A sneak preview of The Love Library!

Forget Mr Right, I want a Mr Darcy, says Tess Hardy, The Sunday Sentinel’s resident single gal…

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of a good job, good friends and a wardrobe of really good frocks must be in want of a good man.

So, I ask you, nay, implore you, where have all the good men gone?

One thing’s for certain. They’re not in my local supermarket. I cruise the aisles hoping to meet eyes with a handsome stranger as he’s fondling avocados or selecting wine according to its vintage and taste notes rather than its alcohol content and because it’s on special offer. I dream of some sophisticated and flirtatious banter as we both reach for the last posh sourdough loaf and before you know it, we’re enjoying a Dine In For Two promotion. But my dreams never come true and I have to make do with a basket of picky bits commonly known as girl dinner.

The good men are also not to be found in my gym. Instead there are a lot of not that great men who hog the free weights, mansplain how to use the running machine that I’m already running on and make very unpleasant grunting sounds as they lift.

And the good men are most definitely not on the apps. The apps are full of very, very bad men who are always shorter, balder and a lot angrier than their profiles would suggest.

There was the man who fancied himself as a crypto trader. When I asked if I should be investing in bitcoin or NFT’s (because I give good date, I really do) it turned out he was talking about the Robux he earned from playing Roblox. I’ll spare you the details. When I politely declined a second date –the thought of more Roblox chat was giving me PTSD – he sent a very irate message asking for the money back he’d spent on treating me to a soy milk cappuccino and a brownie and threatening me with the small claims court.

Then there was the man I met for a Sunday afternoon stroll with his golden retriever Bertie. Bertie was delightful but his human, who was wearing red trousers, a red flag if ever there was one, didn’t pick up Bertie’s poo and when another dog tried to sniff Bertie’s bottom (which, quite frankly, might be a better way to meet someone than on Tinder,) he tried to kick the other dog.

Or what about the man I met for a quick after work drink who took one look at me and said, “I only date eights and above and you’re not even a six.” Yes, of course I went home and cried.

Let’s not forget the men who’ve told me to my face that I’m too fat, too old, too loud, too opinionated, too blonde (apparently he only dated redheads) and just generally too much. Then there are the men who tell me I’m not enough. Not sexy enough, not thin enough, not clever enough, not funny enough. Yet people, specifically my mother, insist that I’m the one who’s too picky.

Is it any wonder that I no longer feel like the vibrant young woman that I used to be before I ever downloaded the Bumble app? I like to think that I’m realistic. I know that Prince Charming doesn’t exist and if he did he wouldn’t fancy me, but I can’t cope with the never ending parade of frogs and I certainly don’t want to kiss any of them. No wonder that I am date-fatigued. So weary of wooing. Practically resigned to becoming a spinster of the parish.

Yes, yes, I know some women are happy to be single but I’m not one of them. I want the meet cute, I want the giddiness of falling in love and the rightness that you feel when you meet your person. Above all else, I want my happy ever after.

But it gets quite hard to keep the faith as I walk the Green Mile to another subpar date with a man that the algorithm has deemed worthy. However, all is not lost!

I’ve recently stumbled upon an inexhaustible supply of eligible young to rendezvous with every night of the week. I snuggle with them on the sofa as they whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Shockingly, I even go to bed with them on a first date. But who can blame me when they make my heart beat faster, give me proper tingles and never bore me stupid as they bang on about counting macros?

The best thing is that I didn’t even need to download an app to access these hunky heirs to my heart. Unless we’re talking about my Waterstones app because I’ve recently rediscovered my love of classic literature.

It all started when my book group, The Romance Girlies, decided to take a break from Spicy Romantasy to read Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (paid link). Full disclosure, some of us may not have read the book but watched the TV adaptation instead featuring two very aesthetically pleasing actors. Either way, it made me remember my teenage days when I lived rurally with a weak WiFi signal and no satellite TV so had to make do with the works of the Bronte sisters and Jane Austen. Not that I minded back then or now as I once again lose myself in the pages of these favourite books and in the arms (sadly only metaphorical arms) of my favourite romantic heroes.

Let me live out my Gilded Age fantasies with Newland Archer, the tortured hero of The Age Of Innocence (paid link). Let me soothe the troubled and brooding brow of The Count Of Monte Cristo (paid link). And while Jane Austen has written many excellent and eligible bachelors, honourable mentions to Captain Wentworth from Persuasion and Mr Knightley the worthy suitor of Emma (paid link), let’s hear it for the one and only Fitzwilliam Darcy. With his ten thousand pounds a year and fine grounds at Pemberley, not to mention his handsome countenance, he is pretty much the perfect man.

I’m not completely delusional. I know a fictional hero can never love me back. But he’s also never going to expect sexual favours in return for treating me to the Prix Fixe menu at Côte, like certain real men I could mention.

So, until I meet a real life Mr Darcy, and there are days, lots of days, when I feel as if I’m more likely to meet an actual unicorn, let me have my book boyfriends. They might not be able to give me the happy ever after that I desperately long for but a happy for now will do.

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The Love Library, an enemies-to-lovers literary romcom, is out on June 25th and is available for preorder now. (paid link)