Looking Before We Leap To Conclusions

I’ll be taking August away from writing to give myself (and you) a break - posts for paid subscribers will continue as usual. Enjoy your month & see you in September!

Dear Beloved,

Our little dog Aiko was scanned after of a nasty bout of pancreatitis. The vet phoned us with the news - her pancreas was slightly enlarged, nothing to worry about, but the scan had revealed several large stones in her bladder.

Rock hard, sharp crystals - that had caused polyps all over her bladder lining, that would have been causing her pain and an increased urge to urinate for years.

Suddenly, I was looking through a new window at her past behaviour.

When she insisted on going out in the middle of the night but then only had a short wee, I thought she was using it as an excuse to get us up, to have a sniff around the garden at 1am when she was restless and bored.

I had labelled her as ‘naughty’.

We often don’t see the ‘bladder stones’ behind the behaviour of those around us. We leap to conclusions about why a person is doing something annoying or disrespectful or unwise - they are ‘lazy’ or ‘have no morals’ or are ‘cruel’ or ‘stupid’.

Understanding the reasons behind behaviour doesn’t mean letting people off the hook. I believe that people should always take responsibility for their unskilful actions, whatever the precipitating factors are. And, when we learn more about the person we’re judging (or even remember to suspend our judgement and be curious) it can shift our view of them as dramatically as my view of Aiko shifted.

What kind of care did they receive growing up? What was modelled? What pockets of trauma are their systems struggling to accommodate? How do the young, vulnerable parts of them feel about themselves? How much shame is swishing about, threatening to rise up?

There are always causes and conditions - there are always bladder stones. Often the folk we’re judging have less control over their behaviour than we may think. Like Aiko, they feel an unbearable urge to protect themselves or to self-soothe in particular ways. There is something sharp digging into them, and they are seeking relief from the pain above anything else.

Even just trusting that there will be some reasons behind folk’s ugly behaviour can help us to curb our unskilful reactions, to have a little more patience with them, and maybe even to feel a little compassion for them. This should always go alongside setting appropriate boundaries and speaking up against injustice. And, although it’s not always easy, at least we’re not adding so much to the volume of hate in the world.

A few days after that first scan, Aiko was restless at 3am. She wasn’t disturbing me or asking me to go out with her usual whines, but I caught her eye in the dark of the bedroom. I whispered to her: ‘toilet?’.

She looked so grateful.

As we went downstairs together I felt so different about my sleep being disturbed. She was in discomfort, and a short wee might help her to feel better and then to get back to sleep again. I felt so much love for her.

Aiko is now recovered from an operation to remove the stones - they can’t get them out any other way. She’s on a special diet which she’ll stay on for the rest of her life, and hopefully this will stop the stones from reoccurring.

She has more energy than she’s had for years and is doing zoomies on walks again. She is happy.

So am I.

Love, Satya <3

A question to carry: Who are you judging at the moment and how might it be to get curious about why they might be acting as they are?

‘Dear Beloved’ is a free newsletter that will nudge you towards love at the start of every week. It is written by Satya Robyn (she/her) - an IFS therapist and Buddhist minister who lives happily at the feet of the Malvern hills in the UK. She lives with her spouse Kaspa (they/them) and their two little dogs, Aiko and Ralph. Her main site is here.