Go ahead, do things for your kids!

“It is OKAY to do things for kids that they can do for themselves." - Sarah Rosensweet

When I saw one more reel from a parenting expert saying, “What are you doing for your child that they can do for themselves?” as she talked about her youngest resisting spreading the jam on the sandwich they were making for their school lunch saying, “I can’t!”- I knew I had to write about it.

Rudolph Dreikurs, a pioneering psychologist in the 1960s, said, “Never do for a child what they can do for themselves” because he thought that doing things for capable children prevented them from developing independence, responsibility and self-confidence. Maria Montessori said something very similar. While Dreikurs and Montessori were in many ways thought pioneers that contributed positively to how we view children today, I disagree with them and all the other parenting experts who tout the idea that we shouldn’t do things for kids that they can do for themselves.

I actually encourage parents to do things for their kids that they could do for themselves. There are a few reasons why…

Often when we do things for kids that they could do for themselves, they feel nurtured and cared for.

I make my husband a coffee every morning, even though he could make one for himself. Somehow, he never leaves himself enough time to get ready in the morning and making him a coffee is a way for me to ease his load and make the morning less stressful for him. I do it because I care about him and want his life to be nice.

Doing things for other people builds connection; it’s a solid and necessary relationship principle.

Can you imagine if the common wisdom for marriage was, “Don’t do anything for your partner that they can do for themselves”?

My parents were followers of Dreikurs. I was raised with the idea that what I could do for myself, I should. I remember, in first grade, having to make my own lunch and thinking, “I just wish someone would make it for me.” Don’t get me wrong: My parents were wonderful parents who were following the advice of the expert who taught that this was the way I would become independent. But in my 6 year old mind, I didn’t want to make my own sandwich, I wanted someone to do it for me because it felt caretaking. I wanted that feeling of being nurtured.

We can give kids a feeling of being nurtured and cared for and they can still become independent even if we do a lot for them.

My own case in point: I did a lot for my kids and they are 22 and 25 year olds, now fully launched, self-sufficient, and a 19 year old, who, while still at home, is incredibly capable and independent.

There were also a lot of things I let them do or insisted they do for themselves.

As my kids grew, I made their lunches, but I didn’t talk to their teachers for them. I did their laundry, but I didn’t drive them when they could get somewhere on the subway.

In fact, in my podcast episode where I interviewed my daughter about being raised with peaceful parenting, when I asked her how she thinks peaceful parenting affected her as compared to her peers, she said, “Brothers and I are way more independent than other people our age.”

Children are born with a strong, natural drive for independence, and as humans, we yearn for mastery. Look at any toddler who, while trying to do something they just don’t have the coordination for, melts down crying, “Me do it!”

When kids do things for themselves that they want to do, they feel good about it. “I want to do it. I did it. I am capable. I feel good” becomes a positive feedback loop. I don’t know if there is research on this, but my sense is that when we are forced to do something we would really like some help with, we don’t get the same positive feeling of mastery as a reward.

Forcing independence doesn’t create the virtuous cycle, and the virtuous cycle is how independence grows.

When my kids were growing up, I was accused “coddling” more than once. Do you know what ‘coddle’ actually means? It means ‘to treat with care.’

I did a lot for my kids to show care and I still do. I made lunches for my kids through high school graduation. My oldest son once said, “Mom, you know I can make my own lunch. You don’t need to do it.” I replied that yes, I knew that, but it was a way I could support him. I know they appreciated it when they had so much on their plates with school, work, and extracurriculars. My daughter, who still lives at home, is pretty much a neat freak who makes her bed beautifully every day, with throws and pillows and the works. Sometimes when she doesn’t have time before she leaves for work or school, I will make her bed for her so it’s nice when she gets home.

Not only are we showing care for our kids when we do things for them that they can do for themselves, we are modelling care.

All three of my kids are caring and considerate humans and I believe it’s at least partly because I modelled care for them. If we want kids to be thoughtful, we are thoughtful towards them. If we want them to be kind, we are kind to them. The same goes for doing things for others.

When my youngest child was around 7, she liked me to carry her backpack to the bus stop. One day her dad said, “Why are you carrying that for her? She can do it.” I shrugged and told him she liked it and I didn’t mind. I knew she would carry her backpack herself soon. Sure enough, by the next year she wouldn’t let me carry her backpack as she didn’t want to look like a baby.

And now? She won’t let me carry anything! If we’re walking home with groceries, she insists on carrying it all herself. She even offers to carry my purse when we are out!

When we help kids even though we don’t have to, they learn to help others even when they don’t have to.

“I could help you but I won’t” in the name of teaching independence comes at a cost.

There are indeed times when we don’t want to do things for our kids that they could do for themselves. Like a lot about peaceful parenting, whether we do things for kids or not is nuanced.

‘Don’t do things for your kids’ is a useful recommendation if it stops us from stifling their independence.

We often step in because it makes life easier for us. It’s faster to get them dressed even if they want to do it themselves, or less messy to get them a bowl of cereal rather than risk spilled milk when they want to do it. Or we step in because we are anxious about the outcome. For example, we might keep track of and remind them of assignments if we’re worried about their grades when really they should be managing their own schoolwork.

So if we’re doing something for kids to be caring and nurturing, go for it! The kid who can usually dress themselves but is asking you to put their pants on, might just need a little extra love that day. The kid who doesn’t want to come back to the door to put away their shoes and hang up their bag, might just be tired from the day. Let yourself give them that care.

However, if we’re tempted to do something for them out of our own anxiety to rescue or control them or the outcome, that’s when we might want to question our motives and actually step back.

xx Sarah and Corey

Your Reimagine Peaceful Parenting team

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