Happy Enough Q&A

Welcome to a new Happy Enough Q&A series that I have not officially named—but here we go.

Below you’ll find my very non-expert thoughts, feelings, and advice on four reader submissions. There’s an extra question at the end that could use some community input, so if you feel compelled, jump into the comments and help her out.

“I’m divorced, I want to date, but do I really need to get on the apps?”

If you’re serious about wanting to find love, sex, or making a connection... yes. You do. I understand your hesitancy, and they are not without their issues, but if you want to find someone, you need to go where the people are... and they’re on the apps. Us elder millennials and beyond might be nostalgic for meeting someone “the old fashioned way,” but at this point the apps basically are. And if Zohran Mamdani and Rama Duwaji met on Hinge, don’t you owe it yourself to connect with a handsome leftist who will eventually make you the first lady of a major American city? And if a guy holding a fish who wants you to be in your feminine energy is more your speed, they’re there too. Additionally, can I suggest that any app can be a dating app if you want it to be? My partner and I met on Instagram.

Don’t stop going to church, the farmer’s market, or give up on being connected to someone through mutual friends. Finding love, or just some temporary companionship, takes keeping an open mind and a diversified strategy.

“How did you help your kids NOT have the narrative or POV that “mom left?”

Who does that story even serve? Certainly not the children. It’s heartbreaking and deeply harmful for any child to believe they were abandoned on any level.

I was fortunate to have a co-parent who recognized that blaming me wouldn’t help our kids thrive. Not every parent has that. Sometimes an ex feeds that storyline out of their own pain or emotional immaturity, but that only harms the children.

Who “left” or initiated the divorce is irrelevant. What matters is that kids feel secure and loved, and that both parents work together to protect that.

We all mess up during a divorce. We say things we wish we hadn’t, we let emotion spill over. That’s normal and human. Your kids won’t be defined by one or two slip-ups, and both you and your ex deserve some grace in those moments. What’s most important is that you can eventually get on the same page about how to help everyone come out okay on the other side of this.

Language should always be “we” focused:

“We decided that we aren’t going to be married or live together anymore. But we love you, we’re here for you, and we will always be a family.”

If your kids are struggling or bring up that you were the one who moved out, you can validate their feelings without oversharing:

“I know this is hard, and it really sucks for all of us not to be in one home together anymore.”

If your kids are older and can process more, you might gently explain that financially or logistically it made the most sense for you to be the one to get a new space, or whatever the case may be. But it’s so important not to burden them with adult worries.

They don’t need to carry the emotional or practical weight of your decisions.

You don’t need to explain the intimate details of your split. It’s not developmentally appropriate or emotionally helpful. Too many parents center their pain and let it spill onto their kids, when the goal should always be protecting their sense of safety and love.

How do you support your children’s relationship with their other parent, when you also need space to heal?

My methods won’t apply to everyone, and I understand that some situations require more boundaries. But one of the ways I help facilitate my ex having more connection with our girls is by saying “yes” when I can. He often asks if he can pick them up from school on days when it’s my responsibility. He gets to touch base with them, give hugs and kisses, and it also saves me a trip. Sometimes he helps one of our daughters with homework or jumps on the trampoline with them for a few minutes, and then he’s on his way.

I’m comfortable with him being in my house (and also desperate for childcare), so occasionally he’ll text to ask if he can spend time with the girls for an hour while I take a walk. None of this requires us to spend time together, but it supports his relationship with them and shows our kids that their parents can cooperate and be kind to each other.

I’m also happy to let my kids FaceTime him whenever they want. If I’m feeling tender or need space, I just go into another room.

What’s the best way to handle money in a post-divorce relationship?

I would lay down in the street before I was ever financially dependent on someone else again. Finances can be a vehicle for control, and I want to be in a romantic relationship because I want to be there, not because I need to be.

Real intimacy is built on mutuality. Shared expenses should be split proportionally based on each person’s income. That doesn’t mean there can’t be gifts, treats, or “let me cover this because I love you and I want to do something nice for you” moments, but financial autonomy is paramount.

Everyone should have the freedom to stay in a relationship for the right reasons, and fiscal independence ensures that. But yes, please - absolutely find someone to split rent with in this economy.

Now for our community question:

The parenting plan can be a great source of stress, if you have any wisdom to share in the comments section that would be wonderful.

Have a question or situation you’d like to submit? E-mail them to: contacthappyenough@gmail.com