Do you need to be 'achievement single'?

Good morning Carousellers,

I’ve just come off a very energising community call with the Happy Start Up school. It was at 8:30am and usually I don’t book in work before 11am if I can help it (one of my life re-designs after leaving teaching), but something nudged me to join.

I ended up having such rich conversations with other entrepreneurs about niching / not niching as multi-passionates (the beautiful paradox that the man who had made a course about not-niching had, in effect, created a niche for himself), and reflecting on the quiet beliefs that drive the way we live and work.

I loved that inquiry.

And it struck me that often the beliefs we hold in the background are not always obvious. In fact, sometimes they are SO obvious that they don’t seem worth mentioning. Or you wouldn’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t have those beliefs. People who say ‘well of course I believe that purpose is more important than money’ or ‘wow, yes I guess that I hold the belief that I must work hard to feel enough.’ I could write a whole book about sneaky beliefs (but I won’t, but you get the idea).

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the beliefs I hold about work and life that govern the way I do things. These were the two I shared today in the breakout room:

1. I believe we all have a type of work or activity that feels fully regenerative for us. That’s to say, that when we engage in that activity we feel refuelled and energised, rather than drained. I believe that part of life’s mission is to find it.

   Since I left teaching (which was not regenerative!)I have been working hard to understand and prioritise activities that feel regenerative, and also to support others to identify the activities that regenerate them. It also means I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to rest well, and to live and work in ways that don’t burn me out. It means I don’t override myself when I’m ill, and I take my tiredness seriously.

2. I believe in the village.

   I want everyone to know each other and for us to all feel connected.

   This means when I meet new people I want to work out who to connect them with. I want to find ways to cross-pollinate my circles. I love seeing networks overlap and feeling like my world is a bit more intimate. I’m much more interested in building up local and in-person communities than faceless online masses. I love how soothed my nervous system feels when I see the same people regularly, or bump into people I know.

   Studies have shown that one of the the main factors in people who reach 100 years of age is that they have a strong local community, and the opposite of that can be a bigger killer than smoking 20 cigarettes a day. So my desire to bring people together is often driven by the belief that life is better, and we all feel better, when everyone knows each other.

What are the beliefs that you think run in the background of your life and work? And what would people who know you well say? (Maybe they will reveal something you didn’t realise).

An update from the void…

Since my last Carousel I’ve been on an initiation of sorts… I allowed myself to fully give in to the deep rest that I was crying out for. I cancelled everything non-essential, I turned my phone off as much as I could, and I embraced the permissive slowness that comes from not being fully well. There was a profound shift from not just ‘putting up with’ the slowness, but actually choosing it. Choosing that there could be some juicy goodness in doing less, in having less, in being less. Intentional wintering, rather than just waiting for spring.

In this space I found myself unplugging from the hustle of achievement. For a few days I no longer identified with old beliefs around money and status. I could see them, but I wasn’t engaging with them. Instead of ‘I should be earning more’ I thought ‘I have everything I need and I’m relishing living simply’. Instead of ‘I haven’t reached my potential’ I thought ‘I’ve done a lot of things I’m really proud of in my life, and this is a period of time when I can have a break from delivery.’ And I really felt these truths. Nothing had changed. My income was the same. I was still ill. My work was the same. But my relationship to it had changed. (And of course, in that void I suddenly had more coaching inquiries than I’d had in months…).

In a more extroverted moment a few weeks ago (pre-getting ill) I’d set the intention to talk to 100 strangers in 100 days (part of the 100 Day Project that started on 22/2). When it got to the day before I felt every part of my body screaming ‘ABSOLUTELY NOT!’ I’d lost my voice, had put myself on vocal rest, and so didn’t even want to speak to my housemates, let alone strangers. Instead of pulling out of the project, I adapted it. I asked myself ‘what would actually be nourishing right now?’ and the answer was ‘to draw something every day that had been lovely - just something small.’ I’m now on day 13 and am building up a bank of sweet sketches. I may end up talking to strangers at some point too, but for now, I’m keeping it simple.

Here’s my favourite sketch so far… :

• a morning trip to the seafront

• an amazing gnocchi dish I made (part of more frugal living has been learning to batch cook - it’s brought me SUCH joy and my housemate and I have created a duo called ‘‘Bitches who Batch’’ - theme tune incoming)

• and then of course my hyper-focus with Heated Rivalry and listening to the soundtrack on repeat to go to deeper layers of queer grief / joy.

A few days into my zen state I felt well enough to go to an event in London and I undid all my good work instantly… replugging back into the frequency of achievement and status, and questioning where I was in life. Nightmare! But what I got from that is that it can’t be black and white. We can’t winter forever. We can’t hide from the worlds we’re in. What my quiet time taught me was something quite crucial: ‘I am okay when I’m not achieveing’ - in fact, it could be something to relish. That doesn’t mean I am anti-achievement, because that’s denying the part of me that wants to put my stamp on the world and bring my ideas to life. But it’s saying ‘in the moments that you’re NOT achieving, you are still enough.’

I thought about people who are serial monogamists and are often told in between relationships ‘you need to just be single for a bit.’ As someone who is often single I’ve felt quite smug that I can feel okay alone. But I’m not sure how good I am at being achievement single. Taking a break between my next big thing, my next offering or idea. So this is what I’m embracing at the moment - the idea that whether I’m creating something or not, whether I am making a viral video or not, whether I’m earning mega bucks or not - it’s all okay. Quite liberating really…

Do you relate to this idea of needing to be achievement single? Or maybe for you it’s ‘helpful single’ or ‘entertaining single.’ What identity do you need to give yourself a break from?

One more sketch:

• an incredible AF sangría someone made me!

• documenting the Zen to London journey

• special moments on the beach with a friend

• and more Heated Rivalry obsesssion!

That’s enough for today, my friends.

If you’re in Brighton - Psy Fit is on for the next two Mondays. You can book in here.

With love

Sarah x