Content note: Death of a child. Take care while reading.
Monday would have been her 19th birthday.
In mid-December 2023, my girlfriend, Amanda, phoned me and asked me to sit down.
She had just found out the day before that her beloved daughter, Ula, age 16, had died of an accidental overdose.
Ula was not only the daughter of my close friend, but the childhood best friend of my daughter, Maxine. For a long time, she and Maxine were more like sisters than friends. I tucked her in bed next to Maxine, kissed her goodnight and told her I loved her countless times over the course of a decade.
We knew Ula had been having a hard time, but we never dreamed that we wouldn’t get to see the beautiful and amazing adult we were confident she would be one day.
In the weeks after Ula died, I found it hard to go on as usual.
Parents in my community needed support about typical situations like kids getting up out of bed when they should be going to sleep, morning stress about getting to school on time or picky eaters who only want plain pasta for every meal.
It was hard not to view these daily challenges through the lens of Amanda’s grief.
Please don’t get me wrong...
Empathy is not finite.
There is no shortage of compassion.
These parenting struggles are real.
And you parents and caregivers who are in the day-to-day challenges that are the reality of raising kids 100 percent need and deserve empathy and compassion when things are hard.
“At least...” is never helpful.
However, in those darkest days of grief after Ula died, those daily struggles with kids seemed so insignificant.
I kept thinking that what really mattered was that those kids were ALIVE.
That we have these precious moments with our children and it’s all too easy to take life for granted.
In my 26 years as a parent and my decade as a parenting coach, what I’ve noticed is that when we are stuck in conflict with our child, trying to get them to hurry up so we won’t be late or just try the darn pasta with the sauce for once, is that we forget about the big picture.
We can lose perspective about what’s important.
I’m not suggesting you tell yourself to suck it up when things are hard. You still deserve empathy and compassion when your kid is melting down in the grocery store.
Parenting is still hard.
Withholding compassion from yourself because some people have it worse won’t help your situation and it won’t help the person who has it worse.
Being stingy with empathy and love just makes the world a place with less empathy and love.
What I am suggesting is this: Ask yourself, “Will this matter in 50 years?”
If the answer is no-- Take a pause. Stop, drop and breathe.
Then let it go. Or get playful. Or ask your child for a do-over. Or if you can’t do any of these things, stay the course, but remind yourself of what is actually important.
Try to focus on what you WILL remember in 50 years.
Ula was deeply loved and is deeply missed.
xx Sarah and Corey
Your Reimagine Peaceful Parenting team
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