42 Things I Know at 42

Welcome to Sex and Style, where we pick up where sex-ed left off. Written by Certified Sexologist Sarah Ward, this newsletter delivers weekly tips on embodied erotic reclamation, nervous system attunement, and the healing power of pleasure — straight to your inbox.

Hi lovers.

Today is my last day of being 42, so I’m engaging a ritual to recap on 42 things I learned this year — with you as witness.

This is a little different than my usual posts on Sex and Style, although you’ll find sexy Easter eggs throughout.

01.

What you want is meant for you.

This flies in the face of how much we disallow ourselves to have what we desire.

Desire a seed that is planted inside of you. It’s meant to be a compass to show the way.

(I mean, unless you feel like murdering people. In which case, pause.)

02.

The price we pay for great sex is difficult conversations.

Great sex doesn’t just happen — if it did, everyone would be having it right now.

Get better at identifying your desires and begin to build a bridge between the sex you’re having — and the sex you yearn for.

03.

The best way to tap back into creativity is to surround yourself with creativity.

I was having a blase week recently. But then we went to watch a performance one Sunday morning, which is essentially classical music church, complete with music, the spoken word, and two minutes of silence.

Within minutes of being enveloped by the live Baroque music from three professional musicians, ideas were flowing again. I was lit the fuck up.

04.

There’s nothing sexier than leather lingerie.

case in point… (#obsessed)

05.

Some people find problems when there are none.

They may be subconsciously be blocking themselves from the very things that they desire.

If you grew up with insecure attachment, if someone with secure attachment wanted to be in a relationship with you, you might find yourself panicking or saying you’re not really all that attracted to them. (Conveniently)

That’s a sign your picker might be off. (But even inner compasses can be realigned)

06.

Sometimes laughing uncontrollably together is what’s needed — instead of sex. Because LBH, laughter gets you to a similar place as orgasm. Laughter is medicine.

07.

Flirting is a form of play. Unless your nervous system is regulated, that may feel harder to come by.

My love is very playful and flirtatious. Which is one of the things that I adore about him.

But like a double-sided swords, became one of the things that would drive me nuts.

Once I was able to take myself less seriously (honestly having the flu was like a plant medicine ceremony that burned off a lot of bullshit — it wasn’t fun, but the results were sensational), I was able to engage playfully, instead of feeling like play was beneath me.

08.

Cats protect their owners and absorb their negative energy. If they sit on your lap, they are trying to ground you. If they lie on your chest, then they are supporting your heart.

09.

There’s a version of you that would marvel at where you are today.

When I met my love years ago, I was in the sticky process of getting divorced.

For years we looked for a house in the Albuquerque area that fit our budget and lifestyle.

Last summer, a house popped up for sale in the community where he grew up.

We took the leap and now have a house together with our mammals.

It’s just regular life now. But for a long time it was just a dream.

10.

The best Halloween costumes have lingerie at their foundation. Like my X-Men Storm costume.

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11.

Wild horses are magic. This winter I was in a tiny town for a flamenco residency and met a band of horses on a deserted road at night. One paused to look at me as I looked at him. It was like he could see into my soul. They heralded in the year of the horse.

(Click on the link and scroll to the right!)

12.

Don’t wait until April 15 to do your taxes. Trust me on this one.

13.

There will come a time that you will need to develop new skills to regulate your nervous system.

This happened last fall. All of the regulation tools in my arsenal weren’t cutting it. So I found a nervous system coach and was able to right the ship.

14.

At my annual breast exam, the tech reminded me that I always have a voice. I can ask them to stop at any time. Tears sprang to my eyes.

When you don’t learn consent growing up, like me, this message hits harder than I expect it to.

15.

If every month had 28 days, we would have 13 months each year.

13 is the number of the goddess. We were conditioned to believe that 13 was unlucky, when it is anything but.

16.

You have to let things go before you can make space for the next thing.

I really struggled with letting go of my townhouse to move in together. This space felt more like me than any other I’ve lived in before. It was painful, but I’m so glad that I did.

(Plus we’re having more sex now than when we lived apart, so win/win!)

17.

Topical vaginal estrogen is something every woman in perimenopause should look into. Topical estrogen supports healthy blood flow, plumpness, and lubrication.

Hormones are the great equalizers for perimenopausal women.

18.

Consistency feels like safety in my system.

19.

Just because a movie is critically acclaimed doesn’t mean it’s good.

(Here’s looking at you, Disclosure Day.)

20.

Growing up in Canada, my earliest crushes weren’t celebrities — they were hockey players. This literal poster hung on 10-year-old Sarah’s wall.

22.

Nervous system regulation is the key to great sex. Period. End of story.

That's what we explore inside The Portal

22.

Rolfing changed my life. It changed my posture. I felt old tension leave my body. I felt my worthiness change. I saw myself differently in dance class. It released a torrent of anger from my pelvic floor / root chakra — who knows how long I had been holding onto that for.

23.

Taking small, tolerable steps outside your comfort zone is the way to make expansion feel safe.

That includes orgasm, lovers.

24.

I’m not the authority on anyone else’s life.

25.

Using a different hand to pleasure yourself will feel like a different lover.

This applies to both solo and partnered sex.

26.

When cats come to your bedside in the morning, it’s to welcome you back from the other side.

27.

Dragons are real.

When I say I want to ride a dragon, it isn’t sexual, for the record!

28.

Putting a diaper on a cat is good comedy.

But not an effective use of time or potty training.

29.

When I moved out of my townhouse to move in with my guy, I went through each room and touched every wall to say thank you and goodbye.

That home held me through the devastating grief of my divorce.

30.

You can’t think your way back to embodiment.

You can’t think your way into desire.

You can’t talk your way into orgasm.

31.

Documenting sex makes it even hotter.

32.

Mismatched desire isn’t a problem to be solved. It’s something to accept and come to terms with. (John and Julie Gottman teach about this.)

33.

Pleasure makes you magnetic.

Every night in June, I’ve been engaging in some sort of pleasure practice before bed. Is it any wonder that it’s been my most profitable month yet?

34.

Crystal dildo > vibe. No question.

35.

Learn how to turn yourself on.

After all, you are responsible for your turn-on.

36.

Safety is the ultimate turn-on.

37.

The answer is always no if you don’t ask.

38.

The fastest way to change your energy is what you wear.

Or have an orgasm. You choose!

39.

Money is energy.

Pleasure is energy.

Learning to hold this energy in your nervous system will change everythinggg.

40.

This photo of Zoe Kravitz and Robert Pattinson lives rent free in my head. I think about it more often than you would believe.

(You’re welcome)

41.

When you feel resistance, there is often something powerful behind that door.

As I was getting over the flu this year, I had a date to go to yoga with a friend. Everything in me was resisting it. But I went. And lying on my mat in the dark, I felt myself come back online. This was what I had been missing.

When resistance pops up, pay attention, darlings.

42.

Magic happens when you say yes.

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Sex and Style is a love letter to the body, written by Sarah Ward, Certified Sexologist, Somatic Sex Coach & Wardrobe Stylist. She helps people reclaim pleasure, presence, and style — fully clothed and beyond. Based in Albuquerque, NM, she works with clients worldwide.

Let’s get you dressed. And undressed.

If you’ve been looking for ways to experience more pleasure or feel more connection with your partner, reach out! I’d love to support you in your expansion.

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