Post # 89: Changing our View of Change

George Santayana says:

Sari Says:

This quote by the philosopher Santayana struck me, especially after our recent group on resilience, my own inner work, and my work with clients who are getting older and need a new way to think about letting go and moving on—and about viewing and valuing themselves differently.

In my work with clients on aging, and with others facing chronic or new life circumstances, it is critical to work at accepting a change in identity as something natural—not as a loss, but as a “becoming.”

Just as each season becomes the next, we are never without a season: each is beautiful and challenging in its own way. The only problem we run into is, as Santayana says, when we “fall hopelessly in love” with one of them. He refers specifically to spring, which makes sense because, to me, that season represents the bloom of youth, the hope in the air when all things seem possible.

When we fall in love with and hold onto one way of being in the world—one identity—we fight and grieve that we are no longer the same woman or man. We don’t look the same, don’t have the same face or body or memory, or the same job, role in the world, identity, or impact.

When we hold on for dear life, as if that can stave off change, impermanence, or imperfection, we forget that we never give up being who we are at the core. Instead, we need to recognize that we constantly need to find new ways to express ourselves, to modify, to keep up with changing circumstances. We need to discover or recognize new ways we are able to make an impact.

By moving into a different way of being in the world—not a “role” so much as a way of relating more authentically—not lesser, maybe not with the same splash, but with a quieter connection: mentoring, helping, teaching, imparting the wisdom of who we are and all we have gone through in our lives, we leave a legacy. This legacy can build on all those changes, all the seasons of our life, without insisting that we stay in the vibrant colors of summer or that we can’t move into the tenderness of a fading winter or an early fall evening.

We change, and our roles change, and only when we cling to them do we feel such intense loss of value or identity. We have to move over and make room for a new generation, professionally and in our families—changing role, but still loved, appreciated, and valued, just in a different way. Letting others rise, imparting our wisdom, instead of engaging with the world in the same ways we did before.

Research shows that the people who are able to shift in this way stay happy and engaged, while others, equally bright or successful, become depressed or bitter—feeling that any change in a role is a change in status that they can’t bear.

I admit I am a romantic, and so sometimes I, as well as others, hold on to a certain vision of the way life used to be—or the way our kids, now grown, used to be—or the memory of what we used to do easily. But I think we are still “us” in a new way, if we modify, get support, and find new ways to express latent or emerging aspects of ourselves: to be of value in new ways, or to live in a new way. Maybe turning inward, maybe turning outward—whichever is an expansion that accommodates your changes.

So let’s not insist on one way of being in the world as the only valuable way. Let’s keep moving—shedding, blooming, retreating, and emerging like the changing seasons. We have many colors and many aspects we can keep discovering. Clients who can’t let go of that one identity, feel the pain of growing old or of changing circumstances much more acutely. Instead of insisting on one way of being, we can open up a different experience of aging or changing by fully experiencing whatever beautiful season of life we are in—letting go and moving on.

What do you say?

What are you still insisting on?

What season of your life do you measure yourself by?

Is there another way you can modify—to move into a different identity, or a different way to be yourself?

Can you let go of old roles and find a more authentic way to be yourself or give yourself?

Can you appreciate the beautiful memories of the ideal or idealized part of your life—when maybe you were in full bloom—while also appreciating life in its changing seasons? From full bloom to a more stark beauty, where your hidden facets can be revealed, like a beautiful winter scene?

Where are you in the seasons of your life?

Please leave me a comment, and we can discuss this in the next Reflection group on September 2nd or here in the chat.