Three days I woke early and dove into Scripture. In love with Jesus and learning about Him specifically in Colossians was a mind-blowing experience. The mystery of Jesus being before the worlds were created and being made through Him and His being the firstborn of both creation and of the dead…I was intrigued. Almost missed my counselling appointment because I was so inspired and excited.
Then, for some reason, on Tuesday morning I snoozed my alarm and “realized” it was Sunday and I could take a day of rest. So I didn’t wake up until ten. Fortunately, my first appointment of the day wasn’t until two. Unfortunately, I felt too behind to go back to my Colossians study. I jumped into the day, dealing with paperwork to get Savannah ready for University…laundry…blah…blah…blah.
By the end of the day, I was “needing” just a glass of wine. And I tried to have just a glass of wine. But I couldn’t. At first I felt like I was rewarding myself for having gotten so many things crossed off my list, but it was just a spiral into numbing the fact that not only do I no longer have Ken with me to share these moments and encourage me by doing something else (although there are plenty of others in the house that could) I wanted to numb. I lost Ken on a Tuesday. I call my BFF on Tuesday nights to FaceTime, and I was already having a glass of wine. But after I got off the phone, I wanted more (also, canned wine has a terrible aftertaste). And I turned on the TV and started to numb.
On Wednesday I woke late again and had to rush to get Savannah to the dentist. And I lost the motivation. And since I already had failed I fell into the same pit of despair at the end of the day (although we did bring home two rescue bunnies named Frodo and Pippin on Wednesday). It was Savannah’s big going-away meal with all the siblings (pizza) and it was too hard for me to stay present on this really important day because I kept remembering that Ken wasn’t present with us on this big day.
Last night we loaded the Pilot for our trip today to move Savannah to University. We leave in a couple of hours. I had a lot of tears. I also was hoping to figure out how to trade phones with her and spent hours last night trying to figure out how to download all of Ken’s passwords and writings on his phone to my computer so I could give my youngest his number (keep it in the family) and I could use his mildly cracked phone and pass phones down the line so we had one for Cora and update my TikTok star, Claire’s phone from an 8 to an 11. Anyway, I spent hours reading his stories and his notes. His list of “Scriptures that have formed me” dated the day before his first cancer surgery.
I had three glasses of Viognier last night. It was one of our favourites. Four hours of on-line chats and tears and frustration. And disappointment in myself.
But I woke with my alarm this morning and spent an hour reading and re-reading Colossians today - the warnings Paul was heeding them about in comparison to who Christ has been revealed to us as in the letter. And there is part of it that is freeing for me, and part of it that makes me want to do better.
Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on the earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory.
Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them. But no you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him—a renewal in which there is no distinction between Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave and freeman, but Christ is all, and in all.
Colossians 3:1-11
I have been raised up with Christ. The lures of the flesh shouldn’t have a hold on me and I can draw on the strength of the Lord to withstand the temptation to exit the present and numb myself. I deluded myself thinking that my first glass was a celebration and would be my only glass. But it wasn’t and I knew I didn’t have the strength within myself to withstand the second and third glasses. And I was too ashamed to ask for strength from God as I’d already given in. I requested some encouragement on Facebook one night. Here are some of the verses that appeared (but not until the next day). I’m sharing them with you in case you are going through something that you need some encouragement to withstand or endure as well.
Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous!
Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9
Be strong and let your heart take courage,
All you who hope in the LORD.
Psalm 31:24
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
Psalm 46:1-5
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
Psalm 139:7-12
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13
The following verse is something that Ken used in the Testimony he gave at Regent in February and that we also shared as part of his Celebration of Life. We talked about the passage surrounding this verse that a Regent friend from 20ish years ago left on my page:
yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith,
Philippians 1:24-25
Rejoice always;
pray without ceasing;
in everything give thanks;
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
and another passage out of Philippians. Ken was studying Philippians when he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in October last year, and he listened (maybe several times) to the late Gordon Fee’s teaching on Philippians. A few times a week he’d play me pieces of the impassioned teaching of this dear friend and mentor of Ken’s.
Rejoice in the Lord always (delight, take pleasure in Him); again I will say, rejoice!
Let your gentle spirit (your graciousness, unselfishness, mercy, tolerance, and patience) be known to all people. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything (every circumstance and situation) by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your (specific) requests known to God. And the peace of God (that peace which reassures the heart, that peace) which transcends all understanding, (that peace which) stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (is yours). Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things (centre your mind on them, and implant them in your heart). The things which you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things (in daily life), and the God (who is the source) of peace and well-being will be with you.
Philippians 4:4-9 Amplified Version
Your word I have treasured in my heart,
That I may not sin against You.
Psalm 119:11
Thank you to all of you who continue to encourage me during the evening (especially) when I think of that “I made it through the day and accomplished all of these things” celebratory drink - because I know it’s not a true celebration when I escape from being present with my children, my friends and family, even the bunnies and the budgie.
Please continue to connect with me as you have been so as you are lifting me up in prayer through this season of grief and loss, that I might also petition on your behalf.
Lord,
I’m prone to the philosophies of man, the “wisdom” that is right in my own eyes. Please keep enticing me back to Your Word and to be in Your Spirit so that I will have discernment and wisdom in what I say and what I do, that I might be a light shining in darkness instead of a shadow blocking your beauty. Fill me with your loving peace and enduring compassion, not only for those whom I encounter, but also for my own body and soul. You know how hard I am on myself, maybe not hard enough, please grant me mercy and freedom in your love so that I can follow you more passionately.
Amen.
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