I confirm how many drinks I’ve had) that I realize that I am not being as mindful when I refill my glass as I “thought” I was being the night before. But, I have participated in the challenges from time to time, and get in on the chats and daily questions a couple times a month. Seeing other people crush it IS inspiring.

But knowing that I need more help to decrease my drinking made me come clean with my doctor and naturopath (my counsellor has been supportive all along in helping me find better questions and solutions for a more mindful approach to wine). My naturopath made some suggestions and added some supplements while I asked my doctor to try naltrexone treatment. I started reading The Cure for Alcoholism by Roy Eskapa PhD and altered the time I take my naltrexone (which was before bed initially) to one hour before I drink. This method (called the Sinclair Method) will eventually take the craving for alcohol away because it diminishes the dopamine reaction when I have that glass of wine so I have less desire to have it. The trick is, for the next little while, I can’t do the “other things” that fire up those dopamine transmitters in my body after I’ve had the naltrexone. So if I want to go to a Yin Yoga class next Tuesday (which I’m scheduled for) I cannot take the naltrexone or drink the two days before the class so that I get the benefit of the dopamine from taking the class, or going dancing, etc. Eventually, the goal would be to use these “other” dopamine boosters instead of drinking at all.

My dream goal is that I’d use the basement gym as a movement studio and work through the 5 Rhythms flow a couple nights, practice yoga a couple nights and go for long walks after dinner on other days. I’m doing my first “test” tomorrow, so I had non-alcoholic wine last night. NA white wines are much easier to find than NA red wines that taste good - not like grape juice and vinegar - I ordered some from Sansorium to try, if you have a good red, let me know:

All in all, what I would love to ask from you, precious reader-friend, is that you offer up a prayer for me that God would be my strength, because I’ve begged for this to go away, and it is not.

…there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three (thousand) times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake;
for when I am weak, then I am strong.
II Corinthians 12:7b-10 NASB

I need the “glory-strength that God gives, to endure the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to make part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us” Colossians 1:11-12ish in The Message. My hope is that after a few months of naltrexone treatment I’ll retake the Seek health test and hopefully my results will have improved. I want to decrease my intake, initially, to less than seven glasses per week. When I get to that point I’ll retake the test to see if my numbers have improved and share them with you.

Thank you for pushing through to the end here. It means a lot to me to be able to share this struggle openly because I know how hard it is to talk about and I know that it is a common struggle in this time of turmoil within our communities, countries, and world.

Bless you.

May the Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26